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Open Letter: To the helpful gentleman in Section 418
Dear Fat Prick,
I was attending the Washington Nationals baseball game with several of my friends the other day when I had the misfortune of making your acquaintance. During the National Anthem, my friend![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
instant_ethos (who lives in Baltimore) shouted "O!" at a particular juncture in the anthem, as is the custom at Orioles games. You turned around and officiously pronounced, "We don't do that here. It's disrespectful."
At this point, two questions surfaced in my mind:
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell do you think you are?
"We don't do that here?" Am I to understand that you speak for the Washington Nationals Baseball Club? Obviously you are identifying yourself with the Washington Nationals franchise by virtue of your officially licensed apparel, such as your 2XL Nationals sweatshirt and what appeared to be a free-giveaway hat, in which your oversized head was testing the very limits of the adjustable band's tensile strength.
Please, sir. You are not affiliated with the Nationals in any way, besides acting as a bloated fire hazard and incipient lawsuit for the other individuals in your seating row. You probably do not have the brain power required to operate a floor-buffing machine in the front office, much less restrain your incontinence for long enough to serve as an independent security task force.
Even if you were a regular attendee of Nationals home games -- which I doubt, since your obvious age and girth probably prevent you from leaving your ramshackle studio apartment except to participate in your favorite hobby of heckling area youths -- there have not been enough home games to establish what is or is not traditionally "done." The contest in question was the eighth home game in the history of the franchise, which means that you are basing your assertion on a mere seven previous instances -- two of which, I might add, I was present for as well, and in which I heard copious shouts of "O!", although maybe that was simply a bunch of people having some fun with your sister.
While we acknowledge the austere sacrifice you made, taking time out from stuffing your face with peanuts to acquaint us with your own personal ground rules, we were also somewhat confused by your statement. Who wasinstant_ethos -- and so many other fans, incidentally -- disrespecting?
Certainly you can not be referring to the ballclub. Anti-Peter Angelos sentiments notwithstanding, these players should be happy that anyone is in the park to hear the anthem at all. Did you see any of those crowds last year in Montreal? There were more people at my bris.
(If anything, the players are probably happy that something is being done to spruce up the old "Star Spangled Banner," since it suffers in comparison to "O, Canada," which is only the greatest national anthem in the history of trumpets. Hey, maybe they could play "O, Canada" at Nats home games as a new tradition, to remind the team of its roots. But I bet you wouldn't mind if people took a few liberties with that number, eh, you muck-brained jingoistic piece of dung.)
Maybe you thinkinstant_ethos was disrespecting our troops or our veterans or something. Whoa, maybe you are a war veteran. That would certainly explain the vacant, shellshocked look in your eyes. Well, let me tell you something, Private Pyle: American troops have fought under that flag and that anthem to preserve our precious freedoms, which includes the freedom to shout "O!" during the National Anthem. That's the beauty of America. instant_ethos is allowed to fart the first movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony if he wants to.
In fact, last night I went to another game, and during the anthem I sang, "That guy who condescended to us the other night, his mom sucks donkey balls." Hey, I say we make that a tradition. "That's what we do here."
If, by some chance, you actually are some kind of undercover officer for the Anthem Police, I apologize for doubting you, and would simply have appreciated a kinder tone and the prompt display of proper credentials. Otherwise, though, the next time you want to wave a flag around, I recommend you first remove it from your ass. Then you can feel free to bite me.
Yours sincerely,
enchanted_pants
I was attending the Washington Nationals baseball game with several of my friends the other day when I had the misfortune of making your acquaintance. During the National Anthem, my friend
instant_ethos (who lives in Baltimore) shouted "O!" at a particular juncture in the anthem, as is the custom at Orioles games. You turned around and officiously pronounced, "We don't do that here. It's disrespectful."At this point, two questions surfaced in my mind:
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell do you think you are?
