Sympathy for the Devil
Aug. 11th, 2008 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
penfield"Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."
- Elbert Hubbard
One of the many things I've learned from living with my girlfriend -- in addition to rudimentary dusting and the value of a good potato -- is that I am "difficult." My parents probably tried to tell me that as well, but being difficult I apparently wouldn't listen.
What I call "keeping the conversation interesting," J. calls "fighting." Whereas I imagine these sharp exchanges as "witty repartee," a la David and Maddie in Moonlighting or Sam and Diane in Cheers, she bemoans them as "bickering." What I think of as thoughtful criticism, she sees as "a systematic attempt to erode her self-worth and crush her soul."
Okay, I made that last part up. I was just trying to advance the argument, bringing the point and counterpoint into stark contrast through exaggeration. Which is exactly the kind of thing that drives J. directly up a wall. And I'll admit now that she is totally correct. I have a habit of playing the devil's advocate and doggedly pursuing the opposite position, even when it constitutes personal anathema.
For example: I know we have to keep our bathroom clean. Obviously. There is no excuse for allowing mold and mildew to build up in our shower to the point where the bacteria are forming technologically advanced societies. But when J. suggests that maybe we should clean it, I can't help but consider the alternative, that if we just let it go for a few more weeks, not only would we have time to take a nap, we might even be able to write off those burgeoning organisms as dependents for tax purposes.
I'm not sure where I picked up this tendency. I wasn't a particularly defiant child, nor were my parents naturally confrontational. However, my folks did have different personalities, perspectives and philosophies with regard to many issues, and perhaps from their debates I developed an appreciation for a good, constructive argument.
I suppose this is the sort of skill that would come in handy as a lawyer, though I never seriously entertained that idea but for five minutes five years ago. (A five minutes that my mother still remembers, naturally. Give it up, Mom. It's not going to happen.)
But I think it did serve me well as a college journalist -- which required both objectivity and a full understanding of the issues. When I went out into the working world as a communications flack, my rhetorical flexibility gave me the freedom to work anywhere (within reason) and helped me to predict where the next attack was coming from.
Of course, I also bring this reflex home at the end of the day. And if you keep treating someone like an opponent, eventually they really do feel like one. I am difficult. But relationships are difficult. I am still learning how to be a good boyfriend. Like anyone else, I have to tame my deconstructive tendencies in favor of a kinder, gentler 'Pants. Most importantly, I must remember that a good partnership requires sympathy, understanding and unconditional support. And a clean bathroom.
- Elbert Hubbard
One of the many things I've learned from living with my girlfriend -- in addition to rudimentary dusting and the value of a good potato -- is that I am "difficult." My parents probably tried to tell me that as well, but being difficult I apparently wouldn't listen.
What I call "keeping the conversation interesting," J. calls "fighting." Whereas I imagine these sharp exchanges as "witty repartee," a la David and Maddie in Moonlighting or Sam and Diane in Cheers, she bemoans them as "bickering." What I think of as thoughtful criticism, she sees as "a systematic attempt to erode her self-worth and crush her soul."
Okay, I made that last part up. I was just trying to advance the argument, bringing the point and counterpoint into stark contrast through exaggeration. Which is exactly the kind of thing that drives J. directly up a wall. And I'll admit now that she is totally correct. I have a habit of playing the devil's advocate and doggedly pursuing the opposite position, even when it constitutes personal anathema.
For example: I know we have to keep our bathroom clean. Obviously. There is no excuse for allowing mold and mildew to build up in our shower to the point where the bacteria are forming technologically advanced societies. But when J. suggests that maybe we should clean it, I can't help but consider the alternative, that if we just let it go for a few more weeks, not only would we have time to take a nap, we might even be able to write off those burgeoning organisms as dependents for tax purposes.
I'm not sure where I picked up this tendency. I wasn't a particularly defiant child, nor were my parents naturally confrontational. However, my folks did have different personalities, perspectives and philosophies with regard to many issues, and perhaps from their debates I developed an appreciation for a good, constructive argument.
I suppose this is the sort of skill that would come in handy as a lawyer, though I never seriously entertained that idea but for five minutes five years ago. (A five minutes that my mother still remembers, naturally. Give it up, Mom. It's not going to happen.)
But I think it did serve me well as a college journalist -- which required both objectivity and a full understanding of the issues. When I went out into the working world as a communications flack, my rhetorical flexibility gave me the freedom to work anywhere (within reason) and helped me to predict where the next attack was coming from.
Of course, I also bring this reflex home at the end of the day. And if you keep treating someone like an opponent, eventually they really do feel like one. I am difficult. But relationships are difficult. I am still learning how to be a good boyfriend. Like anyone else, I have to tame my deconstructive tendencies in favor of a kinder, gentler 'Pants. Most importantly, I must remember that a good partnership requires sympathy, understanding and unconditional support. And a clean bathroom.
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You know what works?
Date: 2008-08-12 03:36 pm (UTC)But just wet down the surface, spray that toxic stuff (I swear, it will be illegal in 5 years; it's the most toxic thing I've ever seen), wait five minutes and wipe it down. Incredible. It's the best.
Re: You know what works?
Date: 2008-08-12 08:27 pm (UTC)We currently have a full bottle of that "after shower" stuff that looks like water, but since I am almost always the first person to take a shower in the morning, I have no idea if it's ever being used.
Re: You know what works?
Date: 2008-08-12 11:40 pm (UTC)MOM