Enchanted Pants Explains It All
Dec. 18th, 2008 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfield"If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold you head high, look it squarely in eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'"
- Ann Landers
Today, I thought I'd dip into the ol' Enchanted Pants mailbag and provide my time-tested advice to troubled, pathetic individuals in need. Unfortunately, I don't have a mailbag. Nobody is asking for my advice. So I'm raiding other people's mailbags instead.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
My cousin, my father’s brother daughter, came to my house last Friday. I do not know her well, and she said she wanted to talk to me. She brought over some papers she found among her own father’s things when he died. These papers prove that I am not my father’s daughter and that he knew this. My father has been dead for ten years, my mother for six; I loved them both dearly. I have been walking around in a daze all weekend. I do not know what to think.
(Dear Mrs. Web)
Dear Father's Daughter:
Let's get the juicy stuff out of the way. Does this mean that your mom had an affair? With your uncle? Is your cousin a total bitch or something? Are you sure she wasn't rehearsing a Shakespeare play?
At any rate, I understand how this news would be staggering. Your reaction is entirely normal. Be careful walking around in that daze, especially if your home is near the train tracks.
Now think about it: salaciousness aside, is this any different than learning that you were adopted? You are indeed your father's daughter -- he raised you, protected you and loved you. He obviously made peace with whatever circumstances brought you into his family. Your mother, whatever role she played in all of this, apparently did her best to build a loving family.
The revelation of such long-held secrets will naturally challenge your faith in people, but do not let it disturb the affectionate memory of your parents. If anything, let their unconditional love be an example of what real family is.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am a 22 year old woman, never married, no children. I work as an adult dancer, and am only working as one as a means to save lots of money while I am in school.
I have been dating a 33 year old man for about 4 months now. He is a wonderful person and I have to say, he is becoming one of my best friends. When we are together, things are very natural and relaxed, and we are always able to laugh together. This is a person who I am sure could love me and I know I could love him. I know we are both eventually interested in settling down and having a family.
I only have one problem. He is in debt. He "owns" his own business, which he started up 2 years ago. It hasn't really caught on, I guess, because he consistently has to borrow money from his parents. He rarely has money to take me out, although he manages every few weeks, so I know he is trying. He does not seem to spend his money on frivolous things, yet he still need to borrow money from his parents quite often, for home repairs and things of that nature. This bothers me for a few reasons.
First, I am 11 years younger than him, yet I have a substantial amount in savings. Granted, I realize my job enables me to make quick cash, but when the subject came up the other day, he mentioned he only has a few hundred dollars to his name. I wonder what this says about his level of responsibility.
When I offered to help him budget, he was not willing to let me help him. I know his business is going through some slow times, but shouldn't he be trying to save and pay off his debts?
I guess my main problem is that I have seen him behave very irresponsibly with money. I am not a gold-digger...I make enough money on my own. But I think he is someone I would like to settle down with and hopefully marry someday. Should I be concerned with his financial situation, and if so, do you have any advice on how to approach the subject and hopefully help him with this problem?
(Ask Dr. Tracy)
Dear Fantasy Woman:
Your boyfriend is a loser.
More specifically, what we have is a 33-year old guy who has not matured to the point where he can survive without an allowance from his parents. We also have a 33-year old guy who is so intellectually and emotionally stunted that he cannot relate to women his own age and has turned to dating sweetly naive 22-year old strippers.
No offense. Give it a few years and a steady job, and you'll be able to smell losers like this from 100 yards away. It won't be long at all before you've matured to the point where you'll feel like you're dating a 16-year old.
Incidentally, you might want to get more details about these "home repairs" he's talking about, and whether they involve extensive "weeding."
You also have to take into account that many of the men you meet on a regular basis are strip club patrons, which is to say totally skeezy scumbags who are led around by their tiny little penises. You may not realize this now, but there are so many guys out there who are handsome, intelligent, funny and don't collect their paycheck in one dollar bills.
Forget helping him with his problem. He sounds more like the ran-off-with-my-car type than the marrying type. I'd dump his sorry ass before he brings another wrinkle to your taut, tanned cheeks. That would send him a message and buy you another few years of blissful relative innocence.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
What is the Federal Reserve System, can you tell me in simple terms? -- Jorn, TX
(Ask Roy)
Dear Jorn:
Okay, so "federal," that means the government of the whole United States, which is the big country to the west, north and east of Texas. Occasionally the "federal" government has to "reserve" certain things of value, so that not just anyone can walk in and take them. To do this "reserving," the "federal" government acts according to a "system" -- a prescribed set of rules and relationships. Simple enough?
