You Can Leave Your Hat On
Feb. 2nd, 2005 03:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfieldI went to Marshall's on Monday to buy a winter hat. I was trying to replace a winter hat that somehow got lost in the 50 feet between M.'s car and my apartment late Saturday night. I'm really pretty upset that I lost it, because it's very difficult for me to buy a winter hat that looks right.
You see, my head is quite round, the result of being delivered via C-section. (Thanks, Mom.) This is not really so bad, especially now that I shave my head, because it means I don't have any unsightly dents or bumps or tong marks to camouflage. The problem, though, is that my head tends to look a little too round, like a honeydew melon balanced on top of my neck. (This often accurately simulates my intellect, as well.)
Wearing a hat only seems to accentuate my round-headedness, especially the kind where you roll back the cuff to create an extra flap of warmth around the forehead and ears. So I was pretty happy when I found a black knit cap that was both comfortable and flattering. That is, until I misplaced it.
Since I had gone to Marshalls straight from work, and it was a somewhat cold day, so I was wearing one of my backup hats. It was my brown one, a rather short brown one, sometimes referred to as a "beanie." I had always pictured a beanie as being a baseball cap with a propeller on it, like something you might see on an episode of Little Rascals. But apparently a beanie refers to any knit cap larger than a yarmulke. And now the beanie has apparently built a fledgling amount of tough-guy credibility since it has become fairly popular on "the streets," by which I mean rap videos.
My beanie has a little Kangol logo on it. As a general rule, I prefer clothing without any logos or slogans on them. But it was a nice little hat, and I figured I could just turn the hat around and wear it with the logo lying unobtrusively in the back. This doesn't stop D. from calling it my "Samuel L. Jackson" hat, despite the fact that Jackson wears an entirely different style of hat, and I own at least three hats of that particular style, none of which D. has ever seen fit to name.
Anyway, I bought that very beanie at Marshalls. And as I was walking toward the store, I became concerned. Should I wear the hat into the store? What if I wear the hat into the store and nobody notices, but they see me wearing it when I walk out? Won't they think I'm shoplifting? Or will they just assume I was wearing it when I came in? Do they have someone paying attention to what people are wearing when they walk in? Doesn't it seem like they have more important things to do? Especially since the lines are like half-an-hour long already? If they caught me, would a conscientous customer come to my defense and tell them that they saw me walk in with my hat on? What if she's cute? Does this mean she was checking me out? Or did I draw attention to myself in some negative way? Is it the pleated pants? Do I walk funny? Was there a booger sticking out?
Maybe nobody's paying attention. They don't seem to have security guards. Unless they're undercover. That seems unlikely. Because many of the clothes already have those little electronic tags. But you can't put those in hats. Hats are too small, and if you had those big fat electronic tags on there, all the hats would be uncomfortable or hang slightly askew. No one would buy them. The hats do have the price tags with the bar codes on them. Those don't set off the alarms near the door, do they? Have they developed that technology yet? And wouldn't it be ridiculously easy to just tear the tag off? I bet you wouldn't even need a pair of scissors, unless you were real worried about tearing some of the fabric. And besides, I think if I were a security guard and someone tried to steal a hat, I might let it slide, especially if it was an ugly hat, and the person looked really cold. A person wouldn't steal a hat unless they really needed it. Go ahead, steal a hat, if you need it. That's my policy. I don't want your sinus infection on my conscience.
Maybe when they see me walking out with a bag, they'll assume I paid for it. But what if I don't buy anything? What if I just casually leave the store empty-handed? Doesn't that seem a little suspicious? Won't they think something's up? Especially if I'm wearing my tough-guy hat. Not that all tough guys are necessarily thieves. I'm sure that most thieves are actually quite cowardly. Especially hat thieves. Recreational hat thieves, I mean. Not the kind who need a hat to survive. I'm talking about your inveterate kleptomaniacs here. I mean, ten bucks? What a wussy thing to steal. But, fair or not, I think there's a stereotype that suggests there is a lot of crime in "the streets." But I really don't look like I'm from "the streets." And even if I did, who would mess with me? Would you mess with a guy in a beanie? Would you mess with a shaven-headed, vaguely stubbly man in a Kangol beanie? Would you mess with Samuel L. Jackson?
