We don't need no stinkin'...

[penfield]

"The best smell in the world is that man that you love."
- Jennifer Aniston


Early today, somewhere between showering and dressing, I forgot to apply my anti-perspirant deodorant.^[1] I'd like to be able to blame this hygienic oversight on distractions from my girlfriend, but she was still fast asleep when I crept into our bedroom closet. I wish I could use the excuse that I was in a morning rush, but the fact is that I had plenty of time and opportunity. It seems obvious that I was simply over-anxious to dig into a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats and click the television on to learn the results of yesterday's primaries.

I have my morning routine down pretty clearly these days: Wake up at 7:15, shower, shave, deodorize, put on underwear & undershirt, breakfast & last night's Colbert Report, brush teeth, finish dressing, kiss J. goodbye, out the door by around 8:30.^[2] It is so rote that it is practically unconscious, which is a good thing when one is half-asleep. But it is not so good when one is inadverently disrupted and results in a missed step.^[3]

Not until I passed through the Metro turnstile did I realize my mistake. I tried to assess the odorous damage personally, but have you ever noticed how difficult it is to smell your own armpits without looking like you're smelling your own armpits, or possibly wiping snot on your shoulder? Initial tests were at least inconclusive, and a follow-up examination in the privacy of my office confirmed that the situation was still managable.

In my office I keep an emergency canister of Axe Deodorant Bodyspray.^[4] I generally only use it on rare occasions for freshening up before or after high-pressure situations. This being a perfectly valid instance for its deployment, my predicament would normally not be a very big deal.

However, today I have a softball game. Even if the temperature were not expected to break 80 degrees with ease this afternoon, my standard 110-percent effort would surely pose an obstacle to prolonged aromatic freshness -- a conflict for which a thin layer of Axe bodyspray is woefully outmatched.

So, I have a choice: I can take time this afternoon to find a CVS and obtain some emergency anti-perspirant fortification, or I can go into battle al fresco, relying on my natural pheremones and personal magnetism to see me through this crisis. What it all comes down to, I suppose, is the likelihood of victory.

Comments

[1]

[enchanted-pants.livejournal.com]

I have experimented with other products and brands over the years. I started with roll-ons, until I found them too drippy and wet. I tried aerosol sprays for a while but became irrationally fearful of accidentally spraying anti-moisture agents into my mouth or eyes. Moving to stick-based deodorants, for a brief period in my early teenage years I was a Degree guy, until I overheard a group of teenage girls talking about how gross Degree smelled, and that phase was over quickly. I dabbled in Right Guard Xtreme, which had cool names like "Cool Peak" and "Fresh Blast," until I realized I wasn’t a snowboarder. I sampled Old Spice High Endurance when it first came out but the strong perfume began to eat through my shirts. Ultimately I settled on Speed Stick Sport Talc, which, not coincidentally, happens to be my father’s preferred anti-perspirant/deodorant.

An old friend used to say that at some point, we all have to pick our scent. Some people adopt sweet or flowery perfumes, some people choose the folksy comfort of baby powder. I’ve settled on Speed Stick Sport Talc, with a fragrance that aptly describes who I am as a person: subtle, yet commanding. Mature, yet playful. Uncompromisingly fresh, but with a quiet dignity.

[2]

[enchanted-pants.livejournal.com]

The order of these events is of no small importance: the prolonged gap in my dressing scheme is to avoid accidental stains from breakfast or toothbrushing or wrinkles in my business attire. I also find that the morning-goodbye kiss is a nifty little test of my toothbrushing efficacy. I also find that putting on a full array of clothing right after having a hot shower can raise my body temperature too quickly, resulting in untimely perspiration the likes of which not even a top-notch anti-perspirant deodorant can combat.

[3]

[enchanted-pants.livejournal.com]

It is conceivable that my routine is so powerfully connected to my motor cortex that I actually did apply the anti-perspirant/deodorant and simply forgot about that. But it is not the kind of situation where I want to take my chances.

[4]

[enchanted-pants.livejournal.com]

I know – gross, on a number of levels. Axe is the personal hygiene equivalent of Maxim Magazine. I am ashamed to admit that I was a total sucker for their ad campaign, the central conceit of which is that Axe body spray gives rise to a derma-chemical reaction that in turn practically magnetizes men with regard to nubile women, who are drawn in with something resembling supergravitational force, often in the middle of slumber party pillowfights. I guess it seemed plausible at the time.

That quote

[(Anonymous)]

That Jennifer Aniston quote is preposterous.

Regardless, I don't think there's any shame in getting sweaty during athletic competition. No need for the deodorant. Odor away.

Re: That quote

[enchanted-pants.livejournal.com]

I admit that the quote is kind of silly, but it's not the most ridiculous thing she could have said. It would have been preposterous if she had said "The best smell in the world is the leather interior of my Bentley" or something.

Also, consider that at the time of the quote, she was probably in love with Brad Pitt, whom everyone knows smells like vanilla and daffodils.

Re: That quote

[(Anonymous)]

"Let me tell you about the very rich [and beautiful]. They are different [smelling] from you and me." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald.