Grey's Insanity
Feb. 27th, 2006 04:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfieldMany of you may be aware of the runaway ratings hit that is Grey's Anatomy. It is a spectacularly popular drama about young doctors and their seemingly unlimited angst over careers, personal lives and the health of their patients.
It is, I suppose, possible that some of you have not actually watched this show. For those of you who have not, this is what you're missing.
Act One
Scene One – The Interns' Apartment
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Sometimes, the earth spins on its axis. Sometimes, when it makes one complete revolution, it's called a "day," and things happen to me. It looks like this is going to be one of those days.
MEREDITH: McDreamy and I had a moment.
IZZY: A moment?
CHRISTINA: What's a moment?
GEORGE: You had what?
CHRISTINA: She said she had a moment.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously. [begins gentle weeping.]
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously.
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously.
MEREDITH: Seriously? [suddenly stops weeping]
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
GEORGE: A moment? What's that mean?
MEREDITH: I can't remember. [resumes gentle weeping]
GEORGE: Maybe you'd like to talk about it over lunch today.
MEREDITH: What are you guys doing for lunch today?
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Yep, it's going to be one of those days.
Scene Two – Seattle Grace Hospital, break room
DR. SHEPHERD/"McDREAMY": We're out of ice cream at home. I'll pick some up after work.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I like chocolate ice cream.
DR. SHEPHERD: I like vanilla ice cream.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Well, I prefer chocolate ice cream.
[MEREDITH enters hallway]
DR. SHEPHERD: [looks wistfully at MEREDITH] Okay, fine, we can get chocolate ice cream.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: How are we ever going to make this marriage work if you won't fight for it?
DR. SHEPHERD: [gaze drifts into middle distance, and he pauses meaningfully] I don't know.
Scene Three – Intern Locker Room
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously. McDreamy likes vanilla. I like vanilla.
IZZY: Vanilla's good.
CHRISTINA: I like chocolate. Vanilla is so boring.
GEORGE: [reassuringly] I like vanilla.
ALEX: [with preternatural cruelty] You are vanilla.
MEREDITH: [eyes tearing up] She stole my vanilla boyfriend!
CHRISTINA: He was married, Meredith.
MEREDITH: [on the verge of hysterical weeping] Hey, you're supposed to be my best friend!
CHRISTINA: Don't be upset just because I'm in a healthy, mature and profoundly rewarding relationship with a successful, kind, attractive, well-adjusted surgeon, despite the fact that I am emotionally closed-off, arbitrarily hostile and full of deep-seated irrational fears of intimacy and trust.
MEREDITH: I have deep-seated irrational fears of intimacy and trust! I want to date a surgeon!
IZZY: I want to date a surgeon, too.
ALEX: [to IZZY] You could date an up-and-coming surgeon right now.
IZZY: Ugh, please.
CHRISTINA: Up-and-coming too quickly, from what I hear.
MEREDITH: [Bawls inconsolably]
Act Two
Scene One – Hospital triage area
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Sometimes, in a hospital, people get sick. But they never ask, "How sick are the doctors?"
DR. BAILEY: Okay, my little doctor larvae, what is this patient's problem?
GEORGE: Mr. Smith is experiencing heart palpitations, migrane headaches, a wet hacking cough, a bloody nose, elbow tendinitis, carpal-tunnel syndrome, nagging feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, chronic impotence punctuated by six-hour-long periods of acute priapism, and explosive diarrhea.
MEREDITH: Hey, this reminds me of a time when I had explosive diarrhea. It was the same day my parents split up and sent me on my endless search for male validation.
DR. BAILEY: Treatment?
ALEX: 600 CC push of Mumbojumbomin and an MRI exam.
DR. BAILEY: Wrong. Are there any interns here who are not on crack?
CHRISTINA: Immediate IV drip of Hogwashacin and a coaxial topography exam?
DR. BAILEY: Wrong again. Did I accidentally come to a third-grade classroom?
DR. HOUSE: I say we kill him. Then we'll see what happens.
CHRISTINA: I think you're in the wrong hospital.
MEREDITH: I had carpal-tunnel syndrome once. It was the same day McDreamy left me to go back to his wife. [Tears well up poignantly.]
