penfield: (baseball)
Player ends softball season with a 'clink'
Team toasts 2006 campaign at annual happy hour awards banquet

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A local softball team gathered Thursday night to celebrate a season in which they finished 7-4, ranked No. 41 of 115 teams. "Some observers have called our 7-4 season a disappointment," said pitcher and utility player Enchanted Pants. "I would refer to it as more of a freak boating accident."

Indeed, there were good times along the way. The team averaged a powerful 21 runs per game – second in the league behind a team comprised of alien androids and genetically modified grizzly bears. Of the team's four losses, two were by a single run. Additionally, the team finished at or near the top in several statistical categories including Team Spirit, Dugout Chatter and Sex Appeal.

The team also doled out its individual player awards. Pants, who finished the season with a .649 batting average, 40 runs scored and 31 RBI in 74 at-bats, as well as a gaudy 18.32 run average, was awarded "Most Likely to Have Head or Other Body Part Taken Off by Ball Coming Off Double-Walled Titanium Bats."

These statistics include Pants' part-time duty with an alternate team that has since been contracted out of existence and converted into an escort service.

After what could reasonably be described as a transition year, Pants expressed optimism for the 2007 season. "This was a rebuilding year," he said. "Someone once said, 'If you build it, he will come.' Obviously, he's talking about Jesus. King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Son of God. With him batting cleanup, we will be unstoppable.

"But he better not want to pitch," Pants added.

2006 Season (final)
BATTING: 74 AB, 48 hits (.649 AVG) 17 doubles, 4 triple, 6 HR (89 Total bases, 1.230 SLG) 40 runs, 31 RBI
PITCHING: 70.2 innings, 185 runs (18.32 RA, per 7 innings; 23.56 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 95.2 innings, 11 errors
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
I find myself searching for the underlying theme in my Blue Team's latest defeat. There was not a lot of drama to the proceedings, despite the razor-thin margin; as opposed to our heartbraking previous one-run loss, there were no walk-off heroics to snatch the grog of victory from our grubby hands. There was no seething antagonism between our team and the other team and/or third-party bystanders. There were no gruesome injuries, spectacular plays, strategic fuck-ups or strokes of genius. No, we simply dug ourselves into a hole with some lazy play and missed opportunities and came up short on a late-inning rally.

The team is a mere 6-4 now, with two scheduled games left. We're ranked #47 on the league toteboard and -- barring a total Tom-Cruise-magnitude collapse by a number of other teams -- on the outside of the playoffs looking in. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Maybe we can relax now and savor the rest of the season instead of stressing about our record, our scoring margin, and the quality of our opponent. It certainly will be nice, not getting up at 9 in the morning some fall Saturday to get our asses pulverized by softball-playing killer robots.

It was not a particularly productive day for me, either. Even after being moved out of the leadoff spot, I remain mired in my dog-days slump, collecting two lousy singles in four at-bats. Only I can give up 14 runs in seven innings and call it a success; it was all the more so after suffering a vicious line drive to the mound that struck me a good foot and a half from my groin.

August 16, 2006
Blue Team (6-4)
LOSS, 14-13

BATTING: 2-4, 2 runs
PITCHING: 7 innings, 14 runs
FIELDING: 7 innings, no errors

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 74 AB, 48 hits (.649 AVG) 17 doubles, 4 triple, 6 HR (89 Total bases, 1.230 SLG) 40 runs, 31 RBI
PITCHING: 70.2 innings, 185 runs (18.32 RA, per 7 innings; 23.56 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 95.2 innings, 11 errors
penfield: (baseball)
There are some days when the sun is shining, and there's a perfect breeze, when it's warm enough for ice cream but cool enough for a hamburger, when girls are wearing sundresses and strappy sandals and you can walk to wherever you're going without breaking into a dank sweat. Wednesday, August 9 was one of those days. Everything was perfect.

Perfect, except for the Blue Team's softball game. You have probably heard the well-worn jock phrase, "bringing my 'A' game." Well, we did not bring our "A" game. Our game did not even translate alphabetically; it should be represented in a hieroglyphic drawing of a pitcher being violated by an elephant. The final 19-14 score is a testament to two things: (1) our centerfielder Brendan's incredible night at the plate, wherein he hit two of the most majestic home runs I've ever seen and collected at least ten RBI, and (2) the rhetorical impotence of mere numbers.

There are plenty of plausible excuses for the loss – our three week layoff, questionable field conditions (long baselines, a right-handed batters box that was a foot below sea level), and pure dumb hit-the-ball-where-they-ain't luck. But the truth is, we played like cardboard cutouts.

No one more than me. Aside from my sloppy pitching and my horrendous 4th-inning error – just when we were starting to get close – I was a worthless fart at the plate. It happens every year at some point. Eventually my swing gets all out of whack and I start hitting pop-ups around the infield. My arms felt like the rusty hinges of a screen door; the bat felt like a wet noodle. I was a giant sucking run vacuum in the leadoff spot.

I feel a lot of guilt about the loss. We're 6-3 now, and we were on the playoff bubble even before the loss. It looks like it will be a quiet playoff season for my Blue Team. Maybe at least the weather will be nice, and we can all just go out for hamburgers and ice cream.

August 9, 2006
Blue Team (6-3)
LOSS, 19-14

BATTING: 2-5, 2 runs
PITCHING: 6 innings, 19 runs
FIELDING: 6 innings, 1 error (throwing, leading directly to at least two runs, and possibly more.)

First at-bat: sharp single up the middle, scored
Second at-bat: swinging bunt, reached on what I can only assume was a bobbling error, scored
Third at-bat: jammed, bloop single into short right field
Fourth at-bat: foul pop-up to the catcher, with the bases loaded
Fifth at-bat: deep fly out to straightaway left field

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 70 AB, 46 hits (.657 AVG) 17 doubles, 4 triple, 6 HR (89 Total bases, 1.271 SLG) 38 runs, 31 RBI
PITCHING: 63.2 innings, 171 runs (18.93 RA, per 7 innings; 24.35 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 88.2 innings, 11 errors
penfield: (baseball)
I've talked repeatedly and at length about the playing field situation for the House Softball League. There simply isn't enough space out on the national mall for all 150-plus softball teams, plus the aforementioned kickball dipshits, opportunistic soccer-playing eurotrash, the occasional large-scale, pseudo-intellectual mall demonstration, half-stoned and gloriously unwashed Frisbee players and hapless tourists looking anxiously for the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. (Don't bother, it sucks.)

Teams often have to dispatch their office's weakest and most easily influenced co-worker, usually an intern, to sit and claim a field well in advance of the actual game. On popular game days like Thursdays, this can require the individual to bake in the midsummer sun as early as 3 in the afternoon. Many teams have a specific listing for team leaders in heat stroke and melanoma.

Luckier and wealthier teams can spring for an official field permit, granted by the D.C. Parks Department and spatially engineered by retarded monkeys. The map of available fields looks like an abstract expressionist painting. But it is nice to play a team with a permit. No stress, no squatting, and if anyone wanders into your sanctioned space you are allowed to shoot them.

