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To All the Girls I've Loved Before
EDITOR'S NOTE: This was originally written in early November 2004 for the purposes of posting in this journal. So satisfied with it was I, that I submitted it to the New Yorker to be considered for their "Shouts and Murmurs" column, precluding me from publishing it anywhere else. It wasn't until February 2004 that they responded:
And so, I am now permitted to post it here.
To All The Girls I've Loved Before
In the year 2029, the Society of People Who Broke *Jimmy Handsome's Heart held a convention at the Downtown Marriott in New Washington D.C. (Previously known as Montreal, Quebec, Canada.) A transcript follows:
-----------------------------------------------------------
*indicates that name has been changed to protect the cruel.
-----------------------------------------------------------
*ELECTRA: As president, I'd like to call this meeting to order. Thank you, everyone, for making the trip today, some of you from as far away as Thailand. I see a lot of new faces in the room today, which is great. Our member rolls seem to be getting bigger every week. It is only with the collective support and energy of all our members that we are able to cope with the horrible mistake each of us have in common: breaking the heart of Jimmy Handsome.
*ROSALITA: Woe is me!
ELECTRA: Easy there, Rosalita. If you'll check your agenda you'll see that Plaintive Laments should be saved until the end of the meeting, after Bitter Self-Flagellation.
ROSALITA: Sorry.
ELECTRA: First, I'd like to welcome our newest members, Vanessa Goodbody, a sex researcher from the University of Missouri, and Sally Brassiere, the Hooker With a Heart of Gold.
VANESSA: Thanks everyone, for being so welcoming. I'm just now feeling the pangs of regret for dumping Jimmy in favor of taking up stamp collecting. Especially after all he did to help me discover the location of the now-famous "J-Spot." I'm sure Sally knows what I'm talking about.
SALLY: Jimmy who?
*VERONICA: Could we speed this up a bit? I've got another one of these later this afternoon.
*FLORA: Excuse me, but I'm not quite sure why I'm here. I never even knew that Jimmy liked me. Maybe if he had said something, I wouldn't have married my very fat husband.
*QUEEN ELIZABETH III: I never even met this guy.
PAULA ABDUL: Yeah, me either.
*FILOMENA: Paula, we've discussed this. If you want to keep appearing in the newsletter, you have to come to the meetings. And according to our records, Queen Elizabeth III, Jimmy sent you a very nice e-mail in response to a personal ad and you never even wrote him back.
VANESSA: E-mail? What was that, 25 years ago?
*JENNY: He used to send me the sweetest e-mails. But then I was distracted by some flashing lights or something and we just sort of lost touch.
*DR. STELLA VON CLAPP: Flora and Queen Elizabeth III do have a point. Jimmy does tend to exaggerate, turning mere hurt feelings in to full-blown heartbreak, exhibiting what we refer to as "romantica nervosa." I myself did nothing more than innocently toy with his feelings for four years before ultimately marrying someone with a really nice car.
VERONICA (aside, to Filomena): I hate her so much.
ELECTRA: Everyone, please. I know it can be frustrating and painful, rehashing our mistakes many years later. Sometimes I think that maybe my life turned out just fine, with my loving husband and our son Melvin, and our six Spanish stallions and my three Nobel Prizes. But then I hear our song, *"Baby Got Back," and I realize how much I screwed up.
VERONICA: I miss his amusing phone mail messages.
VANESSA: I miss how he nicknamed his penis *"Captain Titanium."
*BRENDA: I sometimes eat paint.
(Knock on door)
*CHASTITY: Excuse me, is this the meeting for people who had their hearts broken by Jimmy Handsome?
FILOMENA: Oh, hi there, Chastity. You're looking for the small utility closet, just down the hall.
CHASTITY: Thanks, Filomena.
FILOMENA: Before you go, I just want to say how sorry I am for putting that whole "I just want to be friends" thing in his head. I guess it's kind of my fault.
CHASTITY: It's okay, I ended up using it later on *George Frump. (exits)
ELECTRA: Getting back to business, we now have a report from our recruitment director. Ambrosia?
*AMBROSIA: Jimmy was recently snubbed by a young lady he met at a wedding. Apparently, he asked her to dance and she said she was there with her fiancée. It's hard to tell if actual heartbreak was incurred, but there was definite self-esteem damage. We will continue to monitor the situation. Does anyone else know of any developments?
DR. STELLA VON CLAPP: I read in People that he's dating one of the Federline triplets.
AMBROSIA: We'll definitely have to keep an eye on that, then.
ELECTRA: Excellent. Before we break into our workshop groups, has anyone heard from *Medusa and *Brutus? We don't seem to have a current address for them.
FLORA: I think they're living somewhere in New Jersey.
JENNY: I say screw them. At the last Northeast Regional Summit you could tell they didn't really want to be there.
ELECTRA: Fine, but the least they could do is buy one of our t-shirts.
SALLY: I was told there was going to be alcohol here.
VERONICA: Alcohol is how I got into this mess in the first place.
ELECTRA: Cocktail Hour is at 5:00 p.m. Now we will take a few minutes to reflect longingly on Jimmy's sexual prowess, followed by a two-hour denial workshop.