DR. BAILEY: George and Meredith, take Mr. Smith to the ICU and have him fitted for an iron lung. Christina, arrange for a surgical consult with Dr. Burke. Alex and Izzy, I need you to clean the utility closet.
IZZY: They always get the good jobs.
ALEX: I've got a job for you, Princess.
IZZY: Ugh.
Scene Two – Outside hospital break room
GEORGE: Say, Meredith, do you think two friends can ever become more than just friends?
MEREDITH: George, could I meet you upstairs in ICU? I've got something else to do.
GEORGE: Okay.
MEREDITH: [to DR. SHEPHERD] So.
DR. SHEPHERD: So.
[They lock eyes for two and a half minutes without saying anything.]
MEREDITH: [breaking the silence] I like vanilla.
DR. SHEPHERD: Me too.
[another four solid minutes of staring at each other.]
MEREDITH: See you.
DR. SHEPHERD: See you. [He turns and walks away.]
MEREDITH: [Cries silently for seven and three-quarters minutes.]
Scene Three – Outside utility closet
ALEX: I sure did enjoy that sex we just had.
IZZY: Yes, even though it's the last time we're ever going to do that.
ALEX: Whatever.
IZZY: I mean, let's do it again.
ALEX: All right!
IZZY: Never mind.
ALEX: Fine, see if I care.
IZZY: Take me now.
Scene Four: Intensive Care Unit
GEORGE: [to unconscious patient] So, Mr. Smith. You must be pretty uncomfortable. Maybe you're in a lot of pain. But we're going to make you better. The surgeons here, they're pretty amazing. World-class, really. It might make you wonder why they're at a dinky little hospital in the Pacific Northwest with what seems like a staff of three other doctors. And they never lose a patient! It's remarkable, really. But not nearly as remarkable as the fact that it never seems to rain here in Seattle. I mean, it even rains on ER, sometimes, and they're in Chicago. [Tenderly washes patient's head and torso.]
But anyway, we're gonna fix you up. And I'll be there to help. I'm not a world-class surgeon yet, but I will be someday. I'm gonna help people like you. I'm going to heal people's pain. Because there's an awful lot of pain out there.There's an awful lot of pain in here, too. But one step at a time.
You're actually lucky, Mr. Smith. Because yours is the kind of pain we can fix. For other kinds of pain...
[Sees MEREDITH coming down the hall]
Even hope doesn't help. It only hurts more.
MEREDITH: [Resolutely weeping]
GEORGE: Meredith? Is everything okay?
MEREDITH: [Through sniffles] I can't find my iPod.
Scene Five: Ambulance bay
[Sirens wail, voices chatter as an ambulance approaches.]
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: We've got a Code Indigo, here!
DR. BAILEY: [into the intercom] Drs. Stevens and Karev, report to triage. [to HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY] what do we have?
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: It's a HGA with a LP and a CAPLAC with a RACTACMACALACADOODLE.
DR. BAILEY: Get him into room two, STAT!
Act Three
Scene One – Room Two
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: This reminds me of that time my mother was a doctor, just before my parents split up but not before she had instilled in me a paralyzing sense of inadequacy.
IZZY: What's going on?
ALEX: What's a Code Indigo?
DR. BAILEY: The patient – a ... Ms. Streisand – was caught in the crossfire of a gang war downtown?
IZZY: Seattle has gangs?
ALEX: What's wrong with her?
DR. BAILEY: She was hit by a flying ninja star in the chest. Her heart was split in half.
IZZY: That sounds impossible!
DR. BAILEY: It probably is!
ALEX: [Confidently] We've got to get her into surgery now. [Suddenly filled with self-doubt] I mean … maybe we should just give her some Advil.
MEREDITH: This reminds me of the time McDreamy left me for his wife and broke my heart.
DR. BAILEY: Where did you come from?
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: [to Meredith] Yo. What's up.
Scene Two – Dr. Burke's office
DR. BURKE: How is your day going?
CHRISTINA: What do you mean by that?
DR. BURKE: Christina, I'm just trying to get close to you.
CHRISTINA: I'm feisty! I'm a strong and independent woman! I don't need anyone's love!
DR. BURKE: Fine. What did you come in here for?
CHRISTINA: It's the guy in the iron lung.
DR. BURKE: Yes, Mr. Smith. I just got out of surgery with him. He's all better now.
CHRISTINA: Yes, I know, but…
DR. BURKE: But what?