My Green Team (Team Motto: "We're not dead yet") played a team with a permit this past week, just between the Washington Monument and the White House ellipse. It was a pretty nice field, on nice flat ground, even though there were manhole covers* scattered throughout the infield and outfield. It reminded me of my first year playing softball in D.C. with the National Journal Nine, the ancient ancestor of our current Green Team, when we had a permitted field right next to the Washington Monument and two different players whose last names were male body parts. Those were golden days. Beyond being aesthetically powerful, playing baseball in the shadow of the monuments -- in our nation's capital -- is the most proudly American I've ever felt.

And, much like those days of yore, we lost. But at one point during the game, one of my teammates looked over his shoulder at the monument and then back at the field of play, and said, simply, "Wow. This is pretty cool, to be playing baseball here on this spot."

I nodded in agreement, seasoned veteran that I am. "You'll remember this for the rest of your life."

July 19, 2006
Green Team (1-4)
LOSS, 18-7

BATTING: 2-3, 1 double, 3 runs
PITCHING: 5 innings, 12 runs
FIELDING: 6 innings, no errors

First at-bat: hustle double on a line to centerfield, scored
Second at-bat: single through the right side of the infield, scored
Third at-bat: reached on error on a sharply-hit hopper to third base, scored

Not only did I lead off the game, I led off every inning in which I batted. I love batting leadoff, not just because it gets me more at-bats in the game but also because I get to use whatever speed I have. It does make me shorten my swing, though, because I'm just trying to get on base rather than hit the ball over someone's head.

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 65 AB, 44 hits (.677 AVG) 17 doubles, 4 triple, 6 HR (87 Total bases, 1.338 SLG) 36 runs, 31 RBI
PITCHING: 57.2 innings, 152 runs (18.60 RA, per 7 innings; 23.92 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 82.2 innings, 10 errors
penfield: (baseball)
After three days of ungodly heat, Heat with a capital-H, with the kind of intensity to which even Heat experts Dwyane Wade, Al Pacino and Jessica Alba can only aspire, the weather finally cooled off to a relatively brisk 92 degrees on Wednesday night, just in time for my first softball game in more than three weeks.

Early July is always a tough time to get a game together, not just with the July 4 holiday but also because the midsummer weather forecast for the Capital Beltway region usually looks like a backdrop for The Tempest. Thundershowers are expected at least every other day, and intrepid meteorologists are never sure exactly which day, so they just draw lightning bolts all over the place.

But Wednesday was dry, which meant that pretty much everyone who could scrounge up a uniform was on the national mall. In a fresh change from our usual spot, we played on the west side of the Washington Monument, amid the alumni softball teams and the recreational kickball teams. You can always spot the alumni teams immediately because they sport professionally-embroidered, school-sponsored team apparel and share complex pre-game routines like rallying cries, alma maters and beer pong. The kickball teams are obviously distinguishable by the big red rubber ball and their incessant drooling.

I do not think very highly of kickball players, especially those who should be old enough to tie their own shoes. These are people who are so emotionally stunted that they want to step into the Wayback Machine and land in fourth grade gym class; they probably go home after their games, do their multiplication tables and watch "Alf" reruns. At least with dodgeball, these pathetic man-children are ritually shamed and degraded by their peers. But kickball is so juvenile and genteel, it's like a cross between hopscotch and wearing a dress.

Anyway, these delicate playground weenies claimed to have a permit for a field that happened to be right in the middle of our outfield. We managed to coexist peacefully until about the third inning when they started objecting to our long fly balls dropping precariously close to their heads. At first, it amounted to little more than squalking between our game's managers, who were earnestly trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation, and their game's managers, who were apparently irritable because they had just wet their diapers. Then in the sixth inning, one of our batters launched a towering shot into their field, almost seriously wounding someone who honestly should have been wearing a helmet. Immediately the kickball managers dropped their doilies and ran over, screaming about potential liability or something. I wasn't really paying attention because I was waiting for their voices to change.

Finally an adjacent field opened up and we moved our game, free of target practice. By the way, we pretty much dominated the other team, winning by a greater degree than the 31-18 score would suggest. The fast condition of the new field gave them at least a third of their runs, and by that time our defense was exhausted from running the bases.

Back to the mall next week, I'm guessing, where we can take aim at tourists instead. They whine just as much as the kickball players, but at least they're much slower.

July 19, 2006
Blue Team (6-2)
WIN, 31-18

BATTING: 4-5, 1 double, 1 home run, 3 runs, 3 RBI
PITCHING: 7 innings, 18 runs
FIELDING: 7 innings, 1 error (throwing)

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 62 AB, 42 hits (.677 AVG) 16 doubles, 4 triple, 6 HR (1.516 SLG) 33 runs, 31 RBI
PITCHING: 52.2 innings, 140 runs (18.61 RA, per 7 innings; 23.92 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 76.2 innings, 10 errors
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
By now, the readers of this journal have either heard all about the tremendous amount of rain unabsorbed by the Washington D.C. area earlier in the week or they have personally dodged warning buoys on their way to work. Given that the rain did not stop dripping until early Wednesday morning, I was surprised that we were able to play softball on Wednesday evening without innertubes and water wings.

But play we did, on a modest neighborhood field deep in the heart of the District's Shaw neighborhood, which is a "transitional" area of the city in much the same way that Iraq has a "transitional" socio-political structure. I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt a little uneasy when local youths began setting off firecrackers in the street. The snap, crackle and pop reminded me of the immortal words of 2Pac: "Yo, I been shot."

The field could have been worse, I suppose; there was a small makeshift pond out in shallow right-centerfield but I earned two extra bases by dropping a few hits into it. The grass on the infield grew high enough to make my ankles itch, but the fireworks apparently scared off any potential snakes (not counting the myriad attorneys on my team). More troublesome to me personally was the soft clay composition of the pitchers "mound." It was the inverse of a mound, really, because with every step I sank deeper and deeper into the earth until I felt like Dorf on Golf.

Early in the game, this metaphor had taken on an entirely new dimension. Every pitch I threw was slapped around the field with remarkable good fortune. Most of their hits found holes in our defense; the ones that didn't were promptly thrown around the field by nervous defenders. I was a major culprit in this regard; I could have stemmed the tide with an cutoff throw from the mound to second base for an easy out, but I airmailed it into centerfield as if I were trying to launch it into orbit.

At bat I was productive but frustrated. Our field had a short fence in right field, and whenever I see a fence I have a typical macho compulsion to try and blast the ball over it. This urge inevitably manifests itself as a lazy fly ball to centerfield, when a simple sharp grounder through the hole would probably get me extra bases. I either have to get it through my head that I'm not a stud, or I'm going to have to start drinking Creatine instead of Ovaltine.

It was the very definition of a sloppy win, in every sense of the word. And since we were playing a team that isn't even in our league, even a win isn't a win. But we made it out of Shaw alive, and that's the most important thing.

That and the seventeen mosquito bites on my legs. Goddamn rain.