We are unable to accept your submission, despite its evident merit. Thank you for allowing us to consider your work, and we sincerely apologize for the delay in responding. Best regards, The Shouts and Murmurs Dept.
And so, I am now permitted to post it here.
To All The Girls I've Loved Before
In the year 2029, the Society of People Who Broke *Jimmy Handsome's Heart held a convention at the Downtown Marriott in New Washington D.C. (Previously known as Montreal, Quebec, Canada.) A transcript follows:
-----------------------------------------------------------
*indicates that name has been changed to protect the cruel.
-----------------------------------------------------------
*ELECTRA: As president, I'd like to call this meeting to order. Thank you, everyone, for making the trip today, some of you from as far away as Thailand. I see a lot of new faces in the room today, which is great. Our member rolls seem to be getting bigger every week. It is only with the collective support and energy of all our members that we are able to cope with the horrible mistake each of us have in common: breaking the heart of Jimmy Handsome.
*ROSALITA: Woe is me!
ELECTRA: Easy there, Rosalita. If you'll check your agenda you'll see that Plaintive Laments should be saved until the end of the meeting, after Bitter Self-Flagellation.
ROSALITA: Sorry.
ELECTRA: First, I'd like to welcome our newest members, Vanessa Goodbody, a sex researcher from the University of Missouri, and Sally Brassiere, the Hooker With a Heart of Gold.
VANESSA: Thanks everyone, for being so welcoming. I'm just now feeling the pangs of regret for dumping Jimmy in favor of taking up stamp collecting. Especially after all he did to help me discover the location of the now-famous "J-Spot." I'm sure Sally knows what I'm talking about.
SALLY: Jimmy who?
*VERONICA: Could we speed this up a bit? I've got another one of these later this afternoon.
*FLORA: Excuse me, but I'm not quite sure why I'm here. I never even knew that Jimmy liked me. Maybe if he had said something, I wouldn't have married my very fat husband.
*QUEEN ELIZABETH III: I never even met this guy.
PAULA ABDUL: Yeah, me either.
*FILOMENA: Paula, we've discussed this. If you want to keep appearing in the newsletter, you have to come to the meetings. And according to our records, Queen Elizabeth III, Jimmy sent you a very nice e-mail in response to a personal ad and you never even wrote him back.
VANESSA: E-mail? What was that, 25 years ago?
*JENNY: He used to send me the sweetest e-mails. But then I was distracted by some flashing lights or something and we just sort of lost touch.
*DR. STELLA VON CLAPP: Flora and Queen Elizabeth III do have a point. Jimmy does tend to exaggerate, turning mere hurt feelings in to full-blown heartbreak, exhibiting what we refer to as "romantica nervosa." I myself did nothing more than innocently toy with his feelings for four years before ultimately marrying someone with a really nice car.
VERONICA (aside, to Filomena): I hate her so much.
ELECTRA: Everyone, please. I know it can be frustrating and painful, rehashing our mistakes many years later. Sometimes I think that maybe my life turned out just fine, with my loving husband and our son Melvin, and our six Spanish stallions and my three Nobel Prizes. But then I hear our song, *"Baby Got Back," and I realize how much I screwed up.
VERONICA: I miss his amusing phone mail messages.
VANESSA: I miss how he nicknamed his penis *"Captain Titanium."
*BRENDA: I sometimes eat paint.
(Knock on door)
*CHASTITY: Excuse me, is this the meeting for people who had their hearts broken by Jimmy Handsome?
FILOMENA: Oh, hi there, Chastity. You're looking for the small utility closet, just down the hall.
CHASTITY: Thanks, Filomena.
FILOMENA: Before you go, I just want to say how sorry I am for putting that whole "I just want to be friends" thing in his head. I guess it's kind of my fault.
CHASTITY: It's okay, I ended up using it later on *George Frump. (exits)
ELECTRA: Getting back to business, we now have a report from our recruitment director. Ambrosia?
*AMBROSIA: Jimmy was recently snubbed by a young lady he met at a wedding. Apparently, he asked her to dance and she said she was there with her fiancée. It's hard to tell if actual heartbreak was incurred, but there was definite self-esteem damage. We will continue to monitor the situation. Does anyone else know of any developments?
DR. STELLA VON CLAPP: I read in People that he's dating one of the Federline triplets.
AMBROSIA: We'll definitely have to keep an eye on that, then.
ELECTRA: Excellent. Before we break into our workshop groups, has anyone heard from *Medusa and *Brutus? We don't seem to have a current address for them.
FLORA: I think they're living somewhere in New Jersey.
JENNY: I say screw them. At the last Northeast Regional Summit you could tell they didn't really want to be there.
ELECTRA: Fine, but the least they could do is buy one of our t-shirts.
SALLY: I was told there was going to be alcohol here.
VERONICA: Alcohol is how I got into this mess in the first place.
ELECTRA: Cocktail Hour is at 5:00 p.m. Now we will take a few minutes to reflect longingly on Jimmy's sexual prowess, followed by a two-hour denial workshop.
no subject
pen names
But why would you want "Dr. Stella Von Clapp" when you already have something as graceful and powerful as "Pooplord?"
no subject