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[penfield]

For my latest feat of self-indulgent derring-do, I present a mode of art that has been neither popular nor successful for the last 35 years: the concept album.

Obviously this isn't an actual album, since I know less than nothing about writing music, though I did have melodies drifting through my head when I wrote these lyrics. And it's only eight and a half songs long, which means it is at best a "concept EP" or perhaps a far-off-Broadway one-act musical.

But it took me forever to get this stuff out of my head and on to paper, so I beg your allowance of my grandiose delusions. I call this opus...

CALL WAITING



1. You Have No Messages

I look at the phone To see if the light is flashing Maybe she called while I was away But nothing is there Not a single electron stirring Could it be no one has something to say? So I go up to the box to see Maybe there's something wrong with me Maybe the box is broken Maybe my brother is joking around So I might as well press the button It's not like I'm risking nothin' You never know what fate brings You can never predict when lost things are found "You have no messages" it said Like a kick to the head So matter-of-factly, it was exactly What I was afraid it would say "You have no messages" I heard The most discouraging words A person could hear, and now I fear That she's not calling today I look on the desk For some kind of note handwritten But nothing is there but empty space The phone's staring back Taunting me with its silence Mocking my solitude to my face

So I raise up my fist to wreck it Then I think I should double check it Who cares with the stupid track says What if I just didn't access it right? Just to be sure, I'll press it It couldn't get more depressing I have this need to confirm it It'll help me come to terms with my plight "You have no messages" it said Like a kick to the head So matter-of-factly, it was exactly What I was afraid it would say "You have no messages" I heard The most discouraging words A person could hear, and now I fear That she's not calling today [BRIDGE] This stupid machine Is being so mean It's not working right Just out of spite 'Cause it's jealous of me And my friends – can it be? "You have no messages" it said Like a kick to the head So matter-of-factly, it was exactly What I was afraid it would say "You have no messages" I heard The most discouraging words A person could hear, and now I fear That she's not calling today

2. Dial Tone

Peter hits "talk" on the handset receiver Since she said that she'd call and he wants to believe her But a sense of dread fills him, Curiosity kills him And he listens intently for a sign of life He hears the sound, the familiar droning Of a perfectly healthy and functioning phone line Then hangs up in a tizzy So the line isn't busy Just in case, at that moment, she is trying to call It's a dial tone A one-way conversation to the phone from the phone line Saying "it's okay to call – No problem here at all" It's a dial tone An alarm for the impatient But if you can hear it Means your calls aren't coming through The dialing's up to you Peter picks up again, poised with his thumb to jab the glowing green buttons with Stephanie's number For a moment he pauses And the sound he hears causes him to rethink his plan – what would a man do?

Yesterday's call, and the other on Tuesday Went unanswered; what more would he really have to say? The dial tone dares him But the thought of it scares him He denies the desperation, and puts the phone down [BRIDGE] And again, He wonders While the heart within him thunders Is she on Vacation Does he reek of desperation Does she know He's waiting Or is she just debating If she'll call Is she home Is she sitting all alone With a dial tone A one-way conversation to the phone from the phone line Saying "it's okay for talking – Let your fingers do the walking" It's a dial tone An alarm for the impatient And if you can hear it Other calls aren't coming through There's just one thing to do

3. At The Beep

Leave a message at the beep Says the disembodied voice So commanding, so demanding Like you have no other choice To condense all of your thoughts Into a thirty-second sound byte With ten seconds to prepare And if it doesn't sound right Well, too bad – what's done is done There's no way you can erase it There's no time to panic now You simply have to face it: There you are (I'm not here) For a moment in time (I'm away from my phone) You can let it define you (call you back when I get home) As a keeper or a creep (leave your name and your number) At the beep Leave a message at the beep Says the woman-slash-machine Now be charming and disarming And be sure to keep it clean 'Cause who knows who else is listening She might play it for her friends She might save it as a token Of her love; it all depends On your ability to improvise A wise and witty line Be casually brilliant And I'm sure you'll be just fine There you are It's your moment to shine Don't you let your voice waver Give her something to savor There you are (I'm not here) For a moment in time (I'm away from my phone) You can let it define you (call you back when I get home) As a keeper or a creep (leave your name and your number) At the beep

[BRIDGE] So keep it simple And stay relaxed No need to be cutesy Just give her the facts Your name and your number Hello and goodbye And a taste of the charm That no woman could ever deny Leave a message at the [BEEP]: "Hello, Stephanie? It's Pete. We met last week in homeroom You were sitting in my seat. Anyway, I was just thinking If you're free on Friday night Would you like to see a movie? Eight o' clock? If that's all right? Maybe after we'll get ice cream I sure hope that you can go. You already have my number, Call me back and let me know. Or get back to me tomorrow. Although I'll be late to homeroom because of Math League. You could e-mail me if you want. I'm 'mathguy69@hotmail.com'. You must think that I'm a total math dork now, but my dad actually came up with that address years ago. '69' is my house number, by the way. I don't want you to think I'm a total pervert. I'm not going to come on to you or anything. Although you are very pretty. I bet you're popular with all the guys. Wait, that didn't come out right. Crap. Is there any way to erase… [BEEP]" There you are (I'm not here) For a moment in time (I'm away from my phone) You can let it define you (call you back when I get home) As a keeper or a creep (leave your name and your number) At the beep [CALL WAITING BEEP]

