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penfield"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."
- Dave Barry (American author and humorist)
The other night, J. lamented to me that it's much easier for guys to make friends with each other than it is for women. For example, earlier this week we attended a small party thrown by a few of J.'s friends. While at this party, I was casually invited to a running "poker night" by someone's boyfriend -- a guy I don't know well enough to consistently remember his first name.
Later, J. admitted that she found this bothersome, given that making plans and resolving issues with her girlfriends often requires strategic triangulation reminiscent of the Yalta Convention.
She instinctively attributes this phenomenon to womankind's desire for deep, meaningful friendships based on empathy, understanding and emotional accessibility. These friendships, and networks of friendships, can be rigid and difficult to expand. Meanwhile, she argues, male relationships and networks are welcoming because they are superficial, revolving around external activities such as sports, trivia or the objectification of women.
She may have us all pegged. But at the same time, I see a more subtle mechanism at work.
Guys are trained, from the onset of puberty, to ask girls on dates while remaining emotionally detatched. This way, if and when the girl rejects them with extreme prejudice, they aren't so devestated that they throw themselves in front of a school bus. This learned emotional detatchment is so well-integrated into a guy's social life that he can use it to propose to his girlfriend, ask other guys to play poker, develop substance abuse problems or marginalize their families.
At the same time, young girls are taught to be guarded and defensive in the face of casual invitations. And though eventually they grow to be intelligent, discerning decision-makers, by the time they reach womanhood they are haunted by hundreds, perhaps thousands of unfortunate dating choices. So they are very wary of entering into any kind of social engagement without giving the situation a thorough analytical review.
Like I say, it's just a theory. J. doesn't care much about theories. I think she just wants to play poker.
- Dave Barry (American author and humorist)
The other night, J. lamented to me that it's much easier for guys to make friends with each other than it is for women. For example, earlier this week we attended a small party thrown by a few of J.'s friends. While at this party, I was casually invited to a running "poker night" by someone's boyfriend -- a guy I don't know well enough to consistently remember his first name.
Later, J. admitted that she found this bothersome, given that making plans and resolving issues with her girlfriends often requires strategic triangulation reminiscent of the Yalta Convention.
She instinctively attributes this phenomenon to womankind's desire for deep, meaningful friendships based on empathy, understanding and emotional accessibility. These friendships, and networks of friendships, can be rigid and difficult to expand. Meanwhile, she argues, male relationships and networks are welcoming because they are superficial, revolving around external activities such as sports, trivia or the objectification of women.
She may have us all pegged. But at the same time, I see a more subtle mechanism at work.
Guys are trained, from the onset of puberty, to ask girls on dates while remaining emotionally detatched. This way, if and when the girl rejects them with extreme prejudice, they aren't so devestated that they throw themselves in front of a school bus. This learned emotional detatchment is so well-integrated into a guy's social life that he can use it to propose to his girlfriend, ask other guys to play poker, develop substance abuse problems or marginalize their families.
At the same time, young girls are taught to be guarded and defensive in the face of casual invitations. And though eventually they grow to be intelligent, discerning decision-makers, by the time they reach womanhood they are haunted by hundreds, perhaps thousands of unfortunate dating choices. So they are very wary of entering into any kind of social engagement without giving the situation a thorough analytical review.
Like I say, it's just a theory. J. doesn't care much about theories. I think she just wants to play poker.
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Re: How About a Play Date?
Date: 2008-01-11 02:34 pm (UTC)The dynamic is also altered by the mere fact of parentage, in that people with children have voluntarily abdicated their erstwhile social life and now have nothing to lose. The "emotional investment" of which I speak, above, is placed fully in the family -- to say nothing of disposable income.
At any rate, Ethan, I think you are totally worthy of being asked to play poker. You just have to be patient and let people get to know you. Don't worry, one day your prince will come.