Animal Crackers
Aug. 4th, 2008 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfield"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
- W. C. Fields
This past weekend, J. and I went to the Zoo. I always feel a little weird about going to the zoo, and not just because of the disorienting combo stench of feces and body odor. It's mainly because zoos are so blatantly voyeuristic.
The zoo is like an old age home, except you can see through all the walls; inside every room is a helpless, unkempt, barely sentient being trying desperately to retain its dignity while it waits for dorky, underpaid authority figures to deliver the next meal and perhaps give a pat on the head. And we spectators ooh and ahh over disgusting trivialities like bowel movements, mating calls and other manifestations of the peculiar paranoia we patrons inspire.
The experience inspires sobering thoughts about the turning of the tables -- what if we humans were behind the cages for the recreation of our fellow animals. Looking around my fellow zoo-going population, I saw a number of species whose behavior deserves scientific observation:
Tourist Photographer
Fannipachus Kodakia
Standard activity: Usually travel in packs with offspring (or "tourist larvae") ... tend to gather near areas of hype ... characterized by great excitement, tempered with nagging dissatisfaction
Commonly found in: The Great Panda house
Identified by: Incessant clicking, whirring, flash-bulbing
Typical vocalizations "Say cheese!"
Sneaky Child
Weasellium Diminutii
Standard activity: thrill-seeking species intent on absorbing stimuli ... utilize their small size to navigate small spaces between the bodies and legs of larger animals to increase proximity to target ... subsist on concentrated quantities of sugar and salt
Commonly found in: Everywhere; there may be one underneath you right now
Identified by: Weaving, wriggling, squirming, general stickiness
Typical vocalizations "Mommieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Exhibitionist Teenager
Skankemup Disturbus
Standard activity: Travel in small groups ... dressed scantily to advertise fertility and availability to possible mates ... virtually all activity classified as "pre-coital"
Commonly found in: Snack bar
Identified by: Fresh tattoos
Typical vocalizations "Wooooot!"
Slowly Expiring Senior Citizens
Corpusaurus Matlockisaw
Standard activity: Actual activity minimal ... maintains symbiotic relationship with caretakers, usually family, wherein motilization and sustenance is exchanged for folksy wisdom ... particularly sensitive to heat, time, air
Commonly found in: Wheeled exoskeletal apparatus
Identified by: Liver spots, occasional snoring
Typical vocalizations "What?"
Disenchanted Ice Cream Vendors
Ironica Goodhumorous
Standard activity: Primary objective is to hoard cold and sugary treats, which are then exchanged for money ... secondary objective is to text message salacious gossip about coworkers and classmates while patrons shuffle in line ... keenly attuned to time of day, particularly toward the end of shift
Commonly found in: Key pedestrian traffic points, especially in areas with minimal shade
Identified by: Uniforms and hats; directionless angst
Typical vocalizations "six dollars."
Detatched Neurotic Observer
Pantalones Enchanteri
Standard activity: Smug judgment of innocent and unsuspecting strangers ... whining about heat, smell, lines ... inability to see what the big deal is about watching bears eat tree branches
Commonly found in: Air-conditioned gift shops
Identified by: Daydreaming, sweating, snarky one-liners
Typical vocalizations "Who farted?"
- W. C. Fields
This past weekend, J. and I went to the Zoo. I always feel a little weird about going to the zoo, and not just because of the disorienting combo stench of feces and body odor. It's mainly because zoos are so blatantly voyeuristic.
The zoo is like an old age home, except you can see through all the walls; inside every room is a helpless, unkempt, barely sentient being trying desperately to retain its dignity while it waits for dorky, underpaid authority figures to deliver the next meal and perhaps give a pat on the head. And we spectators ooh and ahh over disgusting trivialities like bowel movements, mating calls and other manifestations of the peculiar paranoia we patrons inspire.
The experience inspires sobering thoughts about the turning of the tables -- what if we humans were behind the cages for the recreation of our fellow animals. Looking around my fellow zoo-going population, I saw a number of species whose behavior deserves scientific observation:
Tourist Photographer
Fannipachus Kodakia
Standard activity: Usually travel in packs with offspring (or "tourist larvae") ... tend to gather near areas of hype ... characterized by great excitement, tempered with nagging dissatisfaction
Commonly found in: The Great Panda house
Identified by: Incessant clicking, whirring, flash-bulbing
Typical vocalizations "Say cheese!"
Sneaky Child
Weasellium Diminutii
Standard activity: thrill-seeking species intent on absorbing stimuli ... utilize their small size to navigate small spaces between the bodies and legs of larger animals to increase proximity to target ... subsist on concentrated quantities of sugar and salt
Commonly found in: Everywhere; there may be one underneath you right now
Identified by: Weaving, wriggling, squirming, general stickiness
Typical vocalizations "Mommieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Exhibitionist Teenager
Skankemup Disturbus
Standard activity: Travel in small groups ... dressed scantily to advertise fertility and availability to possible mates ... virtually all activity classified as "pre-coital"
Commonly found in: Snack bar
Identified by: Fresh tattoos
Typical vocalizations "Wooooot!"
Slowly Expiring Senior Citizens
Corpusaurus Matlockisaw
Standard activity: Actual activity minimal ... maintains symbiotic relationship with caretakers, usually family, wherein motilization and sustenance is exchanged for folksy wisdom ... particularly sensitive to heat, time, air
Commonly found in: Wheeled exoskeletal apparatus
Identified by: Liver spots, occasional snoring
Typical vocalizations "What?"
Disenchanted Ice Cream Vendors
Ironica Goodhumorous
Standard activity: Primary objective is to hoard cold and sugary treats, which are then exchanged for money ... secondary objective is to text message salacious gossip about coworkers and classmates while patrons shuffle in line ... keenly attuned to time of day, particularly toward the end of shift
Commonly found in: Key pedestrian traffic points, especially in areas with minimal shade
Identified by: Uniforms and hats; directionless angst
Typical vocalizations "six dollars."
Detatched Neurotic Observer
Pantalones Enchanteri
Standard activity: Smug judgment of innocent and unsuspecting strangers ... whining about heat, smell, lines ... inability to see what the big deal is about watching bears eat tree branches
Commonly found in: Air-conditioned gift shops
Identified by: Daydreaming, sweating, snarky one-liners
Typical vocalizations "Who farted?"
