Die Hard V: Death by Manhole Cover
Mar. 24th, 2008 05:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfieldACT III, Scene i
SETTING: It is February 20, 2003. JOHN MCCLANE and DR. BUDDY VAN SIDEKICK are running with purpose along the Georgetown Canal under the midmorning sun as late-middle aged, well-to-do residents scurry out of their way. In the distance, we can hear explosive popping sounds and the rattle of metal on concrete. MCCLANE, instinctively sensing danger, abruptly stops running, and moments later, a cast-iron manhole cover drops in front of them with a mighty clang.
BUDDY VAN SIDEKICK: Oh no, they’re getting closer. [pulls out a calculator, swiftly punches in a long series of numbers and at the same time appears to do high-level arithmetic in his head] And, by my calculations, they’re getting stronger.
JOHN MCCLANE: Just what we need.
SIDEKICK: What should we do?
MCCLANE: We have to figure out who’s behind this, and why.
SIDEKICK: We studied this as part of my Ph.D thesis in Electromechanical Engineering, with a concentration in Explosive Physics. A similar incident occurred in February 2000, when eletrical cables underneath the street ignited flammable gaseous compounds, causing explosions that launched manhole covers, weighing hundreds of pounds, high up into the air. The incident caused substantial damage to property, serious injury to pedestrians and catastrophic diminishing of certain local property values. [shakes his head and stares wistfully into middle-distance] Urban Outfitters was closed for a whole day, forcing snotty college students and age-deluded yuppies to shop at The Gap. It was awful.
MCCLANE: What the !#&% is this, Einstein, a book report? What's with all the !#&%ing exposition?
SIDEKICK: Well, some people might just be tuning in on HBO-6.
MCCLANE: Yippee-kay-eh, mother!#&%er.
SIDEKICK: Ultimately, the Potomac Electric and Power Company, or PEPCO, was somehow able to put out the fire and render the gases inert, while providing additional venting for existing manhole covers. But it looks like someone has been pumping extra gas into the underground tunnels -- and lit a match.
[MCCLANE’s walkie-talkie crackles with the voice of the GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT]
GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT: McClane, what are you still doing out in the field? Get back to your family at the Smithsonian so you can continue reconciling with your wife and reestablish your humanity with the audience!
MCCLANE: My family, your family, no family is going to be safe until we stop the evil mastermind behind these exploding manhole covers! And that’s just what I’m gonna do.
GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT: Dammit, McClane, your chief back in New York City is going to have your badge for this!
MCCLANE: My badge? Literally dozens of people are in danger and you‘re talking about my badge? [switches off his walkie-talkie and gives a wry half-grin at SIDEKICK] I don’t need no stinking badges.
[50 yards in front of them, another manhole cover clangs to the ground]
MCCLANE: Yabba-dabba-doo, mother!#&%er.
SIDEKICK: [consulting a map and a compass] John! Look at this! The explosions seem to be moving east along M Street.
MCCLANE: Oh, !#&%, it’s headed straight for the White House -- assuming that it bears right on Pennsylvania Avenue and continues on toward 16th street.
[MCCLANE’s cell phone rings]
EVIL MASTERMIND: Officer McClane, I hope you‘re being careful out on our streets today. Haven’t you heard? It’s raining men-hole covers. Meh-heh-heh. I’d run away, if I were you.
MCCLANE: Tell me what you want, you sick !#&%
EVIL MASTERMIND: I want you to do what you always do, Officer McClane. Spread the word -- the U.S. Capital is under a terrorist attack. Tell them now! Tell them all! Meh-heh-heh.
[EVIL MASTERMIND hangs up]
MCCLANE: I’ve heard that laugh somewhere before.
SIDEKICK: Raining men-hole covers? What a dumb joke. Raining assholes is more like it.
MCCLANE: What did you just say?
SIDEKICK: It’s such a dumb joke. They’re called man-hole covers, not men-hole covers. I know he was trying to make it work with the song, but…
MCCLANE: No, you said raining assholes.
SIDEKICK: Nothing personal, Mr. McClane.
MCCLANE: No, what if the evil mastermind is an asshole -- a reigning asshole? What happens if the White House is threatened? Or if the president is assassinated?
SIDEKICK: Well, the vice president will be sent to an undisclosed location and sworn in.
MCCLANE: Exactly. And then he could move unilaterally to commence war with Iraq, without fear of being discovered or investigated for his role … in plotting the attack in the first place!
SIDEKICK: War with Iraq?
SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: That would be great. Hooray!
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA: That would be bad. Booooo!
SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON: Given the information that we have now, I am prepared to say that it is probably great, but it very well could be bad. It is both, and possibly neither. Universal health care!
MCCLANE: I know where I’ve heard that laugh before. The evil mastermind is Vice President Dick Cheney! Think about it: he has the power, the motive and the connections with powerful gas, electric and other energy industries.
SIDEKICK: It all makes sense. But wait -- aren’t you a Republican?
MCCLANE: Mecca-lecca-hi, mecca-heinie-ho, mother!#&%er.