CHRISTINA: Now he's trapped in the iron lung.
Scene Three – Surgical operating room, where DR. SHEPHERD is operating on a patient
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Can I talk to you?
DR. SHEPHERD: I'm about to sew this boy's head back on so that he can go back to his little league game and fulfill his single father's dreams of being an athlete while also reaffirming the promise and innocence of youth. Can't this wait?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Derek, our marriage depends on it.
DR. SHEPHERD: [sighs audibly, and steps away from the patient.] What is it, Addison?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: I've seen the way you've been staring at Dr. Grey. I think you're still in love with her.
DR. SHEPHERD: [with sad, puppy dog eyes, momentarily reminding viewers that this beefcakey doctor is the same guy who played "Ronald" in "Can't Buy Me Love"] I ended it with Addison.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Gasps]
DR. SHEPHERD: I mean, Meredith.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Collecting herself] Let's talk about this later.
DR. SHEPHERD: Okay.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Turns to leave] Where's that ice cream?
Scene Four – Outside operating room
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously.
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
[GEORGE enters]
GEORGE: Meredith, I found your iPod.
MEREDITH: I miss McDreamy so much. [Begins sniffling.]
CHRISTINA: Weren't you only with him for like two months?
IZZY: I thought it was more like seven weeks.
MEREDITH: Did I mention that my mom has Alzheimers? [Cries incessantly]
Scene Five – Another operating room
DR. BURKE: Clamp, please. Where is everybody?
ALEX: Clamp. Beats me. They're off ovulating or something.
DR. BURKE: Forceps, please. You've got an attitude problem, Dr. Karev.
ALEX: Forceps. I don't have an attitude problem, Dr. Burke. I was born to be bad.
DR. BURKE: Pruning shears, please. You want to be bad, Dr. Karev, but the truth is, you are mediocre.
ALEX: Pruning shears. I know, I'm not a very good actor.
DR. BURKE: Valve oil, please. No, Dr. Karev, I mean if you're ever going to be a world-class surgeon like me, you've got to be more confident. You've got to know, when you hold a human being's life in your hands, that you are the baddest mother on the planet. You've got to be the surgical version of Shaft.
ALEX: Shaft. [hands Dr. Burke a surgical shaft]
DR. BURKE: No, I'm talking about Shaft.
ANESTHESIOLOGISTS: We can dig it.
[Machines begin beeping urgently]
ORDERLY: Dr. Burke, we're losing her!
DR. BURKE: No, dammit! [Inserts a crescent wrench and gives something a half-turn. The beeping returns to normal.]
ALEX: Is she going to live?
DR. BURKE: Damn right.
Act Four
Scene One – Recovery room
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: There's nothing like the feeling of being there when a patient wakes up, knowing that you helped to bring her back from the brink of death, or knowing that you helped heal her pain, or when you know that there's probably all sorts of paperwork and phone calls that you're supposed to be doing instead, like in a real hospital.
MS. STREISAND: Wha-where am I?
MEREDITH: You're in Seattle Grace Hospital. You're going to be all right.
MS. STREISAND: What happened?
MEREDITH: Someone split your heart in two. [Hands her her chart and a pen, for her signature] Sign this, please.
MS. STREISAND: You mean, literally?
MEREDITH: Well, yes. Tell me, have you ever had your heart broken in two?
MS. STREISAND: Oh, sure. And that hurt more than any … what? A goddamn ninja throwing star? How the hell did that happen?
MEREDITH: If you don't mind me asking, how did you get over it?
MS. STREISAND: Oh, the broken heart? Well, I moped around for a while, but then I met my husband. He's a chief surgical resident over at the University of Washington Medical Center.
MEREDITH: [Sobs uncontrollably, as DR. and MRS. DR. SHEPHERD roll MR. SMITH (in his iron lung) down the hallway. MEREDITH and DR. SHEPHERD share a fleeting look, until he passes out of frame, to reveal HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY]
Scene Two – Hospital break room
CHRISTINA: Dr. Burke.
DR. BURKE: You can call me Preston. It's okay, Christina.
CHRISTINA: No it's not. I'm a professional and you're a professional and we should act like professionals act. Professionally.
DR. BURKE: Okay then, Dr. Yang.
CHRISTINA: But I do want to thank you for asking me how my day was.