June 28, 2006
Blue Team (5-2)
WIN, 20-13 (non-conference)

BATTING: 3-5, 2 doubles, 2 runs, 2 RBI
PITCHING: 5 innings, 12 runs
FIELDING: 7 innings, 2 errors

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 57 AB, 38 hits (.667 AVG) 15 doubles, 4 triple, 5 HR (1.333 SLG) 30 runs, 28 RBI
PITCHING: 45.2 innings, 122 runs (18.70 RA, per 7 innings; 24.04 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 69.2 innings, 9 errors
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
Usually, softball is a sanctuary for me. For example, on Wednesday I had a miserable day at work, repeatedly screwing up a press release and yawning through an important preparatory meeting for an upcoming board of directors summit. It was the kind of day that makes you ruminate on the glamorous life of a medical test subject.

By 6:30, though, I was flying across a green field, 93-degree temperature be damned, with 20 other like-minded individuals. It may not be exercise, per se, but it is an exercise in joy.

No matter what else is going on in my life, no matter how confusing everything else may be, everything makes sense to me on a softball field. As much as there is something abstractly poetic about a baseball/softball game, there is also order, reason and fairness.

And sometimes, there is winning. Like Wednesday:

June 21, 2006
Blue Team (5-2)
WIN, 22-6

BATTING: 3-5, 1 double, 1 triple, 3 RBI, 3 runs
PITCHING: 4 innings, 3 runs
FIELDING: 6 innings, 0 errors

And the game was not even really that close. We are playing marvelously lately, and if not for an unfortunate late-inning collapse on June 7 (which led to a one-run, extra-inning loss), we would be riding a five-game winning streak. As of this writing, my Blue Team is ranked #31 in the league, with the top 32 teams qualifying for the tournament. After Wednesday night, I thought we had a chance to get to the postseason and really do some damage.

Then came Thursday.

I am searching for the proper metaphor to illustrate the sheer horror of this game, but every exaggeration seems to fall short. Let's start with the numbers:

June 22, 2006
Green Team (1-3)
LOSS, 39-11 (6 innings)

BATTING: 3-3, 2 doubles, 2 RBI, 2 runs
PITCHING: 3 innings, 25 runs
FIELDING: 6 innings, 1 error

This game, also, was not as close as the numbers suggest, which is really saying something. To be outscored by 28 runs without even playing a full seven innings is bad enough, but the domination was so thorough as to render mere numbers insignificant. A more accurate score would have been [infinity]-to-Absolute Zero.

- The opposing team, which is ranked in the league's top 10, appeared to be composed of normal Capitol Hill staffers. But in fact many of their key players are corporeal manifestations of the 1927 Yankees. The female members of the team, assuming their performance is not enhanced through the use of bovine hormones, would easily qualify as "top prospects" in the Kansas City Royals system. Their uniforms even boast "3-Time Congressional Softball League Champions," probably because their diamond-encrusted championship rings do not fit underneath their German-engineered batting gloves.

- They were hitting such spectacular bombs that our left fielder was playing as far away from the plate as Wisconsin. One shot in particular, easily 400 feet, would not just have escaped RFK Stadium, it would have escaped our nation's borders had it just been able to clear customs. One of their female players, so small that I could have squeezed her into my toiletry bag*, hit a ball 50 yards over the head of our right fielder and rolled all the way to the Air and Space Museum. We began playing with five outfielders in the middle of the second inning, so that there would be someone nearby to talk to as you were chasing the ball down the street.

- A colleague with more advanced softball knowledge than me tells me that they were using professional-grade equipment, such as a $400 DeMarini bat. A cursory Internet search tells me that DeMarini bats constitute "the world's most technologically advanced aluminum composite hybrid. DX-1 custom alloy design, doublewall construction and the Half & Half composite handle combine for unbeatable balance and intensity." I don't know what any of that means, but anything that sounds like an Italian sports car and embodies "unbeatable intensity" is not something I want to stand in front of for an extended period. We should seriously look into using these bats as close-range combat weapons in the War on Terror, if they are not already outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

- I'm totally guessing about the 25 runs I gave up from the mound. Part of me was happy that the opposing team kept slamming home runs, because it meant that the ball wasn't leaving a gaping hole on its way through my chest. Besides, they were scoring so many runs in the first three innings that I could not keep track of the tally without the use of a complicated mathematical algorhythm. I was relieved from mound duty after that as a precaution against a repetitive whiplash injury. The relief pitcher fared better than I did, perhaps because the other team was tired or because they decided to try batting with their eyes closed.

In this contest there was no joy, no poetry, no reason -- and I'm still not entirely convinced about the fairness. It was as miserable and humiliated as I have ever been on a softball field, and that includes 7th Grade Gym Class.

So I worry about my Blue Team coming up against these guys in the tournament. It might be more efficient -- and more fun -- just to beat the shit out of them with our plain old ghetto softball bats.

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 52 AB, 35 hits (.673 AVG) 13 doubles, 4 triple, 5 HR (1.365 SLG) 28 runs, 26 RBI
PITCHING: 40.2 innings, 110 runs (18.93 RA, per 7 innings; 24.34 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 62.2 innings, 7 errors
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
Last night's softball game was probably the last contest ever in the Green Team's short history. We were only able to round up nine players through an intensive, coordinated lobbying effort, like the one employed during the 2001 Medicare reform debate. Of course, only four of the ten were actually from the team sponsor's office and only two of the ten were women, meaning that we had to play with nine in the field and an automatic out at the end of the order. This in itself was something of a victory, since the Green Team regularly has problems collecting enough people for a game of Battleship.

And we played well, too, kicking the snot out of the team that humiliated my Blue Team last week. Which makes our "last game ever" rather bittersweet; we play with some skill and a lot of joy when we do play -- but it's such a pain in the ass to find players that it's just not worth it. We can't expend the kind of energy we did this week every week. If the Green Team Office doesn't care enough about softball to come to the field, then they don't need, want or deserve a team.

June 15, 2006
Green Team (1-3)
WIN, 14-4

BATTING: 4-4, 2 doubles, 1 triple, 3 RBI, 3 runs
PITCHING: 7 innings, 4 runs
FIELDING: 7 innings, 0 errors

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 44 AB, 29 hits (.659 AVG) 10 doubles, 3 triple, 5 HR (1.364 SLG) 23 runs, 21 RBI
PITCHING: 33.2 innings, 82 runs (17.05 RA, per 7 innings; 21.92 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 50.2 innings, 6 errors
penfield: (baseball)
June 7, 2006
Blue Team (4-2)
LOSS, 20-21 (8 innings)

BATTING: 4-5, 2 doubles, 2 runs
PITCHING: 7.2 innings, 21 runs
FIELDING: 7.2 innings, 2 errors (1 bobble, 1 misthrow)
DRINKING: 3 beers

First at-bat: Infield single, sharply hit to third base, R
Second: Ground-rule double down the left-field line, R
Third: double to center, out stretching at third
Fourth: single, cut down on fielder's choice
Fifth: Fly out to deep right-centerfield.

I can think of at least four ways in which it was my fault we lost this game.