Too simple? Okay. Think of the Federal Reserve as the banker in a game of Monopoly, except totally drunk on power. Not only do they control the inflow and outflow of money within the financial system, but they also set the rates and terms for borrowing money while monitoring the total amount of money within the game. When money is so plentiful that inflation rises (and the value of each dollar thereby decreases), they can raise interest rates to encourage saving and reduce the amount of money in the game; when money is so scarce that it threatens deflation, they can lower interest rates to encourage borrowing and spending. They can also just make more money by going out and buying another Monopoly game.
They're never going to lend you money to build that hotel on Baltic Avenue, Jorn. Everyone knows that property is a total shithole.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I have two employees who do not like each other. It is affecting the morale of the other employees who are tired of the conflict. The two employees come to me one at a time "telling" on the other one. It is taking up so much of my time dealing with these two employees and, frankly, I have had it. What can I do? -- Frustrated in Florida
(Workplace Issues)
Dear Frustrated:
I assume you have already considered some of the traditional options, such as mediated arbitrage, sensitivity training and arm wrestling, otherwise you wouldn't be putting this decision in the hands of a total stranger on a fly-by-night Web site.
If these alternatives have all failed or failed the feasability test, and the productivity of the whole office is truly suffering, you're just going to have to fire one of them. This is why they pay you the big cheese, Big Cheese.
So now you have to figure out whom to fire. Consider the following criteria, in this order:
1. general productivity
2. seniority/institutional knowledge
3. willingness to take a pay cut
4. reluctance to litigate
5. pleasantness to have around
6. cleanliness/personal hygiene
7. whether they know about your personal slush fund
8. gams
9. mafia affiliations
10. value to company softball team
If, after all that, they're still neck and neck, have them flip a coin. Whomever picks "tails," fire them for sexual harassment.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
Hi I am 12 and I have a girlfriend that I really like and I want to give her a gift, not something that is to extreme, but something that she will really like. She likes cats, does that help you any?
(ABCs of Life)
Dear Cat Lover Lover:
Yeah, that helps me plenty. Be careful with girls who like cats. They tend to take after the animals themselves, purring in your lap one moment, then suddenly, without warning, they decide they have to do something else and just walk away, apparently forgetting that you ever existed. And when you go to pick them up again, they scratch your heart out and pee on it. Oh, you'll learn.
But you're looking for gift advice, not relationship advice. A former girlfriend of mine -- who, incidentally, loved cats -- gave me the best gift advice ever, and I have subscribed to it ever since: "metals, minerals and gifts from the sea are always in good taste." Maybe a nice amber pendant, or a charming charm bracelet, or a fanciful conch shell from your parents' beach house. Oh, your parents don't have a beach house? Man, have you got a lot to learn about women.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I graduated last spring but still haven’t landed my first accounting job. I’m feeling pretty discouraged and wonder if anything will come along. How can I stay motivated?
(Ask Andy)
Dear Discouraged:
As a prospective accountant, I would think you could simply stay busy filing all your rejection letters, auditing your supply of resume paper or even counting the fleeting seconds of your mercilessly dull existence.
The dearth of accounting jobs is likely due to the economic recession and the drastic efforts of the federal government to redirect billions of dollars to purchase troubled financial assets. Who needs accountants when you're haphazardly flushing money down a giant toilet?
Instead of New York or Washington, you might consider moving to Chicago. I have a feeling they're going to be counting every nickel over there for a while.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am 20 years old and yesterday was the first time I ever heard of Twin Flames. I already am a strong believer because I believe that the woman in my life is my other half, my Twin Flame. We met unexpectedly our freshman year in college, and ever since, we have grown together. I have read many websites about Twin Flames already and all the signs and symptoms are exact. And I read that when Twin Flames meet when they are not ready, they face hard times and stuggle, which is somewhat of a test by God of unconditional love--that was when I knew. We have struggled so much together.
We think the same, spiritually and emotionally, about each other. We have the same thoughts. My heart melts every time I see her and hers the same for me. But these struggles--it is one right after the other, for almost 2 years straight. We have been holding onto fears and our egos, just the things we are to let go of. We have decided to be friends until the time is right, but no other love can compare.