DR. BURKE: Oh, really.
CHRISTINA: It was sweet, even if it borders on typical male condescension and patriarchy. Thank you. Dr. Burke.
DR. BURKE. You're welcome, Dr. Yang.
CHRISTINA: I'm having a very nice day.
DR. BURKE: I'm glad to hear it.
CHRISTINA: All right! God, you don't have to get all sappy about it. Can't we just make up by having sex like normal people?
Scene Three – Ambulance bay
DR. SHEPHERD: Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Me too.
DR. SHEPHERD: I didn't mean to say Meredith's name.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I know. I shouldn't have reacted like that.
DR. SHEPHERD: The fact is, she was an important part of my life.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Yes, I recognize that.
DR. SHEPHERD: Even though it started as a one-night stand, and we were only together for about five and a half weeks, and she's entirely self-absorbed and can't seem to stop crying or whining, we became very close.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I understand. You need time, to get her out of your mind.
DR. SHEPHERD: [Sees Meredith pass out of the corner of his eye.] Let's have sex in the utility closet.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Okay.
Scene Four – Outside utility closet
IZZY: I'm strangely drawn to your newfound self-confidence and aloofness.
ALEX: Oh yeah?
IZZY: Well, maybe not so much.
ALEX: I can dig it.
IZZY: [frantically] Why is the utility closet locked?
[DR. BURKE and CHRISTINA enter]
DR. BURKE: Step aside, Karev. Stevens. Dr. Yang and I need to, uh, run a quick inventory.
CHRISTINA: Yes. But not too quick.
DR. BURKE: [Twisting the doorknob] Why is this locked?
[DR. and MRS. DR. SHEPHERD enter]
DR. SHEPHERD: The utility closet is locked?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Dammit.
DR. SHEPHERD: I think Room Two is empty.
[DR. BAILEY and GEORGE enter]
DR. BAILEY: What in the high hell-a-lujah is goin' on in the hall that requires a quorum of the entire Seattle Grace Hospital staff? Do we not have enough sick people around here for all of you to find jobs, or do I need to start handing out gold stars?
GEORGE: I just got here.
DR. BAILEY: You, get a haircut.
[The assorted doctors stand, dumbfounded, when the utility closet door opens. MEREDITH and HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY exit.]
MEREDITH: [awkwardly, to HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY] So, uh, that's where we keep all the gauze.
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: Cool, I've never played doctor with an actual doctor before.
[MEREDITH, DR. SHEPHERD and GEORGE all look crushed. ALEX appears strangely excited. EVERYONE ELSE vomits into nearby trash receptacles.
MEREDITH: Okay. Fine. Yes, I slept with the Ambulance Guy, but…
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: Steve.
MEREDITH: Sorry. Yes, I slept with Steve. But it's only because my heart is broken, and I'm desperate for attention, and I'll whine and complain about anything and sleep with anyone to satisfy my own egotistical urges or to fill the gaping emotional void left by my absentee parents and my runaway vanilla boyfriend. Why can't you people understand that?
DR. BAILEY: Honey, we understand that, but if we did anything about it then we wouldn't have a show. Clean yourself up. And then clean up that utility closet.
MRS. STREISAND: [from inside closet] Can someone please help me get my bra back on?
Scene Five – Montage of the doctors, all going back to work
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: I think, in a way, we all have a ninja star separating the two halves of our heart – the part that wants what we know is good for us, and the part that just wants what we want. And I think, in a way, we are all trapped inside of an iron lung with all our little flaws and foibles, and we're waiting for the right surgeon to pry us out. And I think, in a way, we're all having sad, vacant sex with the hunky ambulance guy in the utility closet. That would explain why it burns when I pee.
GEORGE: [running into MEREDITH in the hallway] Meredith, I just want you to know, that no matter what happens, I'll be by your side. I'll be there to pick you up when you fall, and to lie down with you when you're lonely. Because Meredith, the truth is, I'm in love with you.
MEREDITH: You know what, George? I've been thinking about it, and I think I actually prefer strawberry ice cream. [sheds a single tear and exits toward parking lot] Goodnight.
MR. SMITH: Someone? Anyone? I'm still trapped in here. Please help me.
It is, I suppose, possible that some of you have not actually watched this show. For those of you who have not, this is what you're missing.