1. In their big fourth inning, there was a tailor-made double-play ball hit right to me, but I short-armed the throw to second, pulling my teammate off the bag. No outs recorded; they went on to score at least four more runs.
2. In my third at-bat, I hit a long fly ball into the left-centerfield gap, a home run or at least a triple in most cases. But I had a slower runner in front of me and I was riding her like Willie Shoemaker around the bases. She was heading into third and I was rounding second at maximum horsepower when I picked up the third base coach, who was giving the stop sign. I thought he meant that I was supposed to stop at third, but the sign was actually meant for the lead runner to stay at third and for me to stop at second. By that time it was too late for me to get all the way back and they tagged me out easily. I should have at least forced a run-down. As the leadoff hitter, with the big bats coming behind me, I've got to avoid giving up easy outs like that.
3. No way should I have given up 21 runs to that lineup. In the late innings, particularly, I left a series of pitches up in the zone -- chest high, middle-in, flat and fat -- that were ripped into the outfield. If I had focused a little more, I could have avoided the center of the strike zone and slowed a few rallies.
4. In the top of the seventh inning, up by only two, I came to the plate no outs and a man on first. What I should have done, with the outfielders playing deep, was dump a single into the shallow outfield. Instead I tried to be all heroic and smack the shit out of the ball. I hit it hard and far, but too high; it landed in the centerfielder's mitt.

We ended up scoring no runs in the seventh, and they came back with two runs in their half of the inning. In the top of the eighth we went down without scoring again, and they scored the winning run -- with two outs -- on a walk-off single in the eighth. It was a real gut-punch of a loss.

Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, my Green Team (Yes, the same green team that had to cancel this week because only six people had nothing better to do) faces this same team next week. Vengeance (or more humiliation) will be mine, hopefully.

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 39 AB, 25 hits (.641 AVG) 9 doubles, 2 triple, 5 HR (1.358 SLG) 20 runs, 18 RBI
PITCHING: 26.2 innings, 78 runs (20.47 RA, per 7 innings; 26.33 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 43.2 innings, 6 errors
penfield: (baseball)
I played only my second game with my Green Team yesterday, and that almost didn't happen. This team has a chronic problem rounding up enough players to field a full squad, as if softball games are regarded in the Green Team's office as the equivalent of root canal surgery. Only seven brave souls showed up on the field, with many people scared away by the weather (90 degrees and humid with ominous clouds) or their own innate character flaws. Maybe I should call them the Yellow Team.

Under an agreement with the opposing team, we officially forfeited the game and played exhibition-style with a few players borrowed from their team. The end result was a pretty exciting affair, as both teams scored runs with ease in the gathering dark, punctuated by occasional bolts of lightning (but no rain). We kept score despite the forfeit, and we came back from a seven-run deficit to tie the game in the top of the seventh inning, only to lose the game in the bottom half on an RBI bloop single.

I personally had the game of my life, homering in my first two at-bats and going 6-for-7 on the day with six runs. I even played centerfield and didn't drop a single fly ball. (I probably could have had a highlight-reel catch on another ball, but I declined to dive onto the gravelly walkway in a game we had already lost.)

My hope is that the generally good vibes derived from this game compels some of our absentee teammates to get their asses off the bench, without needing to be plied with easy glory and free beer. Unless free beer would help. Would free beer help?

Thursday, June 1
Green Team (0-2)
LOSS, 28-27 (forfeit)

BATTING: 6-7, 3 doubles, 2 home runs, 6 runs, 3 RBI
PITCHING: N/A
FIELDING: 7 innings (CF), no errors (though I did miss the cut-off man a few times)

Season-to-Date:
BATTING: 34 AB, 21 hits (.617 AVG) 7 doubles, 2 triple, 5 HR (1.382 SLG) 18 runs, 18 RBI
PITCHING: 19 innings, 57 runs (21.00 RA, per 7 innings; 27.00 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 46 innings, 4 errors
penfield: (baseball)
The "Blue" Team was victorious again last night, bringing our record to a not-too-shabby 4-1. Perhaps more importantly, however, the team debuted brand new uniform t-shirts.

Instead of blue, the team has switched to a light gray; I find this change regrettable, not just for the purposes of my ongoing updates but also for inevitable and embarassing sweat-stain related reasons. However, since the team is comprised mostly of employees from a bipartisan political organization, I can understand the desire to shift from the rhetorically-loaded royal blue to a hue that more gracefully demonstrates the bland spirit of cooperation.

I'm a little more puzzled by the mix of colors in the text of the shirt. Our team logo is in navy blue (so I guess it's still the Blue Team) while the numbers are in black. As a casual observer I appreciate the relaxed, care-free attitude conveyed by this jumbled palate and reflected in our joyful style of play. But as a pretentious aesthete, I find the slight difference jarring and disorienting. More practically, I don't know what color cap to wear with it.

My green team has nicer uniforms, I think, even if the official name of the team -- printed triumphantly across the chest -- is so outdated as to be ridiculously dumb. It's like a comedian in 2006 telling Judge Lance Ito jokes. The green team uniforms are white with kelly green 3/4 length sleeves for that classic softball look. Aside from this traditionalist appeal, I'm not sure why I like the 3/4 sleeves so much, since I am typically a real stickler about sleeve length in my day-to-day apparel. But the extra fabric comes in handy for mopping one's brow on a hot summer evening, and the in-between length of the sleeves always gives you something on your body to adjust, which is the standard pastime within the national pastime.

Wednesday, May 31
Blue Team (4-1)
WIN, 20-13

BATTING: 4-6, 1 double, 1 triple, 1 run, 2 RBI
PITCHING: 5 innings, 9 runs
FIELDING: 7 innings, 2 errors (1 bobble, 1 bad throw)

First At-Bat: Sharp ground ball past the second basewoman. I wouldn't have wanted to get in front of it either.
Second At-Bat, in the same inning: Looper into right field, hit softly but placed perfectly; it bounced into foul ground and was good for a double.
Third At-Bat: Well-struck, but too much arc; caught by left-centerfielder
Fourth At-Bat: We were struggling for runners in the middle innings, so I just slapped the ball into center for an easy single.
Fifth At-Bat: Tried to loop another one into right, but I got under it and popped it to the right fielder.
Sixth At-Bat: Gave it my best swing to get it over the home-run fence in right, but it rattled against the wall for a triple.

Season-to-Date:
BATTING: 27 AB, 15 hits (.556 AVG) 4 doubles, 2 triple, 3 HR (1.185 SLG) 12 runs, 15 RBI
PITCHING: 19 innings, 57 runs (21.00 RA, per 7 innings; 27.00 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 39 innings, 4 errors
penfield: (baseball)
Some softball games have personality, where players' attitudes and emotions take on a sort of synergistic quality; there are angry games, sad games, sweaty games and drunk games. Then there are other games with no personality, where it feels like you are playing in a vat of mashed potatoes; affect is flat, morale is low and even the most routine actions feel fragmented and awkward, like a blind date.

Last night's game was all of those things. It had everything:

* We were playing on Thursday, a change from our usual Wednesday, and the schedule anomaly wreaked havoc with our regular roster, including many of our best players. We were forced to go with only 9 fielders, leaving three outfielders to cover a patch of territory roughly the size of Nebraska. (I usually play with my green team on Thursdays, but I promised the Blue Team Manager that I would play with them if my presence was needed, which it apparently was. I feel kind of bad about that, especially since my Green Team regularly has problems fielding a team even when I do show up. But Blue contacted me first, and organizational communication and preparation go a long way with me.)

