Anything beats 'the Wiz.'

Congratulations to the Washington Wizards, our local professional basketball franchise, on a fine season. As you may know, the team earned a berth to the second round of the playoffs this year, ending a 25-year streak of totally sucking ass. (They were ultimately waxed by the Miami Heat, of course, which only goes to prove that, five years later, Florida is still totally fucking up our nation's capital.)

Still, I think I liked the Wizards better when they were named the Bullets. Sure, "Bullets" was an unfortunate moniker for the metropolitan area with a significant drive-by homicide problem. But "The Wizards" is a little too much Dungeons & Dragons for my taste. Presumably, a Wizards-Orlando Magic matchup would be like a geek's wet dream.

From the "What Was I Thinking (and What Was I Thinking With)?" Department

This message brought to you by "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic," appearing Tuesday nights at 9:00 on UPN:

You should never say that something makes you "nauseous." To be nauseous means to engender nausea. To wit:

WRONG: "Kevin's facial hair makes me nauseous."

RIGHT: "Kevin's facial hair is nauseous."

EVEN MORE RIGHT: "Kevin's facial hair looks like caterpillar feces."

If you want to say that you are feeling nausea, you would say you are "nauseated," i.e., "I am so nauseated by this show that I have to go outside and puke on my lawn for about three hours."

Cryptic Observation of the Moment

If there's one thing I've learned: Even when a person wins the lottery, you can't force them to cash the check.

I get my sense of humor from my mother's side.

Maybe you had to be there. Or maybe you just have to know him.

Dad: There's nothing on TV anymore anyway. Except crap.

Me: It is pretty bad.

Dad: Like that stupid show, "I Love Raymond."

Mom (correcting him): "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Dad: Yeah, well, not me.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm willing to learn.

My name is Jason.

This may come as news to some of you. I originally conceived this LiveJournal as a space for my private, personal and most vouchsafed thoughts, by which I mean a place where I could post long and meandering essays and badmouth (or goodmouth) people under the cozy blanket of anonymity. For a time, this "secret stash" existed in parallel with my original Web site, The Jason Hammersla Files, which exposes me so publicly that I sometimes experience "shy bladder" even when I am by myself.

Since then, my increased facility with LiveJournal technology and the unavoidable redundancy of audiences have rendered separate sites unnecessary and, frankly, a pain in the ass. It is now my plan to integrate the two sites, with this journal serving as what was previously called the "Bulletin Board." Perhaps this is the beginning of a greater evolution of my Internet presence, harkening renovations of other pages in the 'Files that are woefully out of date. Then again, perhaps I'll devote my free time to more productive pursuits like origami or skeet shooting. You never can tell what I'll be up to next.

In any case: thank you for bearing with me during this transition, and I am obliged for your continuing support.