Act One
Scene One – The Interns' Apartment
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Sometimes, the earth spins on its axis. Sometimes, when it makes one complete revolution, it's called a "day," and things happen to me. It looks like this is going to be one of those days.
MEREDITH: McDreamy and I had a moment.
IZZY: A moment?
CHRISTINA: What's a moment?
GEORGE: You had what?
CHRISTINA: She said she had a moment.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously. [begins gentle weeping.]
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously.
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously.
MEREDITH: Seriously? [suddenly stops weeping]
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
GEORGE: A moment? What's that mean?
MEREDITH: I can't remember. [resumes gentle weeping]
GEORGE: Maybe you'd like to talk about it over lunch today.
MEREDITH: What are you guys doing for lunch today?
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Yep, it's going to be one of those days.
Scene Two – Seattle Grace Hospital, break room
DR. SHEPHERD/"McDREAMY": We're out of ice cream at home. I'll pick some up after work.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I like chocolate ice cream.
DR. SHEPHERD: I like vanilla ice cream.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Well, I prefer chocolate ice cream.
[MEREDITH enters hallway]
DR. SHEPHERD: [looks wistfully at MEREDITH] Okay, fine, we can get chocolate ice cream.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: How are we ever going to make this marriage work if you won't fight for it?
DR. SHEPHERD: [gaze drifts into middle distance, and he pauses meaningfully] I don't know.
Scene Three – Intern Locker Room
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously. McDreamy likes vanilla. I like vanilla.
IZZY: Vanilla's good.
CHRISTINA: I like chocolate. Vanilla is so boring.
GEORGE: [reassuringly] I like vanilla.
ALEX: [with preternatural cruelty] You are vanilla.
MEREDITH: [eyes tearing up] She stole my vanilla boyfriend!
CHRISTINA: He was married, Meredith.
MEREDITH: [on the verge of hysterical weeping] Hey, you're supposed to be my best friend!
CHRISTINA: Don't be upset just because I'm in a healthy, mature and profoundly rewarding relationship with a successful, kind, attractive, well-adjusted surgeon, despite the fact that I am emotionally closed-off, arbitrarily hostile and full of deep-seated irrational fears of intimacy and trust.
MEREDITH: I have deep-seated irrational fears of intimacy and trust! I want to date a surgeon!
IZZY: I want to date a surgeon, too.
ALEX: [to IZZY] You could date an up-and-coming surgeon right now.
IZZY: Ugh, please.
CHRISTINA: Up-and-coming too quickly, from what I hear.
MEREDITH: [Bawls inconsolably]
Act Two
Scene One – Hospital triage area
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: Sometimes, in a hospital, people get sick. But they never ask, "How sick are the doctors?"
DR. BAILEY: Okay, my little doctor larvae, what is this patient's problem?
GEORGE: Mr. Smith is experiencing heart palpitations, migrane headaches, a wet hacking cough, a bloody nose, elbow tendinitis, carpal-tunnel syndrome, nagging feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, chronic impotence punctuated by six-hour-long periods of acute priapism, and explosive diarrhea.
MEREDITH: Hey, this reminds me of a time when I had explosive diarrhea. It was the same day my parents split up and sent me on my endless search for male validation.
DR. BAILEY: Treatment?
ALEX: 600 CC push of Mumbojumbomin and an MRI exam.
DR. BAILEY: Wrong. Are there any interns here who are not on crack?
CHRISTINA: Immediate IV drip of Hogwashacin and a coaxial topography exam?
DR. BAILEY: Wrong again. Did I accidentally come to a third-grade classroom?
DR. HOUSE: I say we kill him. Then we'll see what happens.
CHRISTINA: I think you're in the wrong hospital.
MEREDITH: I had carpal-tunnel syndrome once. It was the same day McDreamy left me to go back to his wife. [Tears well up poignantly.]
DR. BAILEY: George and Meredith, take Mr. Smith to the ICU and have him fitted for an iron lung. Christina, arrange for a surgical consult with Dr. Burke. Alex and Izzy, I need you to clean the utility closet.
IZZY: They always get the good jobs.
ALEX: I've got a job for you, Princess.
IZZY: Ugh.
Scene Two – Outside hospital break room
GEORGE: Say, Meredith, do you think two friends can ever become more than just friends?
MEREDITH: George, could I meet you upstairs in ICU? I've got something else to do.