* Thursday is also the most popular day for softball on the mall, and teams were squeezing their games onto the grass wherever they could. One opportunistic team actually set up camp in our outfield, leaving those three outfielders to combat not just the setting sun and the huge outfield gaps, but also the intruding team's players and the nagging worry of being struck in the head by a flying ball.

* The weather gave us our first real taste of summer heat -- an appetizer, if you will -- as the temperature climbed into the upper 70s with 80 percent humidity as late as 6 p.m. We were probably fortunate to avoid a thunderstorm, but that did not save us from getting wet; I soaked through my cap and t-shirt and played most of the game with an athletic undershirt on; with my shaved head I looked like a German club dancer from the future.

* The team we were playing was, at first blush, a team of loud, arrogant, trash-talking assholes. Several of them appeared to have mild pitutiary disorders and one charming individual actually verbally harassed an elderly passerby. Playing uncomfortably, we spent the first few innings fuming and flailing at the plate, with predictably minimal results.

* We finally took a 6-3 lead in the top of the fourth, but promptly gave 7 runs right back in the bottom of the inning through a demoralizing series of goofs, gaffes and gopherballs. Big innings like this are common in softball, as errors tend to accumulate with more baserunners. Likewise, errors tend to accelerate as the fielders begin to tire and their focus drifts toward post-game libations.

* Aside from that, though, our defense played pretty well. We held them scoreless in four of seven innings, and even wrapped the bottom of the 5th in crisp three-up, three-down fashion. They were starting to get quieter, perhaps because their jaw muscles were worn out. We were getting more drunk, thanks to a supply of frothy beverages on the sideline.

* Then we promptly threw up another zero in the top of the sixth, and they responded with another two runs in the bottom to go up 12-8. (Yes, I'm aware I just used the phrases "threw up a doughnut" and "runs in the bottom." I'm writing this quickly; give me a break.)

* We finally responded in the top of the last inning, with six runs. The key moment was a 2-RBI triple by T., our petite (in size only) second base-woman, who launched a fly ball clear over the head of the centerfielder, whose "Aw, shit" was audible from our bench. As I have alluded in the past, female players can be hard to come by and are sometimes plucked off the street; the prevailing strategy is to assume that they are not softball players and cannot hit for shit, and therefore the infield and outfield can be brought in close to the plate. It is therefore thoroughly satisfying when a girl muscles up and takes them deep, like the athletic equivalent of Margaret Thatcher in 1979.

* As we were racking up the runs in the last inning, the sun was stubbornly setting on our game. I was worried that by the time the other team got their last ups, it would be too dark to continue and we would have to revert to the score at the end of the sixth.

* We kept playing, though, and they came up to bat with us on top 14-12. With one out and a runner on second, one of their big hitters golfed a tailing fly ball into right field, where C., another of our lady players, was patrolling. For most teams, this is an easy hit and an easy run. But C. drifted under the ball and stuck her glove out, and the ball landed safely in her glove. I'm not sure how well she even saw the ball against the dusky sky, and C. actually seemed more surprised than anybody to have caught it. We quickly retired their next batter and left the field victorious, for the most satisfying win in a while.

Thursday, May 25
Blue Team (3-1)
WIN, 14-12

BATTING: 2-5, 1 triple, 1 HR, 3 runs, 4 RBI
PITCHING: N/A
FIELDING: 7 innings, 2 errors

First At-Bat: Sharp ground ball to the left side of the infield; I didn't see the play but the shortstop must have bobbled it because I made it to first base without a throw. Call it an error.
Second At-Bat: Soft liner to center, caught
Third At-Bat: Smoked shot past the third baseman for what would be a double in most cases. I didn't see how the defense handled it, but I did make it all the way around the bases so I'll give myself a cheap home run.
Fourth At-Bat: Hard line-out, right at the left-centerfielder. Probably the best ball I hit all night.
Fifth At-Bat: Triple, over the head of the right-centerfielder.

As for the two errors, one was clearly my fault: I dropped an easy out at first base, a blunder that I don't think led to any runs. The other was a play in the first inning where I was accused of coming off the base stretching for a throw. It's possible that I was off the base -- it's hard to tell when they are so flat -- but I thought it was a weaselly call for a beer league softball game. Especially since, if I had been on the base, I almost certainly would have tripped the runner. In hindsight that would have been much better.

Season-to-Date:
BATTING: 21 AB, 11 hits (.524 AVG) 3 doubles, 1 triple, 3 HR (1.190 SLG) 11 runs, 13 RBI
PITCHING: 14 innings, 48 runs (24.00 RA, per 7 innings; 30.86 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 32 innings, 2 errors
penfield: (baseball)
May 17, 2006
Blue Team (2-1)
WIN, 23-12

BATTING: 4 AB, 4 hits (2 singles, 1 double, 1 HR), 3 runs scored, 4 RBI
PITCHING: 3 innings, 9 runs
FIELDING (P/LF): 3 chances, no errors (including, if I may say so, a pretty nifty 1-3 double play)

I feel like I finally broke out of a hitting slump for this team. The moral: don't swing so damn hard.

A breakdown of my at bats: hustle double (a sharp ground ball up the middle, should have been a single but I was aggressive in taking the extra base), infield single (fielded cleanly in the hole at shortstop, but I beat the throw to first; I'll try to be honest in these fuzzy hit/error situations), HR to deep right-center (though I slipped in the rain-soaked grass rounding second and almost tore myself in half), bloop double into left (probably better than I deserved).

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 16 AB, 9 hits (.563 AVG) 3 doubles, 2 HR (1.125 SLG) 8 runs, 9 RBI
PITCHING: 14 innings, 48 runs (24.00 RA, per 7 innings; 30.86 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 25 innings, 1.000 FPCT

The wet weather made it impossible to debut the sound system for this game, so I'll hold out hope for next week. The rainbows and clean air made up for it, though. I was hopeful that the nearby immigration rights rally would feature some zippy salsa music, but it was just a lot of angry shouting, which is much harder to dance to.
penfield: (baseball)
Maybe I'm getting old. Sure, we are all getting older, but I am getting old. After last week's two consecutive nights of softball, my body staged an indignant protest in the form of balky knees, a noodly shoulder and twingy groin. I consider myself a physically active guy, but my regular workouts simply do not simulate softball's requisite fast-twich muscle responses punctuated by 20 minutes of standing around. So the first week of the season was bound to catch me by surprise.

Compounding my consternation was my intention to play in a Sunday touch football game – which would normally be on hiatus in the spring/summer except for the crew's collective offseason itch. The knee and the shoulder would be fine, but I have always been excessively protective of my groin ever since reading this quote by oft-injured Jacksonville Jaguars running back Fred Taylor, who pulled his groin in 2001:

"The feeling was like taking a sling blade down the middle of your body, almost like you're splitting yourself in half. It felt like that, if you can imagine what whacking yourself with a sling blade would feel like."