SETTING: It is February 20, 2003. JOHN MCCLANE and DR. BUDDY VAN SIDEKICK are running with purpose along the Georgetown Canal under the midmorning sun as late-middle aged, well-to-do residents scurry out of their way. In the distance, we can hear explosive popping sounds and the rattle of metal on concrete. MCCLANE, instinctively sensing danger, abruptly stops running, and moments later, a cast-iron manhole cover drops in front of them with a mighty clang.
BUDDY VAN SIDEKICK: Oh no, they’re getting closer. [pulls out a calculator, swiftly punches in a long series of numbers and at the same time appears to do high-level arithmetic in his head] And, by my calculations, they’re getting stronger.
JOHN MCCLANE: Just what we need.
SIDEKICK: What should we do?
MCCLANE: We have to figure out who’s behind this, and why.
SIDEKICK: We studied this as part of my Ph.D thesis in Electromechanical Engineering, with a concentration in Explosive Physics. A similar incident occurred in February 2000, when eletrical cables underneath the street ignited flammable gaseous compounds, causing explosions that launched manhole covers, weighing hundreds of pounds, high up into the air. The incident caused substantial damage to property, serious injury to pedestrians and catastrophic diminishing of certain local property values. [shakes his head and stares wistfully into middle-distance] Urban Outfitters was closed for a whole day, forcing snotty college students and age-deluded yuppies to shop at The Gap. It was awful.
MCCLANE: What the !#&% is this, Einstein, a book report? What's with all the !#&%ing exposition?
SIDEKICK: Well, some people might just be tuning in on HBO-6.
MCCLANE: Yippee-kay-eh, mother!#&%er.
SIDEKICK: Ultimately, the Potomac Electric and Power Company, or PEPCO, was somehow able to put out the fire and render the gases inert, while providing additional venting for existing manhole covers. But it looks like someone has been pumping extra gas into the underground tunnels -- and lit a match.
[MCCLANE’s walkie-talkie crackles with the voice of the GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT]
GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT: McClane, what are you still doing out in the field? Get back to your family at the Smithsonian so you can continue reconciling with your wife and reestablish your humanity with the audience!
MCCLANE: My family, your family, no family is going to be safe until we stop the evil mastermind behind these exploding manhole covers! And that’s just what I’m gonna do.
GRUFF POLICE LIEUTENANT: Dammit, McClane, your chief back in New York City is going to have your badge for this!
MCCLANE: My badge? Literally dozens of people are in danger and you‘re talking about my badge? [switches off his walkie-talkie and gives a wry half-grin at SIDEKICK] I don’t need no stinking badges.
[50 yards in front of them, another manhole cover clangs to the ground]
MCCLANE: Yabba-dabba-doo, mother!#&%er.
SIDEKICK: [consulting a map and a compass] John! Look at this! The explosions seem to be moving east along M Street.
MCCLANE: Oh, !#&%, it’s headed straight for the White House -- assuming that it bears right on Pennsylvania Avenue and continues on toward 16th street.
[MCCLANE’s cell phone rings]
EVIL MASTERMIND: Officer McClane, I hope you‘re being careful out on our streets today. Haven’t you heard? It’s raining men-hole covers. Meh-heh-heh. I’d run away, if I were you.
MCCLANE: Tell me what you want, you sick !#&%
EVIL MASTERMIND: I want you to do what you always do, Officer McClane. Spread the word -- the U.S. Capital is under a terrorist attack. Tell them now! Tell them all! Meh-heh-heh.
[EVIL MASTERMIND hangs up]
MCCLANE: I’ve heard that laugh somewhere before.
SIDEKICK: Raining men-hole covers? What a dumb joke. Raining assholes is more like it.
MCCLANE: What did you just say?
SIDEKICK: It’s such a dumb joke. They’re called man-hole covers, not men-hole covers. I know he was trying to make it work with the song, but…
MCCLANE: No, you said raining assholes.
SIDEKICK: Nothing personal, Mr. McClane.
MCCLANE: No, what if the evil mastermind is an asshole -- a reigning asshole? What happens if the White House is threatened? Or if the president is assassinated?
SIDEKICK: Well, the vice president will be sent to an undisclosed location and sworn in.
MCCLANE: Exactly. And then he could move unilaterally to commence war with Iraq, without fear of being discovered or investigated for his role … in plotting the attack in the first place!
SIDEKICK: War with Iraq?
SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: That would be great. Hooray!
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA: That would be bad. Booooo!
SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON: Given the information that we have now, I am prepared to say that it is probably great, but it very well could be bad. It is both, and possibly neither. Universal health care!
MCCLANE: I know where I’ve heard that laugh before. The evil mastermind is Vice President Dick Cheney! Think about it: he has the power, the motive and the connections with powerful gas, electric and other energy industries.
SIDEKICK: It all makes sense. But wait -- aren’t you a Republican?
MCCLANE: Mecca-lecca-hi, mecca-heinie-ho, mother!#&%er.
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The sidekick
Date: 2008-03-26 07:02 pm (UTC)Something's amiss.
Re: The sidekick
Date: 2008-03-26 07:52 pm (UTC)Re: The sidekick
Date: 2008-03-28 07:38 pm (UTC)