The Evolution of Elocution
Dec. 6th, 2005 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfieldIt's one of those phrases that seemed to have become idomatic without ever being widely used or sincerely literal. Maybe I'm too young to remember a time when "The check's in the mail" was an effective device for fending off creditors, but to me it has always represented a glib, sarcastic reference to obviously dishonest speech. More specifically, it is often used to get someone off your back. Example:
REPORTER: Congressman DeLay! How do you explain the millions of dollars in lobbyist contributions that ended up in your personal accounts?
CONGRESSMAN TOM DELAY: That money will be repaid to my campaign treasury. The check's in the mail. And the Democrats are stealing my mail, and burning my mail, and killing puppies. We need a tax cut.
Anyway, in recent years I've been thinking that the phrase should be updated. Not that people aren't still struggling to keep up with their debts, but there are so many ways to exact payment for services that "the check's in the mail" has lost some of its relevance. Besides, we need something that resonates with today's working Americans. At first, I was going to suggest "I'll give you doubles." We hear this all the time when someone else is taking a cool picture while we forgot our camera. They promise us doubles, but we never get any doubles. Has anyone ever received doubles?
But here's one that's even better: "I'll be working from home." Yeah, right. Nobody works at home. Maybe they check their e-mail. But you just know that they're sitting in their pajamas eating ice cream straight out of the pint at 2:30 in the afternoon between Ellen and Oprah. My coworkers say "I'll be working from home" all the time, and I'd love to sneak a gander at their timesheets to see just how much of liberty these slackers are taking.
I don't work from home. I have taken great pains to avoid fax machines, Blackberry service and a high-speed Internet connection in my home, because this would only invite work assignments after-hours. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on the era that turns "I'll be working from home" into widely-observed code for "I'll be sitting on my ass playing video games."
Let's see if we can't be the generation to turn utter laziness into an enduring part of our social lexicon. Next time you're caught in a tight spot, give 'em the old "I'll be working from home." The boss needs a report that's overdue? Husband wondering where you were all night? FBI investigating your gynecology license? You know what to say.
REPORTER: Congressman DeLay! How do you explain the millions of dollars in lobbyist contributions that ended up in your personal accounts?
CONGRESSMAN TOM DELAY: That money will be repaid to my campaign treasury. The check's in the mail. And the Democrats are stealing my mail, and burning my mail, and killing puppies. We need a tax cut.
Anyway, in recent years I've been thinking that the phrase should be updated. Not that people aren't still struggling to keep up with their debts, but there are so many ways to exact payment for services that "the check's in the mail" has lost some of its relevance. Besides, we need something that resonates with today's working Americans. At first, I was going to suggest "I'll give you doubles." We hear this all the time when someone else is taking a cool picture while we forgot our camera. They promise us doubles, but we never get any doubles. Has anyone ever received doubles?
But here's one that's even better: "I'll be working from home." Yeah, right. Nobody works at home. Maybe they check their e-mail. But you just know that they're sitting in their pajamas eating ice cream straight out of the pint at 2:30 in the afternoon between Ellen and Oprah. My coworkers say "I'll be working from home" all the time, and I'd love to sneak a gander at their timesheets to see just how much of liberty these slackers are taking.
I don't work from home. I have taken great pains to avoid fax machines, Blackberry service and a high-speed Internet connection in my home, because this would only invite work assignments after-hours. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on the era that turns "I'll be working from home" into widely-observed code for "I'll be sitting on my ass playing video games."
Let's see if we can't be the generation to turn utter laziness into an enduring part of our social lexicon. Next time you're caught in a tight spot, give 'em the old "I'll be working from home." The boss needs a report that's overdue? Husband wondering where you were all night? FBI investigating your gynecology license? You know what to say.
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Workin' hard?
Date: 2005-12-06 11:15 pm (UTC)Cliche touche
Date: 2005-12-07 02:32 am (UTC)"That's how the cookie crumbles." With the invention of softbatch and bite-sized cookie snacks, crumbling cookies are thing of the past. Replace with: "That's how the seven-grain-whole-wheat-banana-nut-prune muffin crumbles."
"Best thing since sliced bread." Certainly there have been more exciting inventions since sliced bread. The car, the heart-lung machine and the "Clapper" come immediately to mind. Replace with: "Best thing since Reebok Pump sneakers."
"There is a light at the end of the tunnel." OK, lights have been installed in tunnels for years. No more driving through dark tunnels toward the light at the end. What you're trying to say is that no matter how bad things seem right now, the end is in sight. Replace with: "There's a Starbucks one block up."
"All good things come to those who wait." This one just isn't true. Ask anyone who's tried to buy something on ebay. Replace with: "Push and shove until you get what you want instantly. Accept nothing less."
"No news is good news." In the age of instant communication, this is just simply no longer the case either. If you haven't heard from someone, you can rest assured their cellphone, blackberry and laptop were all incinerated in a lethal house fire. Replace with "...to page this person, press five now or press pound for more options. To leave a message, simply wait for the tone."
"Some day my ship will come in." With the latest in port security, your ship may come in, but whomever or whatever you're waiting for on that ship will likely get delayed in customs. Replace with: "Better late than never." Oh wait, that's a cliche already. Dammit.
"It's always darkest before the dawn." Light pollution has all but eliminated this ubertruth. Say this to an uban kid and he or she wil have no idea what you're talking about. What you're really trying to say is that things are always at their worst before they get better. Replace with these four little words: "Star Wars Episode II."
"There's no such thing as a free lunch" OK, I'll give you this one. So long as human beings eat a midday meal, this cliche will remain forever true.
Doubles
Date: 2005-12-07 02:46 pm (UTC)As someone who has regularly given you doubles of all enchanted_pants-related events that I have pictorially documented, I am offended at the notion that no one has given you doubles. On July 4th, in fact, you were uninterested when TGM & I dropped off doubles of our tubing trip. They're probably still sitting on the picnic table by the grill.
In today's age of photo-sharing, of course, buying doubles for someone is less neccessary. For instance, TGM & I regularly direct you to Snapfish to view our photos. If you like one, there's no need for us to buy one for you -- you can buy it yourself for only 12 cents!
Next, let's look at the phrase "That's the best thing since sliced bread." It's long been my assertion that although sliced bread was a great invention by whomever it was who invented it, it was bound to be discovered on its own later. That is, it is unlikely that centuries later we'd still be making sandwiches with whole loaves of bread because we haven't figured out that cutting slices makes it easier to eat. Someone would have figured that out.
A straight man
Date: 2005-12-07 07:38 pm (UTC)Re: Doubles
Date: 2005-12-07 08:31 pm (UTC)Re: Doubles
Date: 2005-12-08 05:18 am (UTC)Validation
Date: 2005-12-08 02:16 pm (UTC)