Is there any advice you could give me? I know we should let go of our fears and egos and just let our hearts bring us together and Gods Will. -- Believer
(Ask Antera, Intuitive Advice)
Dear Believer
Heart melting is a serious condition. You should take two aspirin and seek immediate medical attention.
You sound like a deeply sensitive, spiritual person who is deeply connected to your own thoughts and feelings. This is obviously your problem. Take a look around, man. There is more in heaven and Earth than is dreamt of in your little Twin campfire or whatever.
All groups of people -- couples, families, coworkers, mortal enemies -- "meet when they are not ready ... face hard times and stuggle." Just because you and another person face some tough times doesn't make you soulmates. It just makes you human.
What makes a relationship, or more to the point, what makes a relationship work, is mutual affection, appreciation and understanding. You seem to have the affection, and maybe the appreciation, but real understanding requires actual communication. That means talking to each other, not reading spiritual pablum about fire and shit.
You say you care about this person, but everything seems to be about you and your own precious feelings. Stop spending so much time looking for your own reflection and actually take a look at who your partner is. You might not be as in love with what you see, but at least you'll be seeing clearly -- and seeing where you're going.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am bored with the mascara I am using now. I am ready for something new! What should I try?
(Ask the Makeup Diva)
Dear Bored:
Try looking in the mirror and appreciating what you see there, instead of a dull canvas that needs some sort of artificial enhancement. Makeup is nothing more than a product of (The) man's desire to turn your gaping sense of physical insecurity and subconscious demand for external validation into a marketable commodity. Try going without mascara for a while, and maybe you'll notice that people (and men, especially) don't like you for all the shit you put on your face.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?
(Yo, Spencer!)
Dear Hammered:
My guess is that you are made-up. No actual person would ever willfully recount this story, much less seek advice about it from a sun-bleached douchenozzle whose only qualification seems to be an ability to tolerate Heidi Montag for more than 30 consecutive seconds. So I don't feel bad about telling you this.
Let's set aside the fact that you are pretty obviously an alcoholic. It seems clear that this episode was a blaring cosmic signal that you are just too stupid to live, much less reproduce. Not only shouldn't you call him, you should consider checking into a hospital in Germany or something so that scientists can study whatever the hell is wrong with you. Try not to get hit by any buses on the way there.
- Ann Landers
Today, I thought I'd dip into the ol' Enchanted Pants mailbag and provide my time-tested advice to troubled, pathetic individuals in need. Unfortunately, I don't have a mailbag. Nobody is asking for my advice. So I'm raiding other people's mailbags instead.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
My cousin, my father’s brother daughter, came to my house last Friday. I do not know her well, and she said she wanted to talk to me. She brought over some papers she found among her own father’s things when he died. These papers prove that I am not my father’s daughter and that he knew this. My father has been dead for ten years, my mother for six; I loved them both dearly. I have been walking around in a daze all weekend. I do not know what to think.
(Dear Mrs. Web)
Dear Father's Daughter:
Let's get the juicy stuff out of the way. Does this mean that your mom had an affair? With your uncle? Is your cousin a total bitch or something? Are you sure she wasn't rehearsing a Shakespeare play?
At any rate, I understand how this news would be staggering. Your reaction is entirely normal. Be careful walking around in that daze, especially if your home is near the train tracks.
Now think about it: salaciousness aside, is this any different than learning that you were adopted? You are indeed your father's daughter -- he raised you, protected you and loved you. He obviously made peace with whatever circumstances brought you into his family. Your mother, whatever role she played in all of this, apparently did her best to build a loving family.
The revelation of such long-held secrets will naturally challenge your faith in people, but do not let it disturb the affectionate memory of your parents. If anything, let their unconditional love be an example of what real family is.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am a 22 year old woman, never married, no children. I work as an adult dancer, and am only working as one as a means to save lots of money while I am in school.
I have been dating a 33 year old man for about 4 months now. He is a wonderful person and I have to say, he is becoming one of my best friends. When we are together, things are very natural and relaxed, and we are always able to laugh together. This is a person who I am sure could love me and I know I could love him. I know we are both eventually interested in settling down and having a family.
I only have one problem. He is in debt. He "owns" his own business, which he started up 2 years ago. It hasn't really caught on, I guess, because he consistently has to borrow money from his parents. He rarely has money to take me out, although he manages every few weeks, so I know he is trying. He does not seem to spend his money on frivolous things, yet he still need to borrow money from his parents quite often, for home repairs and things of that nature. This bothers me for a few reasons.