Ouch.

So over the next few days, I took care to stretch the muscle whenever possible, to keep it warm and rested. But by Friday night, it was not progressing as quickly as I would have liked. I returned home late that evening, and decided that I would treat the area with Icy Hot, a common analgesic heating rub.

"Apply liberally to affected area and rub in deeply," It said. And at first it felt fine, like applying sunscreen, and I curled comfortably into bed. But gradually, then quickly, I realized that not only had I applied too liberally, I had applied too liberally outside of the affected area, thereby crossing over into an unsuspecting and much more delicate area.

The rest of my evening was like a Tom and Jerry cartoon, with me bouncing around the room in agony, smoke emanating from my pajama bottoms, until I finally submitted to a cold shower and some thorough scrubbing.

The good news is, I was able to suit up on Sunday. The bad news is, I still wasn't 100%, and it showed on the field. The good news is, I felt 100% for yesterday's softball game. The bad news is, I have no excuse for the following stat line:

May 10, 2006
Blue Team
LOSS, 11-19

BATTING: 4 AB, 0 singles, 0 runs scored, 0 RBI
PITCHING: 2 innings, 4 runs
FIELDING (P/LF): 3 chances, no errors

I did get on base in the last inning, but only because it was so dark that the left fielder dropped my fly ball. I hit only one really good ball all day, and the left fielder decided to catch that one.

Season-to-Date
BATTING: 12 AB, 5 hits (.416 AVG) 2 doubles, 1 HR (.833 SLG) 5 runs, 5 RBI
PITCHING: 11 innings, 39 runs (24.82 RA, per 7 innings; 31.91 RA, per 9)
FIELDING: 18 innings, 1.000 FPCT

But there's more good news. Or, at least, fun and interesting news. My blue team has decided to bring some stereo equipment to the next game and has suggested that everyone choose a song (30-to-60 second clip) to play as they come to the plate. This one of those moments of which I have been fantasizing ever since I started playing sports, up there with "making out with a cheerleader" and "pleading no contest in return for community service." Having narrowed it down to five choices, I open the debate for your opinion.

Each of the following songs is linked to an edited mp3 file, cued to the appropriate section. I'm looking for something that will get me and the team pumped up, something high-energy, something that builds, but also with a sense of doom and foreboding for the other team. (Please do not download more than once; these files have a 25-download limit. I will readily e-mail them upon request.)

- The Distance (Cake)
- Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
- You Could Be Mine (Guns N' Roses)
- Adventures in Failure (MC 900 ft. Jesus)
- Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (Santa Esmerelda)

Tell me what you think.


Which should be Jason's softball at-bat song?
The Distance (Cake)
Superstition (Stevie Wonder)
You Could Be Mine (Guns N' Roses)
Adventures in Failure (MC 900 ft. Jesus)
Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (Santa Esmerelda)
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Ball 2

May. 5th, 2006 10:33 am
penfield: (baseball)
The first game for the Green Team was pretty much the opposite of my first game for the Blue Team. We were absolutely pulverized by the opposition; it was like the New York Yankees taking on the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I pitched all 7 innings and was tagged for 35 runs, without being struck by a single batted ball. I did suffer slight whiplash, however, from watching bomb after bomb soar over my outfielders' heads.

Perhaps I should point out -- as an explanation, not an excuse -- that we were playing shorthanded with 8 fielders, and were forced to take an automatic out every time through the lineup because we didn't have a minimum of three females. I submit this to ladies across the D.C. Metropolitan area: You are never, ever in more social demand than at 6:30 weekdays on the national mall. Forget the clubs and the nightlife; if you can stand upright and run in a straight line, you will have charming, athletic guys falling over themselves trying to learn your name and give you free beer, and you don't even have to wear those unflattering tube tops. (Tight little shorts are recommended, though.)

May 4, 2006
Green Team
LOSS, 35-11

BATTING: 4 AB, 3 hits (2 doubles, one HR), 3 runs, 4 RBI
PITCHING: 7 innings, innumerable hits, no walks, 35 runs
FIELDING (P/LF): 4 chances, no errors

Season-to-date:
BATTING: 8 AB, .625 AVG, 1.250 SLG, 1 HR, 5 runs, 5 RBI
PITCHING: 9 innings, 27.20 ERA (per 7 innings), 35.00 ERA (per 9)
FIELDING: 12 innings, 1.000 FPCT

One thing I've noticed at these games that really bothers me, especially as a pitcher, is how people on the bench instinctively say "good eye, good eye," whenever the batter takes a pitch. Hey, you chattering nitwits: there are no called balls and strikes. You usually have no idea if the batter just took a pitch two feet outside or a pitch right down the middle. I applaud the encouragement of teammates; exhortations to "be patient" and "wait for your pitch" are fine. But "good eye" is meaningless. If you must compliment them, at least make it interesting, like "beautiful eyes" or "nice tits."

Ball!

May. 4th, 2006 03:05 pm
penfield: (baseball)
My 2006 softball season started on May 3, and I this year I will endeavor to provide capsules on a per-game basis, in the hopes of avoiding the inevitable memory lapses and apathy created by between-game delays.

This year I'll be playing with my Blue Team on Wednesdays and my Green Team on Thursdays, just like last year. I was a bit dubious in the offseason that either or both of these teams would be active this year; every season seems to drain the life and joy out of whomever is running the team, creating a front-office shakeup. Occasionally equipment is thrown. Feelings get hurt. Corruption runs rampant. But ultimately someone steps in to fill the leadership vacuum, and the season is born anew.

May 3, 2006
Blue Team (1-0)
WIN, 27-6

BATTING: 4 AB, 2 singles, 2 runs scored, 1 RBI
PITCHING: 2 innings, no hits, no walks, no runs
FIELDING (P/LF): 4 chances, no errors

On paper, this looks like a pretty good day at the plate. But the reality is not so kind. My first hit was a worm-killer that I slammed into the ground and went approximately three feet in front of home plate; fortunately I was able to beat the throw. My next two at-bats were lazy fly-outs, perhaps the only two fly balls that the opposition's inept outfielders were able to catch. My last at-bat was a sharply hit ground ball past the third baseman; I hit it hard enough that I felt it was a legitimate single, but a skillful defender would have been able to catch it and throw me out.

I fared much better in the field, where I tossed two perfect innings and played error-free in left. Recounting my performance, J. asked me if that wasn't the more important aspect of my game. I explained that while that might be theoretically true in real baseball, in softball the pitcher's job is much less important. While a baseball pitcher's object is to prevent the hitter from making solid contact with the ball, A softball pitcher's first responsibility is to coerce the batter into contact, preferably at someone, and in a timely fashion. To do his job, a baseball pitcher uses precision and variation in timing. In slow-pitch softball, where walks and strikeouts do not exist, precision is useless. The most effective pitchers are the ones who throw 40 pitches in the dirt, making the batter so desperate that he or she will swing at the 41st pitch in the dirt. And a softball pitcher must be consistent in his timing, lest his outfielders pass out drunk between pitches.