GEORGE: Okay.
MEREDITH: [to DR. SHEPHERD] So.
DR. SHEPHERD: So.
[They lock eyes for two and a half minutes without saying anything.]
MEREDITH: [breaking the silence] I like vanilla.
DR. SHEPHERD: Me too.
[another four solid minutes of staring at each other.]
MEREDITH: See you.
DR. SHEPHERD: See you. [He turns and walks away.]
MEREDITH: [Cries silently for seven and three-quarters minutes.]
Scene Three – Outside utility closet
ALEX: I sure did enjoy that sex we just had.
IZZY: Yes, even though it's the last time we're ever going to do that.
ALEX: Whatever.
IZZY: I mean, let's do it again.
ALEX: All right!
IZZY: Never mind.
ALEX: Fine, see if I care.
IZZY: Take me now.
Scene Four: Intensive Care Unit
GEORGE: [to unconscious patient] So, Mr. Smith. You must be pretty uncomfortable. Maybe you're in a lot of pain. But we're going to make you better. The surgeons here, they're pretty amazing. World-class, really. It might make you wonder why they're at a dinky little hospital in the Pacific Northwest with what seems like a staff of three other doctors. And they never lose a patient! It's remarkable, really. But not nearly as remarkable as the fact that it never seems to rain here in Seattle. I mean, it even rains on ER, sometimes, and they're in Chicago. [Tenderly washes patient's head and torso.]
But anyway, we're gonna fix you up. And I'll be there to help. I'm not a world-class surgeon yet, but I will be someday. I'm gonna help people like you. I'm going to heal people's pain. Because there's an awful lot of pain out there.There's an awful lot of pain in here, too. But one step at a time.
You're actually lucky, Mr. Smith. Because yours is the kind of pain we can fix. For other kinds of pain...
[Sees MEREDITH coming down the hall]
Even hope doesn't help. It only hurts more.
MEREDITH: [Resolutely weeping]
GEORGE: Meredith? Is everything okay?
MEREDITH: [Through sniffles] I can't find my iPod.
Scene Five: Ambulance bay
[Sirens wail, voices chatter as an ambulance approaches.]
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: We've got a Code Indigo, here!
DR. BAILEY: [into the intercom] Drs. Stevens and Karev, report to triage. [to HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY] what do we have?
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: It's a HGA with a LP and a CAPLAC with a RACTACMACALACADOODLE.
DR. BAILEY: Get him into room two, STAT!
Act Three
Scene One – Room Two
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: This reminds me of that time my mother was a doctor, just before my parents split up but not before she had instilled in me a paralyzing sense of inadequacy.
IZZY: What's going on?
ALEX: What's a Code Indigo?
DR. BAILEY: The patient – a ... Ms. Streisand – was caught in the crossfire of a gang war downtown?
IZZY: Seattle has gangs?
ALEX: What's wrong with her?
DR. BAILEY: She was hit by a flying ninja star in the chest. Her heart was split in half.
IZZY: That sounds impossible!
DR. BAILEY: It probably is!
ALEX: [Confidently] We've got to get her into surgery now. [Suddenly filled with self-doubt] I mean … maybe we should just give her some Advil.
MEREDITH: This reminds me of the time McDreamy left me for his wife and broke my heart.
DR. BAILEY: Where did you come from?
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: [to Meredith] Yo. What's up.
Scene Two – Dr. Burke's office
DR. BURKE: How is your day going?
CHRISTINA: What do you mean by that?
DR. BURKE: Christina, I'm just trying to get close to you.
CHRISTINA: I'm feisty! I'm a strong and independent woman! I don't need anyone's love!
DR. BURKE: Fine. What did you come in here for?
CHRISTINA: It's the guy in the iron lung.
DR. BURKE: Yes, Mr. Smith. I just got out of surgery with him. He's all better now.
CHRISTINA: Yes, I know, but…
DR. BURKE: But what?
CHRISTINA: Now he's trapped in the iron lung.
Scene Three – Surgical operating room, where DR. SHEPHERD is operating on a patient
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Can I talk to you?
DR. SHEPHERD: I'm about to sew this boy's head back on so that he can go back to his little league game and fulfill his single father's dreams of being an athlete while also reaffirming the promise and innocence of youth. Can't this wait?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Derek, our marriage depends on it.