First, I am 11 years younger than him, yet I have a substantial amount in savings. Granted, I realize my job enables me to make quick cash, but when the subject came up the other day, he mentioned he only has a few hundred dollars to his name. I wonder what this says about his level of responsibility.
When I offered to help him budget, he was not willing to let me help him. I know his business is going through some slow times, but shouldn't he be trying to save and pay off his debts?
I guess my main problem is that I have seen him behave very irresponsibly with money. I am not a gold-digger...I make enough money on my own. But I think he is someone I would like to settle down with and hopefully marry someday. Should I be concerned with his financial situation, and if so, do you have any advice on how to approach the subject and hopefully help him with this problem?
(Ask Dr. Tracy)
Dear Fantasy Woman:
Your boyfriend is a loser.
More specifically, what we have is a 33-year old guy who has not matured to the point where he can survive without an allowance from his parents. We also have a 33-year old guy who is so intellectually and emotionally stunted that he cannot relate to women his own age and has turned to dating sweetly naive 22-year old strippers.
No offense. Give it a few years and a steady job, and you'll be able to smell losers like this from 100 yards away. It won't be long at all before you've matured to the point where you'll feel like you're dating a 16-year old.
Incidentally, you might want to get more details about these "home repairs" he's talking about, and whether they involve extensive "weeding."
You also have to take into account that many of the men you meet on a regular basis are strip club patrons, which is to say totally skeezy scumbags who are led around by their tiny little penises. You may not realize this now, but there are so many guys out there who are handsome, intelligent, funny and don't collect their paycheck in one dollar bills.
Forget helping him with his problem. He sounds more like the ran-off-with-my-car type than the marrying type. I'd dump his sorry ass before he brings another wrinkle to your taut, tanned cheeks. That would send him a message and buy you another few years of blissful relative innocence.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
What is the Federal Reserve System, can you tell me in simple terms? -- Jorn, TX
(Ask Roy)
Dear Jorn:
Okay, so "federal," that means the government of the whole United States, which is the big country to the west, north and east of Texas. Occasionally the "federal" government has to "reserve" certain things of value, so that not just anyone can walk in and take them. To do this "reserving," the "federal" government acts according to a "system" -- a prescribed set of rules and relationships. Simple enough?
Too simple? Okay. Think of the Federal Reserve as the banker in a game of Monopoly, except totally drunk on power. Not only do they control the inflow and outflow of money within the financial system, but they also set the rates and terms for borrowing money while monitoring the total amount of money within the game. When money is so plentiful that inflation rises (and the value of each dollar thereby decreases), they can raise interest rates to encourage saving and reduce the amount of money in the game; when money is so scarce that it threatens deflation, they can lower interest rates to encourage borrowing and spending. They can also just make more money by going out and buying another Monopoly game.
They're never going to lend you money to build that hotel on Baltic Avenue, Jorn. Everyone knows that property is a total shithole.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I have two employees who do not like each other. It is affecting the morale of the other employees who are tired of the conflict. The two employees come to me one at a time "telling" on the other one. It is taking up so much of my time dealing with these two employees and, frankly, I have had it. What can I do? -- Frustrated in Florida
(Workplace Issues)
Dear Frustrated:
I assume you have already considered some of the traditional options, such as mediated arbitrage, sensitivity training and arm wrestling, otherwise you wouldn't be putting this decision in the hands of a total stranger on a fly-by-night Web site.
If these alternatives have all failed or failed the feasability test, and the productivity of the whole office is truly suffering, you're just going to have to fire one of them. This is why they pay you the big cheese, Big Cheese.
So now you have to figure out whom to fire. Consider the following criteria, in this order:
1. general productivity
2. seniority/institutional knowledge
3. willingness to take a pay cut
4. reluctance to litigate
5. pleasantness to have around
6. cleanliness/personal hygiene
7. whether they know about your personal slush fund
8. gams
9. mafia affiliations
10. value to company softball team
If, after all that, they're still neck and neck, have them flip a coin. Whomever picks "tails," fire them for sexual harassment.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
Hi I am 12 and I have a girlfriend that I really like and I want to give her a gift, not something that is to extreme, but something that she will really like. She likes cats, does that help you any?