4. Call Waiting

You've spent a lifetime With babbling Brookes And vacant Skyes Did you ever wonder Between the stories And generous lies What else was out there? Once you were lost Now you're found and the sound is ringing In your ear Now there's a call waiting for you What are you waiting for? It's inviting you To take flight – don't you fight it any more There's a call waiting for you What are you waiting on? Will you answer it? Take a chance or the chance could be gone You've had your moments Of modest thrills And moderate heights You found some glory In quick successes And easy fights

But that didn't fill you With the will to go on Now the best of your destiny's calling you With its song Now there's a call waiting for you What are you waiting for? It's inviting you To take flight – you can't fight it any more There's a call waiting for you What are you waiting on? Will you answer it? Take a chance or the chance could be gone [BRIDGE] The noise may surround you, But something has found you There's a power beyond us That's guiding us all Your future is calling So why are you stalling? Put your pride in your pocket And answer the call Now there's a call waiting for you What are you waiting for? It's inviting you To take flight – it's all right – you can't fight it Anymore…

5. The Telephone Game

Hello Peter, Tommy here What's this rumor that I hear That you got Stephanie Renee To share her number yesterday Joey said that you told Ann You'll ask her to the movies and To dinner at the Welcome Mat And maybe ice cream after that Will you kiss her? What's your plan? Give me details! Spill it, man! Hello Peter, this is Jeff Tommy told me you and Steph Are dating now, way to go I heard you took her to a show And dinner at the Captain's Hat With ice skating at Astor Flats Tommy said you kissed her, too Really, Peter? Is it true? I won't tell no one, I swear About your little love affair

Hello Peter – Mary-Claire. There are rumors everywhere That you and someone named Renee Saw Cat-in-the-Hat on Saturday And then, while at the ice capades You somehow got to second base I also heard from Jeff and Tom You're going to take her to the prom Peter, this confuses me. Whatever happened with Stephanie? [CALL WAITING BEEP]

6. Call Waiting (Reprise)

You tried your best And stumbled hard At the finish line You're sick and tired Of rumor mills And prying minds You want to surrender But you shouldn't give in Because running in place isn't running a race You can win

Now there's a call waiting for you What are you waiting for? It's inviting you To take flight – you can't fight it any more There's a call waiting for you What are you waiting on? Will you answer it? Take a chance or the chance could be gone

7. Telemarketer Blues

[VOICE: "Hello, may I speak with … Mr. … Ja-cob-o-witz?"] They call me in the morning They call me at night They call me when I'm eating Man, that ain't right They call me up at random Mispronounce my name Always begging for something Don't seem to have no shame I've got the blues all right Telemarketer blues I've got the asking-me-if-I-am-satisfied-with-my-Internet-and-long-distance-service blues Sometimes I wanna lie to 'em Tell 'em "he ain't here" Sometimes I wanna hang up Slam the phone on their ear Sometimes just to mess with 'em I'll tell 'em "oh, he just died." Then I'll weep and I'll wail Until their guilt tears 'em up inside

I got the blues, I say Telemarketer Blues I've got the asking-me-to-take-a-survey-about-my-laundry-detergent-preferences blues I know they don't mean it They're just doing their job And their charity cases Make me wanna sob But I'm taking a stand here Yeah, I'm gonna show 'em Next time I need a few bucks, I'm gonna call them up at home I got the blues, I do Telemarketer Blues I've got the asking-me-for-a-donation-to-the-Christian-disabled-dyslexic-wounded-Albanian-refugee-firefighter-alumni-council blues

8. Do Not Call

"Hi, how are you" So common and polite But I never know How to answer right If I were really honest I would say good-night And throw my telephone away "What's up," they say Like they really care They don't hear my answer They just want to share Their own pithy problems And it's just not fair It makes me want to sigh and say Do not call me I've had enough of this Do not call me Take me off your list Wipe my number from your records Don't come calling on my phone If this is conversation I would rather be alone [BRIDGE] 'Cause the phone line's cold and shallow And my room's so very bare Why must she be there Instead of here?

"How have you been?" She might say tonight And I still won't know How to answer right If she were here with me I would hold her tight But she's miles and lines away If the phone can't ring Then I'll never know If she never calls And she never shows I can never ask her And she can't say no It really seems to be the easiest way Do not call me I've had enough of this Do not call me Take me off your list Wipe my number from your records Don't come calling on my phone If this is conversation I would rather be alone

9. Speaking

[SOUND: PHONE RINGS] My phone rings Once I wonder if it's you Then, twice Is it really true Three times I'm no good at this game I pick up the receiver And then you say my name It's me Speaking Asking how you are Wondering about your day Beating 'round the bushes Playing games we play Being nice and charming Passing all your tests Asking you to dinner Hoping you say yes You say hello And I reply in kind Thoughts and phrases Racing through my mind We make small talk All is going well But my voice shakes I wonder, can you tell

This is me Speaking Telling you my stories Laughing at your jokes Answering your questions Hearing 'bout your folks Teaching you my talents Learning something new Feeling something happening Hoping you do too Time is flying As the conversation flows But my moment Is drawing to a close At the moment When the rhythm swings my way I get real cool And confidently say: This is me Speaking Finding you extraordinary Sharing all my schemes Guessing at your secrets Learning all your dreams Waiting for the moment Knocking on your door Needing just to know you Wanting even more Stephanie Would you like to go out with me?

Comments

Getting conceptual

[hbinc.livejournal.com]

Believe it or not, concept albums have done pretty well recently: Green Day's "American Idiot" was huge in 2005, and My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade" was a bit hit earlier this year. True, neither quite equals "Tommy" or "The Wall," but the concept album is alive and reasonably healthy.