DR. SHEPHERD: [sighs audibly, and steps away from the patient.] What is it, Addison?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: I've seen the way you've been staring at Dr. Grey. I think you're still in love with her.
DR. SHEPHERD: [with sad, puppy dog eyes, momentarily reminding viewers that this beefcakey doctor is the same guy who played "Ronald" in "Can't Buy Me Love"] I ended it with Addison.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Gasps]
DR. SHEPHERD: I mean, Meredith.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Collecting herself] Let's talk about this later.
DR. SHEPHERD: Okay.
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: [Turns to leave] Where's that ice cream?
Scene Four – Outside operating room
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously.
CHRISTINA: Seriously.
IZZY: Seriously?
MEREDITH: Seriously?
CHRISTINA: Seriously?
[GEORGE enters]
GEORGE: Meredith, I found your iPod.
MEREDITH: I miss McDreamy so much. [Begins sniffling.]
CHRISTINA: Weren't you only with him for like two months?
IZZY: I thought it was more like seven weeks.
MEREDITH: Did I mention that my mom has Alzheimers? [Cries incessantly]
Scene Five – Another operating room
DR. BURKE: Clamp, please. Where is everybody?
ALEX: Clamp. Beats me. They're off ovulating or something.
DR. BURKE: Forceps, please. You've got an attitude problem, Dr. Karev.
ALEX: Forceps. I don't have an attitude problem, Dr. Burke. I was born to be bad.
DR. BURKE: Pruning shears, please. You want to be bad, Dr. Karev, but the truth is, you are mediocre.
ALEX: Pruning shears. I know, I'm not a very good actor.
DR. BURKE: Valve oil, please. No, Dr. Karev, I mean if you're ever going to be a world-class surgeon like me, you've got to be more confident. You've got to know, when you hold a human being's life in your hands, that you are the baddest mother on the planet. You've got to be the surgical version of Shaft.
ALEX: Shaft. [hands Dr. Burke a surgical shaft]
DR. BURKE: No, I'm talking about Shaft.
ANESTHESIOLOGISTS: We can dig it.
[Machines begin beeping urgently]
ORDERLY: Dr. Burke, we're losing her!
DR. BURKE: No, dammit! [Inserts a crescent wrench and gives something a half-turn. The beeping returns to normal.]
ALEX: Is she going to live?
DR. BURKE: Damn right.
Act Four
Scene One – Recovery room
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: There's nothing like the feeling of being there when a patient wakes up, knowing that you helped to bring her back from the brink of death, or knowing that you helped heal her pain, or when you know that there's probably all sorts of paperwork and phone calls that you're supposed to be doing instead, like in a real hospital.
MS. STREISAND: Wha-where am I?
MEREDITH: You're in Seattle Grace Hospital. You're going to be all right.
MS. STREISAND: What happened?
MEREDITH: Someone split your heart in two. [Hands her her chart and a pen, for her signature] Sign this, please.
MS. STREISAND: You mean, literally?
MEREDITH: Well, yes. Tell me, have you ever had your heart broken in two?
MS. STREISAND: Oh, sure. And that hurt more than any … what? A goddamn ninja throwing star? How the hell did that happen?
MEREDITH: If you don't mind me asking, how did you get over it?
MS. STREISAND: Oh, the broken heart? Well, I moped around for a while, but then I met my husband. He's a chief surgical resident over at the University of Washington Medical Center.
MEREDITH: [Sobs uncontrollably, as DR. and MRS. DR. SHEPHERD roll MR. SMITH (in his iron lung) down the hallway. MEREDITH and DR. SHEPHERD share a fleeting look, until he passes out of frame, to reveal HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY]
Scene Two – Hospital break room
CHRISTINA: Dr. Burke.
DR. BURKE: You can call me Preston. It's okay, Christina.
CHRISTINA: No it's not. I'm a professional and you're a professional and we should act like professionals act. Professionally.
DR. BURKE: Okay then, Dr. Yang.
CHRISTINA: But I do want to thank you for asking me how my day was.
DR. BURKE: Oh, really.
CHRISTINA: It was sweet, even if it borders on typical male condescension and patriarchy. Thank you. Dr. Burke.
DR. BURKE. You're welcome, Dr. Yang.
CHRISTINA: I'm having a very nice day.
DR. BURKE: I'm glad to hear it.