So I figure, forget it, I'll just put the hat in my pocket. But then I think: wait a second. Isn't that worse? Isn't that more suspicious, to have a hat in your pocket? Why wouldn't it be on my head, unless I was trying to steal something? Imagine, a guy goes over to the hat section of the store and walks out with a hat in his pocket. Wouldn't you figure he was trying to pull a fast one? I could try to stuff it way down deep in my pocket, but then I'd just have this weird bulge in my pocket, which could be anything. Like that won't arouse more suspicion? Might they think I have something weird in there? Like a woman's shoe or something? Would I rather be a suspected thief, or a suspected cross-dresser? If they asked me about my bulge, could I just tell them it was a goiter? And they pressed me about it, I could act out some kind of emotional breakdown and talk about all the prejudice and humiliation I've endured, so that not only would they have to let me go, but I would raise awareness of the plight of goiter-sufferers nationwide? That would make me feel kind of proud, even if I was a little annoyed at being hassled about my bulge.
But it's best to avoid that confrontation, I decide, and I just put the hat in my briefcase. No need to make waves. I still feel slightly inconvenienced, but this way I can keep my hat but not cause a whole big scene. So then I walk into the store, eyeballing the sales clerks to see if they're eyeballing me back, when I suddenly realize something:
I bought these pants at Marshall's, too.
You see, my head is quite round, the result of being delivered via C-section. (Thanks, Mom.) This is not really so bad, especially now that I shave my head, because it means I don't have any unsightly dents or bumps or tong marks to camouflage. The problem, though, is that my head tends to look a little too round, like a honeydew melon balanced on top of my neck. (This often accurately simulates my intellect, as well.)
Wearing a hat only seems to accentuate my round-headedness, especially the kind where you roll back the cuff to create an extra flap of warmth around the forehead and ears. So I was pretty happy when I found a black knit cap that was both comfortable and flattering. That is, until I misplaced it.
Since I had gone to Marshalls straight from work, and it was a somewhat cold day, so I was wearing one of my backup hats. It was my brown one, a rather short brown one, sometimes referred to as a "beanie." I had always pictured a beanie as being a baseball cap with a propeller on it, like something you might see on an episode of Little Rascals. But apparently a beanie refers to any knit cap larger than a yarmulke. And now the beanie has apparently built a fledgling amount of tough-guy credibility since it has become fairly popular on "the streets," by which I mean rap videos.
My beanie has a little Kangol logo on it. As a general rule, I prefer clothing without any logos or slogans on them. But it was a nice little hat, and I figured I could just turn the hat around and wear it with the logo lying unobtrusively in the back. This doesn't stop D. from calling it my "Samuel L. Jackson" hat, despite the fact that Jackson wears an entirely different style of hat, and I own at least three hats of that particular style, none of which D. has ever seen fit to name.
Anyway, I bought that very beanie at Marshalls. And as I was walking toward the store, I became concerned. Should I wear the hat into the store? What if I wear the hat into the store and nobody notices, but they see me wearing it when I walk out? Won't they think I'm shoplifting? Or will they just assume I was wearing it when I came in? Do they have someone paying attention to what people are wearing when they walk in? Doesn't it seem like they have more important things to do? Especially since the lines are like half-an-hour long already? If they caught me, would a conscientous customer come to my defense and tell them that they saw me walk in with my hat on? What if she's cute? Does this mean she was checking me out? Or did I draw attention to myself in some negative way? Is it the pleated pants? Do I walk funny? Was there a booger sticking out?
Maybe nobody's paying attention. They don't seem to have security guards. Unless they're undercover. That seems unlikely. Because many of the clothes already have those little electronic tags. But you can't put those in hats. Hats are too small, and if you had those big fat electronic tags on there, all the hats would be uncomfortable or hang slightly askew. No one would buy them. The hats do have the price tags with the bar codes on them. Those don't set off the alarms near the door, do they? Have they developed that technology yet? And wouldn't it be ridiculously easy to just tear the tag off? I bet you wouldn't even need a pair of scissors, unless you were real worried about tearing some of the fabric. And besides, I think if I were a security guard and someone tried to steal a hat, I might let it slide, especially if it was an ugly hat, and the person looked really cold. A person wouldn't steal a hat unless they really needed it. Go ahead, steal a hat, if you need it. That's my policy. I don't want your sinus infection on my conscience.
Maybe when they see me walking out with a bag, they'll assume I paid for it. But what if I don't buy anything? What if I just casually leave the store empty-handed? Doesn't that seem a little suspicious? Won't they think something's up? Especially if I'm wearing my tough-guy hat. Not that all tough guys are necessarily thieves. I'm sure that most thieves are actually quite cowardly. Especially hat thieves. Recreational hat thieves, I mean. Not the kind who need a hat to survive. I'm talking about your inveterate kleptomaniacs here. I mean, ten bucks? What a wussy thing to steal. But, fair or not, I think there's a stereotype that suggests there is a lot of crime in "the streets." But I really don't look like I'm from "the streets." And even if I did, who would mess with me? Would you mess with a guy in a beanie? Would you mess with a shaven-headed, vaguely stubbly man in a Kangol beanie? Would you mess with Samuel L. Jackson?
