penfield | Everybody Hurts

We live in an era of disappointment. Along with mankind's great advances in art, science and philosophy has come mankind's profound struggle to share in a piece of this humanistic progress. Inevitably, there are failures. Where there is failure, there is loss, and where there is loss, there is grief. Among pop psychologists and armchair self-help gurus, the so-called Five Stages of Grief has garnered nearly universal acclamation.

Intuitively, this "Five Stages" concept makes sense, but in reality the coping process is much more complex. Our journey through grief incorporates many various but distinct shades of emotion, strung together to form a circuitous pathway to healing. I have attempted to delineate that path here in "The 33 Flavors of Coping." By the time you have tasted all the flavors, you will have endured the abdominal distension of grief, absorbed the indelible stains of self-improvement, and gained the valuable weight of life experience.

The 33 Flavors of Coping

Shock
The subject, suddenly confronted by a loss, bad news or other unpleasant stimuli, is stunned into temporary inaction.
Physical indications: The jaw will commonly drop, along with any other items that may be in the subject's hands.
Note: If you detect the smell of burnt hair, the hum of electrical current or a brief x-ray image of the individual's skeleton, the subject is undergoing an entirely different kind of shock and should be provided with immediate medical attention.
Confusion
The subject struggles to fit this new information into his/her existing worldview.
Telltale sign: A furrowed brow, accompanied by dramatic head-shaking and nervous stuttering, just like when you were taking that pre-calculus test and you couldn't even figure out the question, much less the answer, and you could look around and see that everyone else was breezing right through it as if it were a word jumble, but you were absolutely stuck and became convinced that they mistakenly gave you and only you the Hungarian-language version of the test.
Panic
The rational center of the brain temporarily shuts down, allowing the primitive and overwhelmed monkey brain to take over. The monkey brain, limited to fundamental fight-or-flight responses, is resigned to hurling its own metaphorical feces.
Also known as: Freaking out, Flipping out, Spazzing out, Having a Spaz, Going Spaz, Exploring Mount Spaz, Getting Your Spaz On
Denial
The rational mind recovers, and reflexively and subconsciously rejects the unpleasant information.
Telltale Phrase: "Nuh-uh."
Defiance
The subject becomes aware of his/her denial and attempts to subvert the unpleasantness through mere will.
Telltale sign: General clenching, particularly of teeth and fists, and possibly the object of loss.
Realization
Denial and defiance prove futile, as the new information is crammed into the subject's worldview, like trying to squeeze another shoe into an already-full suitcase, such that you have to jump on top of it just to get the thing shut.
Physical indications: The subject will appear to have just had a shoe crammed in his "suitcase."
Pain, Phase I
Physical indications: nausea, mild physical discomfort and dull throbbing sensations.
Also known as: Achy Breaky Heart.
Self-inventory
The subject instantaneously takes stock of his/her life, assessing the severity of the loss and the actuarial value of continuing on.
For example: The subject will commonly start with his/her pockets, just to make his/her keys and wallet are still there. If not, wow, what a shitty day.
Self-flagellation
The subject takes some blame for his/her part in the loss, i.e., "If I hadn't slept with her sister, maybe she wouldn't have broken up with me."
Telltale sign: Ashamed head-hanging.
Excuses
The subject tries to explain (to others and himself) the motives behind his choices, i.e., "But what was I supposed to do? Her sister said she was ready for bed."
Telltale sign: Shameful skirting of responsibility.
Blame
The subject assuages his guilt by assigning culpability to another person, i.e., "It's not my fault she didn't have any pajamas!"
Telltale sign: Shameless finger-pointing.
Isolation
The subject seeks to remove himself from all human contact, so as to avoid interaction with new people, or the object of loss, or very possibly her sister. Theorizing that since relationships are so fleeting, and end in so much pain, the subject decides that it would be more productive to sit at home and watch The O.C. or, God help us, American Idol.
Telltale sign: Sudden and conspicuous lack of attention to personal hygiene.
Medication
The subject seeks to wash away any lingering pain – while also breaking up the monotony of sitting at home – by enjoying drugs and/or alcohol. This typically leads to stumbling and falling and crashing into things, which ultimately lead to further medication in the form of Band-Aids and Icy Hot.
Physical indications: Slurred speech, compromised motor skills, fascination with shiny objects and complex polygons.
Revisitation
The subject begins to scrutinize the critical moment over and over in his/her head, playing, rewinding and re-playing it on an endless loop, like the Zapruder film, only bloodier.
Physical indications: Squinting into middle distance, at nothing in particular.
Revision
The same critical moment is reworked, rewritten and edited in the subject's imagination to suggest a more pleasant outcome, and possibly a tastefully lit nude scene.
Telltale phrase: "If only I hadn't kicked him so hard."
Pain, Phase II
Physical indications: fatigue, body soreness, muscular atrophy, skin rashes
Note: Avid video game players may not notice any difference.
Indignance
Feeling wronged, the subject assumes a delusional notion of social or moral righteousness over the offending person or circumstance.
Telltale phrase: "Do you know who I am?"