All told, the game was a success, especially from a team standpoint. There were two-month stretches last year when we didn't score 27 runs, so perhaps we have an offensive juggernaut in the making. We just have to make sure our defense doesn't become offensive, too.
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
Click here for the previous update.

My right knee is swollen to the size of a large grapefruit this morning, a malady that can only be attributed to sprinting around a small softball diamond repeatedly for two evenings in a row. It is not a natural physical activity, running at full speed in relatively tight circles, made worse by the fact that I had been fairly out-of-practice recently.

Wednesday's softball game was my first in almost three weeks, as a series of life events and logistical problems conspired to keep me off the diamond in the interregnum. Usually I can provide a casual analysis of the district's spring and summer weather by making a mental catalogue of the number of rained-out games. Two years ago -- during a supposed drought, I might add -- the season was particularly wet, and I was commonly found in the late afternoon, staring wistfully out my office window at the clouds gathering, full of portents. Well, some portents. About 25 percent portents. The rest was humidity.

But it isn't weather that has thwarted me, this season. First there was an evening of theater, then an out-of-town trip. Then there were scheduling snafus, made worse by the invasion of the national mall by the giant tents of the Folklife Festival, a pseudo-nostalgic boondoggle that inexplicably entices thousands of people to wander around and Absorb Culture, despite the fact that nothing interesting ever happens there except for an obligatory smelting demonstration and the occasional drunken quilting contest. It lasts ten days and apparently takes about two months to set up.

The raising of various tents and whatnot, in addition to the interminable construction around the Washington Monument, has severely limited the number of places for recreational athletes to play this year, forcing many depressed individuals to skip the sporting element entirely and go straight to the bars wearing comical but unsullied softball jerseys.

On Wednesday, June 15, we found a field farther west of the mall, adjacent to the Vietnam memorial. The fields are less-than-ideal, since the ground is so uneven that the diamond must be placed on a rather extreme slope, requiring batters to hit uphill. You could also say that it is not properly landscaped for softball, since the lush grass is growing so wild and high that it could conceivably be hiding alligators -- save for some very weird-looking closely manicured pathways as if an allusion to midwestern crop circles. Plus there were mosquitos, enormous Sumo Mosquitoes that are likely on some kind of growth hormone regimen. And did I mention it was 90 degrees?

My Wednesday team, the aforementioned Red Tape, was playing, and the team came out en masse. No fewer than 19 people showed up to play, a veritable army of royal blue and glove leather, enough to play a pretty good intrasquad game. Our crusty manager, trying to do the right thing by her many charges, drew up a substitution plan rivaling Operation Desert Storm in scope and complexity.

My part was easy; I was to be the second-string third baseman, going in for the last half of the game. But it means I didn't get to bat until the bottom of the fourth, by which point (1) our team was already up by at least a dozen runs, (2) the starting third baseman had cracked three doubles and driven in a handful of runs, and (3) several of the opposing team's players had either dramatically injured their [own] groins or collapsed from heat stroke.

In my first at-bat, I snapped a meek single to the opposite field and was subquently stranded at third. In my second at-bat I hit a line drive into centerfield and legged a double out of it, but once again was stranded without scoring. In my last ups, by which time we were leading the other team by about three touchdowns, I saw the first pitch and swung hard, knocking it way the fuck into left field and into the middle of a nearby kickball game. Given the fact that I was hitting at a 20 degree angle and still hit it well over the left fielder's head, I have to believe it was the longest I've ever hit a softball. Still, I ran out of the box and around the bases at full speed. As I rounded third, I noticed that the preceding runner -- who had started out on second base -- was only a foot or so in front of me; I nearly gave him an amateur colonoscopy as I crossed the plate.

It was a good day, by no small measure because my three hits were all legitimate hits. Things would not be so clear on the following evening, June 16, when I played with my Thursday team on one of the precious few fields left on the Mall.

Evaluating a hit in softball is extremely subjective, since the average team's fielding prowess is likely to rank somewhere between mediocre and Stevie Wonder. Bobbles, flubs, misses, overthrows, underthrows and purported equipment failure are prone to turn easy outs into easy scores.

For example, my first "hit" was a sharp grounder to the left of the shortstop with a runner on first. In a just world, I would have been doubled-up or thrown out by three feet. I was running pretty hard, so I didn't see the play, but something else must have happened because everyone ended up safe. That goes in the book as a single, but when I add up my day, I think of it as an out. Likewise, in my second at-bat, I lofted a fly ball straight to the left-centerfielder. It could not have been more catchable if it had been slathered with glue. Fortunately for me, the fielder managed to misplay it in such a way that enabled me to run all the way home; I can only assume that a squirrel bit him or stole the ball or bit his balls or something.

In my last three at-bats though, I hit two solid triples and a real home run, giving me a solid week at the plate, even with my gift-wrapped outs-turned-hits. Which is great. Although not as great as the fact that my teams won both games. Which is really great. But still not as great as the fact that there was copious beer at both games. Which is exceptionally great. And I haven't even talked about Brown-Eyed Girl yet.

She can't hit, she can't throw, and she can't catch. But dear God, can she run.

Jason's Statistics, through ten games:
Won-Lost: 6-4

Batting
At-bats: 34
Hits: 22
Batting Average: .647
Doubles/Triples/Home Runs: 4/4/3
Slugging Percentage: 1.205
Runs: 14
RBI: 10

Pitching*
Innings: 26
Runs: 71
Run Average (9 inn): 24.57
Run Average (7 inn): 19.11
penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
I played my fifth game of the season yesterday with my government-sponsored team. That team wears royal blue uniform shirts with their sponsor's name on the back and everything, but since I am an unaffiliated free agent, and I came late to the party, they didn't have a shirt for me. Generally I try to wear my royal-blue Adidas shirt to their games, but last week's game and yesterday's game both happened to fall inside my laundry cycle, meaning that I either had to use a pre-stinkified, hamper-contaminated shirt or find something else to wear. My only other royal blue option was my Superman t-shirt, which I hadn't ever worn before.

It was a total impulse buy, back in January, when I had a temporary Super-fixation and Aussie Outfitters was having a liquidation sale. The Superman t-shirt wasn't even part of the sale; it must be one of their more popular items because they charged me the full $14.99 for it, which isn't extravagant but still rather conspicuous for a 28-year old guy who doesn't live with his parents. The second I got it home, I thought to myself: why the hell did I buy this shirt? Especially since I already have in my closet approximately 4,000 t-shirts, so many that if I sewed them all together they could almost entirely cover Marlon Brando.

But here was my chance to make use of my investment. So I ended up wearing the Superman shirt, which is a pretty bold statement to make, I think, in an athletic environment. Along with the S on the front, there might as well be a big bulls-eye in the back. Before the game I was already imagining the many less-complimentary S-words that could be divined after a possible baserunning blunder.

As it happens, however, I turned in my best game of the season, going 4-5 – with my one out being my best knock of the day, but for it landing in the opposition player's outstretched glove. I also turned in a nice play at third base, a stop-and-gun across the diamond for an out. Coming in after the inning, the first baseman said "nice hose," which was a compliment I never ever thought I would receive, especially in the middle of the Mall.

