penfield | Consider the beast unleashed (Reply)

Last week, on my way into work, a young white male with enthusiastically unkempt hair handed me a freezing cold 16 oz. can of something called "Monster Energy," in a black and neon-green can that looked like it was designed by Stephen King. Of course, I accepted it, because the can was freezing cold and it was already 92 degrees, and because I always accept free items from strangers.

Immediately I was intrigued, because it doesn't call itself an "energy drink," despite its standard pop-top packaging. No, it is "Monster Energy," leaving me curious as to its origin, composition and possible non-thirst-quenching applications.

Seeking answers to my questions, I examined the can. Along one side was written the following free-verse ode:

Tear into a can of the meanest
energy supplement on the
planet, MONSTER energy.

We went down to the lab
and cooked up a double shot of
our killer energy brew.

It's a wicked mega hit that
delivers twice the buzz
of a regular energy drink.*

The MONSTER packs a vicious
punch but has a smooth flavor
you can really pound down.*

Unleash the beast!

and, at the bottom, in a small text box,

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*THESE STATEMENTS HAVE NOT BEEN EVALUATED BY THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, CURE OR PREVENT ANY DISEASE.
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Last things first, is the FDA ever going to get around to validating Monster Energy's claim that it delivers twice the buzz of a regular energy drink? I wonder, for the sake of comparison, what is Red Bull's B.U.O. (Buzz Unit Output)?

And I realize that pretty much all disclaimers like this are inherently stupid because they are essentially directed at stupid people. But are there really people out there dumb enough to purchase a beverage in the hopes that it will diagnose some miscellaneous disease, much less a beverage called "Monster Energy?" This would be a much louder indictment of our nation's health system than whatever infotainment Michael Moore is peddling.

And if you're just going to refute these morons' misapprehensions with a little disclaimer, why not really make the most of it? They should just come out and say that Monster Energy alleviates genital warts, which I imagine would be right in their demographic wheelhouse.

As if to support the idea that this is a drink aimed at idiots, all evidence suggests that this is a product for guys. The black can is a dead giveaway; guys love the color black.* Meanwhile, Women would not accept anything coming out of a black can unless you are referring to whatever pop psychobabble Oprah is pulling out of her ass.

Also, let's take a look at some randomly selected words: Tear. Killer. Shot. Hit. Punch. Pound. These are violent, aggressive, distinctly male words. There is not a single mention of "Feelings," "Understanding" or "Menstruation." This drink is basically professional wrestling in a can.

And then, suddenly, as if to distance itself from the Jackass crowd, it lists along the lip of the can, "Carnetine + Taurine + Ginseng + B Vitamins," which looks like something out of my 8^th grade chemistry class. Perhaps this is to convince the intellectually post-pubescent Neanderthal market that what they are drinking is somehow healthy, when in fact it is less nutritious than a Flintstones vitamin, with 1,000 times the sugar.

Nevertheless, I was still intrigued by this gleaming idol, this super-chilled embodiment of pure, uncut radical!-ism. So I went to the Monster Energy Web page. It is host to a strange mixture of marketing strategies: There is a promotional tie-in to the angry, headbanging Ozzfest fan; a strategic partnership with extreme action sports, dressed up as referred to as the "Monster Army," some sort of rogue paramilitary organization for unnaturally sweaty youth; and for the nerds, the ongoing conceit that the manufacture of this product actually involves science in a laboratory, with flasks and beakers and shit. Even "The Breakfast Club" did not attempt such far-flung crossover appeal.

I actually really admired it. Not just the ambition, but the relaxed audacity with which it has been executed. I wanted to test their commitment. So I found the customer service portal on the Web site and submitted the following:

Dear Monster Energy Drink Contact:

I was handed your product on my way to work this morning, and I am intrigued by its provocative packaging and its promise of "a vicious punch" that I can "really pound down." I am just reading the can, and I already want to smash things! But first I have a number of questions:

1) It appears that you were quite deliberate in avoiding the words "drink" or "beverage" with your product. This makes me curious as to the other applications of "Monster Energy." Could I fuel an actual Monster Truck with it? Could I rub it on certain body parts for maximum performance? Could the world use it to solve the looming energy crisis brought about by our global reliance on fossil fuels? I think you may really be on to something here.

2) I have a meeting in a few hours with my boss and several associates. Will "Monster Energy" provide me with so much energy that I might wound these individuals with my already-firm handshake? Should I go out and buy some more Monster Energy for the meeting, just so it "balances the equation"?

3) If I drink enough Monster Energy, will it turn me into a monster? And I'm not just talking about the crazed, hulking behemoth kind of monster, but also the emotionally stunted, verbally abusive, broken alcoholic kind of monster like the Jerry Stiller character in "King of Queens."

4) I notice that your web site describes the flavor as "smooth kick-ass flavor" while the can I received simply describes it as "smooth flavor." Has the kick-ass variety been pulled off the market? Or was this simply a matter of removing the word "ass" from the can?

5) Your production process sounds very scientific. Where is your laboratory located? Is it certified by the American Academy of Sciences? I am interested in learning about the academic study that has gone into the creation of such a groundbreaking energy supplement. Please list the names of your research and development team, along with their advance degrees and special areas of expertise.

6) Let's say that I enjoy Monster Energy so much that I would want to join your marketing and distribution team. Is there a monthly stipend for hair gel?

Twenty-four hours later, I received the following e-mail from "Monster Energy Info:"

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Thanks for visiting the Monster website and taking the time to write!

Wow, your compliments are awesome! It is great to hear that you love the MONSTER! (It is the meanest brew on the planet, afterall)...

I am sending a little package of Monster goodies your way so keep an eye out!

Take care, and keep drinkin' those Monsters...
Monster Maven"

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My suspicion is that this was either an automated reply, designed to respond with a certain prefabricated message based on key words in the text, or the customer service representative has been severely overindulging in his product. Not only did they not answer my questions, it looks as if they were reading entirely different questions.

They did follow through on their promise, though. Yesterday I received a letter in the mail (see below) and two coupons for a free 16 oz. can of Monster Energy (Lo-Carb, Khaos or Assault. Apparently they did find a way to get "ass" in there).

Speaking of ass, I finally took it from the fridge and tried it this morning. I'm not an ax-grinding motocross geek or anything, but I'd say it tastes like pure adrenaline. Mixed with Mountain Dew. Sweetened with cotton candy. And filtered through a freshly used jock strap.

On the bright side, I spilled a little on my desk and it appears to be quite useful as a varnish remover. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but my pee now glows in the dark.

Letter from Monster