Rain, Rain, Go to Hell
Apr. 7th, 2008 07:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfield"Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Today’s message is a public service announcement from my balls:
It is April, the usual “rainy season” for our particular temperate zone, which means that a plurality of citizens are keeping or carrying umbrellas at this very moment. To these people, particularly if you are a pedestrian entering or exiting the Metro system, I beg you: please be careful with that goddamn thing.
There are, of course, two basic kinds of umbrellas. You have the compact, snub-nosed, extendable kind:
And the cane-length, pointy, potentially lethal version:
Those of you carrying the former may go about your business, assuming you practice discretion with when and where you extend it.
Those of you carrying the latter, there is something you need to know. When you carry the umbrella at arm’s length and swing that arm with even modest velocity, the umbrella becomes a deadly weapon, aimed directly at the groin of the person behind you. Namely me.
This seems to be a more common error among women, perhaps because they are less attuned to potential groin injury, and elderly men, who long ago lost interest in their genitals or anyone else’s. Whomever the offenders, we must raise awareness before someone’s privates are inadvertently bayoneted at the end of an escalator. Namely mine.
So please, if you must carry one of these javelin-style umbrellas, and cannot or will not assume the jaunty umbrella-as-walking stick look of the foppish dandy, at least take care to hold the pointy end at no less than a 45 degree downward angle and carefully measure the rate and depth of your arm sway. Thank you.
April showers might bring May flowers, but that doesn’t mean they also have to bring gruesome scrotal lacerations.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Today’s message is a public service announcement from my balls:
It is April, the usual “rainy season” for our particular temperate zone, which means that a plurality of citizens are keeping or carrying umbrellas at this very moment. To these people, particularly if you are a pedestrian entering or exiting the Metro system, I beg you: please be careful with that goddamn thing.
There are, of course, two basic kinds of umbrellas. You have the compact, snub-nosed, extendable kind:
And the cane-length, pointy, potentially lethal version:
Those of you carrying the former may go about your business, assuming you practice discretion with when and where you extend it.
Those of you carrying the latter, there is something you need to know. When you carry the umbrella at arm’s length and swing that arm with even modest velocity, the umbrella becomes a deadly weapon, aimed directly at the groin of the person behind you. Namely me.
This seems to be a more common error among women, perhaps because they are less attuned to potential groin injury, and elderly men, who long ago lost interest in their genitals or anyone else’s. Whomever the offenders, we must raise awareness before someone’s privates are inadvertently bayoneted at the end of an escalator. Namely mine.
So please, if you must carry one of these javelin-style umbrellas, and cannot or will not assume the jaunty umbrella-as-walking stick look of the foppish dandy, at least take care to hold the pointy end at no less than a 45 degree downward angle and carefully measure the rate and depth of your arm sway. Thank you.
April showers might bring May flowers, but that doesn’t mean they also have to bring gruesome scrotal lacerations.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-07 02:55 pm (UTC)Future Grandmom(my)
no subject
Date: 2008-04-08 03:01 pm (UTC)First, let me assure the author and any other readers that there are currently neither inclinations toward nor indications of my impending fatherhood. Any such presumption is ill-informed, premature and sort of offensive.
As to whether my reproductive machinery is still in working order, I am pleased to say that everything checks out fine so far.
Thank you for your concern.