CHRISTINA: All right! God, you don't have to get all sappy about it. Can't we just make up by having sex like normal people?
Scene Three – Ambulance bay
DR. SHEPHERD: Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Me too.
DR. SHEPHERD: I didn't mean to say Meredith's name.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I know. I shouldn't have reacted like that.
DR. SHEPHERD: The fact is, she was an important part of my life.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Yes, I recognize that.
DR. SHEPHERD: Even though it started as a one-night stand, and we were only together for about five and a half weeks, and she's entirely self-absorbed and can't seem to stop crying or whining, we became very close.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: I understand. You need time, to get her out of your mind.
DR. SHEPHERD: [Sees Meredith pass out of the corner of his eye.] Let's have sex in the utility closet.
DR. MRS. SHEPHERD: Okay.
Scene Four – Outside utility closet
IZZY: I'm strangely drawn to your newfound self-confidence and aloofness.
ALEX: Oh yeah?
IZZY: Well, maybe not so much.
ALEX: I can dig it.
IZZY: [frantically] Why is the utility closet locked?
[DR. BURKE and CHRISTINA enter]
DR. BURKE: Step aside, Karev. Stevens. Dr. Yang and I need to, uh, run a quick inventory.
CHRISTINA: Yes. But not too quick.
DR. BURKE: [Twisting the doorknob] Why is this locked?
[DR. and MRS. DR. SHEPHERD enter]
DR. SHEPHERD: The utility closet is locked?
MRS. DR. SHEPHERD: Dammit.
DR. SHEPHERD: I think Room Two is empty.
[DR. BAILEY and GEORGE enter]
DR. BAILEY: What in the high hell-a-lujah is goin' on in the hall that requires a quorum of the entire Seattle Grace Hospital staff? Do we not have enough sick people around here for all of you to find jobs, or do I need to start handing out gold stars?
GEORGE: I just got here.
DR. BAILEY: You, get a haircut.
[The assorted doctors stand, dumbfounded, when the utility closet door opens. MEREDITH and HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY exit.]
MEREDITH: [awkwardly, to HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY] So, uh, that's where we keep all the gauze.
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: Cool, I've never played doctor with an actual doctor before.
[MEREDITH, DR. SHEPHERD and GEORGE all look crushed. ALEX appears strangely excited. EVERYONE ELSE vomits into nearby trash receptacles.
MEREDITH: Okay. Fine. Yes, I slept with the Ambulance Guy, but…
HUNKY AMBULANCE GUY: Steve.
MEREDITH: Sorry. Yes, I slept with Steve. But it's only because my heart is broken, and I'm desperate for attention, and I'll whine and complain about anything and sleep with anyone to satisfy my own egotistical urges or to fill the gaping emotional void left by my absentee parents and my runaway vanilla boyfriend. Why can't you people understand that?
DR. BAILEY: Honey, we understand that, but if we did anything about it then we wouldn't have a show. Clean yourself up. And then clean up that utility closet.
MRS. STREISAND: [from inside closet] Can someone please help me get my bra back on?
Scene Five – Montage of the doctors, all going back to work
MEREDITH VOICEOVER: I think, in a way, we all have a ninja star separating the two halves of our heart – the part that wants what we know is good for us, and the part that just wants what we want. And I think, in a way, we are all trapped inside of an iron lung with all our little flaws and foibles, and we're waiting for the right surgeon to pry us out. And I think, in a way, we're all having sad, vacant sex with the hunky ambulance guy in the utility closet. That would explain why it burns when I pee.
GEORGE: [running into MEREDITH in the hallway] Meredith, I just want you to know, that no matter what happens, I'll be by your side. I'll be there to pick you up when you fall, and to lie down with you when you're lonely. Because Meredith, the truth is, I'm in love with you.
MEREDITH: You know what, George? I've been thinking about it, and I think I actually prefer strawberry ice cream. [sheds a single tear and exits toward parking lot] Goodnight.
MR. SMITH: Someone? Anyone? I'm still trapped in here. Please help me.
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Date: 2006-07-10 02:27 pm (UTC)Seriously, funniest lines ever. Well done mate, I applaud you.
aye, matey.
Date: 2006-07-10 04:06 pm (UTC)Re: aye, matey.
Date: 2006-08-08 02:30 am (UTC)