"We don't do that here?" Am I to understand that you speak for the Washington Nationals Baseball Club? Obviously you are identifying yourself with the Washington Nationals franchise by virtue of your officially licensed apparel, such as your 2XL Nationals sweatshirt and what appeared to be a free-giveaway hat, in which your oversized head was testing the very limits of the adjustable band's tensile strength.
Please, sir. You are not affiliated with the Nationals in any way, besides acting as a bloated fire hazard and incipient lawsuit for the other individuals in your seating row. You probably do not have the brain power required to operate a floor-buffing machine in the front office, much less restrain your incontinence for long enough to serve as an independent security task force.
Even if you were a regular attendee of Nationals home games -- which I doubt, since your obvious age and girth probably prevent you from leaving your ramshackle studio apartment except to participate in your favorite hobby of heckling area youths -- there have not been enough home games to establish what is or is not traditionally "done." The contest in question was the eighth home game in the history of the franchise, which means that you are basing your assertion on a mere seven previous instances -- two of which, I might add, I was present for as well, and in which I heard copious shouts of "O!", although maybe that was simply a bunch of people having some fun with your sister.
While we acknowledge the austere sacrifice you made, taking time out from stuffing your face with peanuts to acquaint us with your own personal ground rules, we were also somewhat confused by your statement. Who was
instant_ethos -- and so many other fans, incidentally -- disrespecting?Certainly you can not be referring to the ballclub. Anti-Peter Angelos sentiments notwithstanding, these players should be happy that anyone is in the park to hear the anthem at all. Did you see any of those crowds last year in Montreal? There were more people at my bris.
(If anything, the players are probably happy that something is being done to spruce up the old "Star Spangled Banner," since it suffers in comparison to "O, Canada," which is only the greatest national anthem in the history of trumpets. Hey, maybe they could play "O, Canada" at Nats home games as a new tradition, to remind the team of its roots. But I bet you wouldn't mind if people took a few liberties with that number, eh, you muck-brained jingoistic piece of dung.)
Maybe you think
instant_ethos was disrespecting our troops or our veterans or something. Whoa, maybe you are a war veteran. That would certainly explain the vacant, shellshocked look in your eyes. Well, let me tell you something, Private Pyle: American troops have fought under that flag and that anthem to preserve our precious freedoms, which includes the freedom to shout "O!" during the National Anthem. That's the beauty of America. instant_ethos is allowed to fart the first movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony if he wants to.In fact, last night I went to another game, and during the anthem I sang, "That guy who condescended to us the other night, his mom sucks donkey balls." Hey, I say we make that a tradition. "That's what we do here."
If, by some chance, you actually are some kind of undercover officer for the Anthem Police, I apologize for doubting you, and would simply have appreciated a kinder tone and the prompt display of proper credentials. Otherwise, though, the next time you want to wave a flag around, I recommend you first remove it from your ass. Then you can feel free to bite me.
Yours sincerely,
enchanted_pants
Re: Nationals Fans
I appreciate your valiant rant defending my constitutional rights to be an ass. You see, I came down from my ivory stadium in Baltimore determined to piss off some Nationals "fans" and disparage that shithole of a stadium. I was hoping that screaming "O" during the national anthem (a tradition at Camden Yards to show your support for the "O"rioles) would elicit a response. Perhaps a jocular boo from a few surrounding fans. But Mr. Prick, gave us both much more material and we should show our appreciation. I mean, he's given us something to laugh about now.
And I know he heard me the rest of the game as I commented on the less generous dimensions of RFK. "Oooh, that would have been a homerun at Camden Yards." He bit his tongue as I razzed Jose Vidro for batting a full 100 points lower than Orioles second baseman Brian Roberts. And I could tell his blood boiled with every one of my French cheers for "Les Expos".
Being from Philly originally, I was donning my red Phillies hat that day in support of my team. Little did I realize, that with the similarity between the Nationals and Phillies hats -- both are bright red with a white curly letter on the face -- this defiant move would have little impact in riling up the opposition. So next time I will be sure to wear my Orioles hat. I'll even take it off during the National Anthem...out of respect.
Let's Go "O's!"
Cordialement,
Monsieur Ethos