So I figure, forget it, I'll just put the hat in my pocket. But then I think: wait a second. Isn't that worse? Isn't that more suspicious, to have a hat in your pocket? Why wouldn't it be on my head, unless I was trying to steal something? Imagine, a guy goes over to the hat section of the store and walks out with a hat in his pocket. Wouldn't you figure he was trying to pull a fast one? I could try to stuff it way down deep in my pocket, but then I'd just have this weird bulge in my pocket, which could be anything. Like that won't arouse more suspicion? Might they think I have something weird in there? Like a woman's shoe or something? Would I rather be a suspected thief, or a suspected cross-dresser? If they asked me about my bulge, could I just tell them it was a goiter? And they pressed me about it, I could act out some kind of emotional breakdown and talk about all the prejudice and humiliation I've endured, so that not only would they have to let me go, but I would raise awareness of the plight of goiter-sufferers nationwide? That would make me feel kind of proud, even if I was a little annoyed at being hassled about my bulge.
But it's best to avoid that confrontation, I decide, and I just put the hat in my briefcase. No need to make waves. I still feel slightly inconvenienced, but this way I can keep my hat but not cause a whole big scene. So then I walk into the store, eyeballing the sales clerks to see if they're eyeballing me back, when I suddenly realize something:
I bought these pants at Marshall's, too.
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Pants
Date: 2005-02-02 08:24 pm (UTC)I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store. So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. Well, I don't know if I lost track of time or what, but the next think I knew I slipped and fell in the mud.
Ruining the very pants I was about to return.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-02 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-03 09:59 am (UTC)woody
Date: 2005-02-03 02:25 pm (UTC)Also, I am much better-looking.
I choose to take your question as a compliment anyway, and therefore I have taken the liberty of adding you as a "friend." Of course, this means you have to be friendly, so if you think at any point you're going to call me bad names, please let me know in advance.
Re: woody
Date: 2005-02-03 03:52 pm (UTC)Store dectectives
Date: 2005-02-03 02:58 pm (UTC)Stores like Marshalls (say, Filene's Basement) have people called "Store Detectives" working for them. Their job is to keep an eye on the customers and the employees to make sure that no one's stealing anything, but to look like an ordinary shopper in doing so. One of the SD's at Filene's Basement once told me that all the security cameras at our store in Newton (which had a rather upscale clientele) was to keep an eye on the employees, not the customers. That, plus $5.50 an hour, really made me feel loved.
Back when I was in college, I could pretty easily spot one of them at any store I went to; I almost always attracted their attention. The key concept behind the SD is that s/he is dressed like a customer, not like a fake cop. It's a fun game to play, trying to guess who the SD is. There's always one on the floor. At the Marshalls in Pentagon City, I'd guess there's at least two or three, and four on weekends. It's a busy place.
I hate shopping, and so when I go into a store, I really tend to race through the racks, flipping over a price tag now and then. It really looks like I'm not about to buy anything, so it's not that surprising that stores think I'm trying to steal things. That's not to say that I wasn't offended by it. Combine my shopping habits with my college attire ("homeless chic"), and I basically looked like someone with no intention of buying anything.
Occasionally, I still spot Store Detectives following black customers around. The thing is, Pants, little electronic thingies alone aren't going to prevent anyone from stealing. All you have to do, if you are stealing something, is to hang out by the front of the store and leave at the same time as another customer. The bell rings, and the sweet little old lady goes back to the loss prevention person at the front, shows her receipt and goes on her way. She's an unwitting accomplice, because she also distracted the bored security guard who's make $7 an hour. Meanwhile, the thief is 200 yards beyond the front door by the time the guard is finished with her. It's his tag that set off the alarm.
Filene's Basement got smarter about this by using ink tags instead of electronic beeping ones. Sure, you could steal it, but there was no way (that I knew of) that a person could remove the inky tag and not ruin the item. (I worked at the returns desk and people would complain about this.)
For further information about loss prevention, consult your local library.
Re: Store dectectives
Date: 2005-02-03 03:56 pm (UTC)Steal This!
Date: 2005-02-04 03:30 am (UTC)