Example: "Do you know who I am? I'm Tom DeLay!"
Consumption
The collective trauma and stress consumes the subject's strength, pride, and soul, leaving a gaping void within a human shell.
Telltale sign: Attempts to fill the void with Chee-tos and grain alcohol.
Purging
The subject's mind and body reject these substitutes and cleanse themselves of all offensive material.
Note: This spiritual housecleaning does not apply to the subject's accumulated cache of pornography, which will almost certainly come in useful in about 11 steps.
Patsy Cline
The subject's spirit, now tidy, is given a thorough rinsing via the tear-stained country music stylings of one of Nashville's greatest torch singers, particularly "Crazy" and "I Fall to Pieces."
Telltale sign: Dangerously high levels of twang.
Attention-whoring
Hungry for new experiences and desperate affection, the subject foists him/herself upon society and tries to make friends by being as loud and obnoxious as possible. Truly passive-aggressive individuals will use the Internet to "blog" brashly and endlessly, spouting their own self-indulgent pseudo-intellectual pablum and parsing each and every syllable of their fellow blowhards' mundane ramblings, all while claiming plausible emotional safety behind a thin veil of anonymity.
Note: Present company excluded.
Telltale sign: Karaoke.
Actual whoring
Underwhelmed by the efficacy of their attention-whoring and finding that their personalities lack the requisite magnetism for prolonged companionship, the subject explores the comparative drawing power of his/her sexy parts, recklessly and indiscriminately.
Physical indications: Early-morning catatonia and a periodic burning sensations during urination.
Overcompensation
Having cobbled together a pathetic but tangible social life from incessant wisecrackery and random fucking, the subject gains an inflated sense of self worth. (See also: Ann Coulter) In an effort to prove his/her health and progress, the subject tests the limits of these self-gratifying but spiritually empty pursuits.
Telltale sign: Increased tolerance for and references to MTV.
Self-pity
Eventually, this aggrandized self-perception collapses and the subject is left feeling vacant and alone, like a kosher deli in Houston, Texas. The subject recognizes that self-pity is easier and faster than eliciting pity from other people, plus they can do it in the comfort of their own home.
Physical indications: Crying is rare, since no one else is around to really appreciate it. However, a low, moaning or wailing, perhaps slightly muffled by a pillow, is not uncommon.
Telltale phrase: "Muhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
Fear
Left to his/her own neuroses, the subject develops a paralyzing fear of the outside world and anxieties about their emotional health and mortality go unsoothed.
Telltale phrase: "What if …"
For example: "What if I fail again? What if I'm just no good? What if nobody likes me? What if I never have sex again? What if it shrivels up and falls off? What if I smell bad? What if nobody's reading this? What if somebody's reading this? What if I left my iron on? What if I've fallen and I can't get up? What if Nick and Jessica don't get back together? What if the terrorists win?" etc.
Pain, Phase III
The subject's wretched emotional state manifests itself physically.
Physical indications: Intense migranes, toothaches, loss of motor functions, organ failure.
Telltale phrase: "MUHHHHHHHHHHHHH."
Bloodthirst/Vengeance
The subject is slowly nursed back to health by adrenaline and newfound optimism, which fosters increased physical strength. This, in turn, leads to thoughts of retribution against the unpleasant stimuli for causing such profound pain and fear. Sick, violent fantasies are punctuated only by brief trips to the store and the bathroom. Most individuals do not act on these impulses, otherwise the Best Buy service department would be in perpetual danger.
Physical indications: Uncontrollable laughter during "The Godfather"
Note: Operating heavy machinery during this phase is not recommended.
Flights of Fancy
As the violent urges subside, the subject once again retreats into a fantasy world, similar to the "Revision" phase but with more action, exotic locales, vivid characters and more elaborate sex scenes. Hollywood directors tend to be permanently trapped in this phase.
Telltale sign: Frequent napping.
Wanderlust
The subject integrates Flights of Fancy with physical action and gets out of the house. Exploration and experimentation is normal, within boundaries. The subject should take care to focus on Wanderlust and stay far away from Wonderland.
Telltale sign: U2's "Where the Streets Have No Name"
Regular Lust
The subject's search turns toward more immediate and sexual gratification, including dalliances in phone sex, strip clubs and Cinemax.
Physical indications: Persistent panting.
Negotiation
Once the subject's base urges have been satisfied, or have become too expensive, he/she establishes guidelines for future behavior so as to rejoin everyday society. In Freudian terms, the Super-ego and the Id discuss the terms of custody over the Ego. What the Super-ego doesn't know is that the Id has been playing around on the side with Neurophysiology, while the Ego and his friends have been experimenting with Behaviorism.
Telltale phrase: "I swear this is absolutely the last time."
Mourning
Now at peace with the loss, the subject grants him/herself the opportunity to grieve. Closure is achieved and the healing process reaches stasis.
Telltale sign: Forbearance of pleasure as a gesture of honor, reflection on happy memories, starch-filled brunch buffet.
Substitution
The subject seeks out the next object of loss, so that the process can get started once again.
Telltale phrase: "So, I met someone last night."