(ABCs of Life)
Dear Cat Lover Lover:
Yeah, that helps me plenty. Be careful with girls who like cats. They tend to take after the animals themselves, purring in your lap one moment, then suddenly, without warning, they decide they have to do something else and just walk away, apparently forgetting that you ever existed. And when you go to pick them up again, they scratch your heart out and pee on it. Oh, you'll learn.
But you're looking for gift advice, not relationship advice. A former girlfriend of mine -- who, incidentally, loved cats -- gave me the best gift advice ever, and I have subscribed to it ever since: "metals, minerals and gifts from the sea are always in good taste." Maybe a nice amber pendant, or a charming charm bracelet, or a fanciful conch shell from your parents' beach house. Oh, your parents don't have a beach house? Man, have you got a lot to learn about women.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I graduated last spring but still haven’t landed my first accounting job. I’m feeling pretty discouraged and wonder if anything will come along. How can I stay motivated?
(Ask Andy)
Dear Discouraged:
As a prospective accountant, I would think you could simply stay busy filing all your rejection letters, auditing your supply of resume paper or even counting the fleeting seconds of your mercilessly dull existence.
The dearth of accounting jobs is likely due to the economic recession and the drastic efforts of the federal government to redirect billions of dollars to purchase troubled financial assets. Who needs accountants when you're haphazardly flushing money down a giant toilet?
Instead of New York or Washington, you might consider moving to Chicago. I have a feeling they're going to be counting every nickel over there for a while.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am 20 years old and yesterday was the first time I ever heard of Twin Flames. I already am a strong believer because I believe that the woman in my life is my other half, my Twin Flame. We met unexpectedly our freshman year in college, and ever since, we have grown together. I have read many websites about Twin Flames already and all the signs and symptoms are exact. And I read that when Twin Flames meet when they are not ready, they face hard times and stuggle, which is somewhat of a test by God of unconditional love--that was when I knew. We have struggled so much together.
We think the same, spiritually and emotionally, about each other. We have the same thoughts. My heart melts every time I see her and hers the same for me. But these struggles--it is one right after the other, for almost 2 years straight. We have been holding onto fears and our egos, just the things we are to let go of. We have decided to be friends until the time is right, but no other love can compare.
Is there any advice you could give me? I know we should let go of our fears and egos and just let our hearts bring us together and Gods Will. -- Believer
(Ask Antera, Intuitive Advice)
Dear Believer
Heart melting is a serious condition. You should take two aspirin and seek immediate medical attention.
You sound like a deeply sensitive, spiritual person who is deeply connected to your own thoughts and feelings. This is obviously your problem. Take a look around, man. There is more in heaven and Earth than is dreamt of in your little Twin campfire or whatever.
All groups of people -- couples, families, coworkers, mortal enemies -- "meet when they are not ready ... face hard times and stuggle." Just because you and another person face some tough times doesn't make you soulmates. It just makes you human.
What makes a relationship, or more to the point, what makes a relationship work, is mutual affection, appreciation and understanding. You seem to have the affection, and maybe the appreciation, but real understanding requires actual communication. That means talking to each other, not reading spiritual pablum about fire and shit.
You say you care about this person, but everything seems to be about you and your own precious feelings. Stop spending so much time looking for your own reflection and actually take a look at who your partner is. You might not be as in love with what you see, but at least you'll be seeing clearly -- and seeing where you're going.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I am bored with the mascara I am using now. I am ready for something new! What should I try?
(Ask the Makeup Diva)
Dear Bored:
Try looking in the mirror and appreciating what you see there, instead of a dull canvas that needs some sort of artificial enhancement. Makeup is nothing more than a product of (The) man's desire to turn your gaping sense of physical insecurity and subconscious demand for external validation into a marketable commodity. Try going without mascara for a while, and maybe you'll notice that people (and men, especially) don't like you for all the shit you put on your face.
Dear Enchanted Pants:
I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?
(Yo, Spencer!)
Dear Hammered:
My guess is that you are made-up. No actual person would ever willfully recount this story, much less seek advice about it from a sun-bleached douchenozzle whose only qualification seems to be an ability to tolerate Heidi Montag for more than 30 consecutive seconds. So I don't feel bad about telling you this.
Let's set aside the fact that you are pretty obviously an alcoholic. It seems clear that this episode was a blaring cosmic signal that you are just too stupid to live, much less reproduce. Not only shouldn't you call him, you should consider checking into a hospital in Germany or something so that scientists can study whatever the hell is wrong with you. Try not to get hit by any buses on the way there.