I think I'll try and wear the shirt again next week. I'm leaving the red briefs at home, though.

Jason's Statistics, through five games:
Won-Lost: 3-2

Batting
At-bats: 16
Hits: 9
Batting Average: .562
Doubles/Triples/Home Runs: 3/0/0
Runs: 3
RBI: 0

Pitching
Innings: 16
Runs: 27
Run Average (9 inn): 15.18
Run Average (7 inn): 11.81
penfield: (cartoon)
It was the bottom of the seventh inning.

In Major League Baseball terms, the bottom of the seventh does not typically hold a lot of drama. At RFK stadium, the bottom of the seventh signals two things:
1. Vendors stop selling beer.
2. Spectators think about how they're going to beat the traffic home.

But this was the Congressional Softball League. And in the CSL, the bottom of the seventh is always a pretty big deal, not just because the games only go seven innings, but also because a softball team always has a chance to win. Ten-run innings are not unheard of. And by the bottom of the seventh, most of the defense is usually pretty drunk anyway.

I was playing with the Red Tape*, a government agency team with uniforms and bases and everything. I did not have a uniform, since I had been recruited from a free agent list just a few weeks earlier, when they were short on players.

(My usual team, the Softball Questions*, a private company team for whom I had played the last few years, was somewhat less formal in their approach. They did have a set of cones (which represented bases) and t-shirts, although the company's dedication to the team was so lackluster that we frequently had to round up distant acquaintances, long-lost relatives and the occasional homeless person. The Questions suffered from a severe lack of morale, partially because they had won about three games in three years, but also because the aforementioned t-shirts were so hideously ugly that, in many cases, they actually served as a competitive advantage by inducing our opponents to double over with eye pain.)

But the Red Tape was serious about its softball. Innings and positional rotations were heavily scrutinized. Wins and losses – and playoff eligibility – mattered. The manager, an imposing and intense young woman, could often be seen stomping up and down the baseline, cursing at the opposing players and screaming out directions to her team. And that was when we were ahead.

Now it's Wednesday, July 21, 2004, in the bottom of the seventh, and we're behind. We had been up three runs going into the top of the seventh, but then a hulking behemoth on the other team (I swear I thought I saw him swat away a helicopter) smacked a three-run homer and our defense let another run trickle in. Down by a run, we need one to tie, two to win.

I'm up fourth in the inning. I'm sort of glad that we're down; if the other team hadn't eked ahead, we would have won the game and gone home. This way, I have a chance at another at-bat.

The skipper had me at designated hitter that night; I hate being the DH, because I like being on the field and in the action. But on this team I am an outsider, and the team prefers to give precedence to people who actually work in the office and who can be referred to by first name. Besides, in the previous week's game I had started at third base and made an error, and our scorekeeper, who is in cahoots with the manager and who dislikes me because I look cuter in my athletic shorts than she does, got me benched for the rest of the game.

As the fourth batter of the inning, there's no assurance that I'll even get to the plate. But I'm eager and nervous, so I grab a bat and start loosening up. The truth is, all of our runs had come early, and their current pitcher was shutting us down.

Leading off the inning, Player No. 1 hits the first pitch hard, really hard, stinging a line drive down the third base line. You can tell when the ball is hit in the sweet part of the bat; the sound is more like a "thud" than a "ping," and the batter's motion is smooth, without the jarring twang of vibrating aluminum. Everyone on the Red Tape baseline breathes in, preparing to cheer.

But the "thud" is quickly followed by the "snap" of leather. The barely-mobile third baseman, who physically resembles a Sherman Tank, somehow snares the ball out of mid-air. The cheers turn to sighs. One out.

Player No. 2 digs into the batter's box. He takes a few pitches, all low. Their pitcher has been serving the ball in the dirt all night, getting batters to pound the ball into the ground or chase high ones for flyouts. No. 2 is patient, though, and gets a knee-high pitch over the plate. He swings, sending it to deep centerfield, and starts sprinting around the bases.

Sprinting across the outfield, though, is their centerfielder, a dark streak of wiry limbs and wind-whipped black hair. He had been coming out of nowhere to shag flies all night, and now a sure hit settles helplessly into the centerfielder's glove. Our sideline is grumbling now. Two outs.

I'm grumbling because this means I'm probably not going to get my at-bat. And in the on-deck circle, I'm gripping the bat tightly now, strangling the life out of it.

Player No. 3, our last hope, comes to the plate. "Be patient," I think at him. "Wait for a good one." He swings at the first pitch. It's a sharp grounder to the left side of the infield, deep in the hole. The shortstop ranges to his right and picks the ball from the grass, whirls and fires to first. Bam-bam-bam. He has No. 3 by a step.

But the first baseman drops the ball. It clanks against his glove and falls to the ground like a crabapple. Safe. The Red Tape sideline exhales as one. They're probably thinking, "Okay, we're not done yet. We have a chance. Who's up next?"

It's me. I walk slowly to the plate, although my heart is firing like a howitzer under my jersey. I would probably be able to hear it, but for the chatter coming from both sidelines. Everyone is on their feet now, yelling. I hear a lot of non-specific encouragement from my sideline, probably because nobody knows my name yet.

I wasn't lacking for confidence, necessarily, but all the attention was making me nervous. I was a lowly zero-for-three on the day, with a popout, a flyout and a groundout. I was running out of ways to get out, and if the skipper watches me take the collar with the game on the line, she's liable to have me drawn and quartered.

The first pitch is tight, inside. I lay off. The second pitch doesn't make it to the plate, and rolls to the catcher. More of this low shit. I scoot up a little in the batter's box and bend my knees a little deeper, lowering my strike zone.

I look at the eyes of the pitcher, this stringy, mustachioed motherfucker. I can see that he's sweaty and tired, and he just wants to get me out and walk off the field. He's nervous. And I know right then that I have him, and I smile, just a little bit.

I get a belt-high pitch and swing hard, driving it to the gap in left-center. It sails just beyond the reach of the leftfielder and past the streaky sonofabitch in center. I'm slow out of the box, because I was watching the flight path, but as I gain steam around first and second base I see the ball it dribbling deeper into the outfield. For a second I manage to focus my eyes on the third-base coach: he's waving me in.

As I make the turn around third, I see Jose ramble across the plate. As I chug down the line, I can feel the softball getting closer to me. The relay throw gets to the catcher about the same time I do, and before she can tag me, I touch home plate. Safe, game over.

Immediately I was engulfed by my teammates; I was hoping that they would lift me up and carry me on their shoulders, a la the sports heroes of Hollywood lore. But instead we did the group jump-around, with people patting my head and offering more non-specific cheers. ("Way to go, you!", "Hooray for teammate!", "All right, bald guy!")

It's softball season again in the Nation's Capital, and I'm playing my first game tonight. It will be fine with me if I never have a moment like that again, but I at least hope a few people will remember my name. Or at least call me "Hero."

Profile

penfield: Dogs playing poker (Default)
Nowhere Man

October 2014

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
121314151617 18
1920 2122232425
262728293031 

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 17th, 2025 12:55 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios